A man from Cockshutt. - olliejohnson
This is the story of my journey to Australia, and the erratic wanderings that followed.

The beginning
Brussels, Belgium
First things first.
1.Brad Friedal really DOES look like Skeletor.
2.As much as I hate to say it, Robbie Savage seems like a nice guy.
Flew to Brussels from Manchester Airport, where Blackburn Rovers were making a desperate, obvious, albeit ultimately fruitless attempt to keep me in the country by holding up the queue through security. Savage was the most blatant, waiting for ages to sign autographs for anyone passing within pen-range.
I arrived in Brussels without any hassle, and the free shuttle bus to the hotel arrived soon after. Nice room, free breakfast, everything so far pretty sweet.
written by  olliejohnson on August 4, 2006 from Brussels, Belgium
from the travel blog: A man from Cockshutt.

Crazy Russians.
Moscow, Russia
Free breakfast?! Since when does did meat and cheese go with croissants? (how is that spelt?)
Sent the bleeper off again going through security.
"Francais?"
"English."
"Come with me please Sir."
Oh shit. This hasn't happened before. I begin to fear that the mythical aiport security anal probe is to be unleashed on my sensitive derrier. Luckily this time he just wants to rub me and touch me with his metal detector wand. Pervert. He looks suspiciously at my hoodie.
"What do you call this?"
"errr....a hoodie?"
Something in my pronunciation of hoodie somehow makes him think that to pronounce it properly, you have to really phlem it up at the start. "Ccccchuuuuudie. Hmm. Thankyou, you can go."
On the plane i'm sat next to a Russian woman and her little daughter. (Anya and Nastier - at least that what it sounded like) The drinks trolly comes by, and Anya asks me in broken English to ask for a little bottle of red wine and a tomato juice (all drink is free). Although it's only 11 in the morning, I get a Stella. Mainly because it's free. I decide it could be a good idea to read my Rough Guide on Moscow. Skimming through, I read about how in Moscow, and in Russia in general, there seems to be quite high levels of alcoholism. Apparently 1 in 4 or something (I could just be making that figure up, but it was something like that). And in Moscow in 2004, an alcohol rehab centre for CHILDREN opened. Hard bastards.
The drink trolly comes by again a little while later. Anya pokes me in the side.
"2 Vino"
So I ask the stewardess for 2 bottles this time. She looks a little perplexed then hands them over. Anya fills her glass with the first one and downs it.
"Russian girl" she says smiling.
Anya then decides it's time for some entertainment. She says something to her daughter and asks for my attention. The girl then bursts into song.
"I love my mummy, I love my mummy; she mikes my hippy, she mikes my hippy."
Long pause. The little girl looks up at me expectantly.
"Errr. Very good."
The little girl beams and launches into another song.
"I hiv I Kit, I hiv I Kit. My kit is fit, My kit is fit"
This was about a cat that was fat by the way.
Not wishing to give her any inclination to fill out the family tree for me, I just smile and pick up my book.
I'd taken advantage of the hostel's offer of transport from the airport, and eventually found him with 'TSH'(trans siberian hostel) on a little sign. His first words to me,
"Oliver Johnson?"
were to be his only, despite the hour and a half journey ahead. That is, apart from when I tried to put my seatbelt on in his Lada.
"Net! NET!"
I quickly undid it. He must have taken my gesture to attempt to protect my life as a sign that i didn't trust his driving. Either that or it's bad luck to or something. But having seen the way that they drive over here, getting in a car is not something i'm going to risk again in a hurry.
Hostel is small, obviously just starting out, but really cool. The staff are really helpful and the other people are friendly. And it's not too far to walk to Red square. It's getting pretty late here now, so i'm just going to go for a look around the area and grab something to eat. Off to see a pickled Lenin first thing tomorrow! Oh, and I found the Russian for 'thankyou' really funny: Spasibo! That's all for now. Spasibo.
written by  olliejohnson on August 5, 2006 from Moscow, Russia
from the travel blog: A man from Cockshutt.

Red square and beyond
Moscow, Russia
I've managed to land on my feet with this hostel. The French guy that runs it, Francois, is awesome. I only booked for the first night and they were full after that, but he sorted it out so that I got a mattress on the floor for the next 2 nights. We get 'authentic' Russian breakfasts here - which have included sour pastry dough with some weird cheese inside plus sour cream; a bread roll; and (bizzarely) mini frankfurters and mustard. Yogurt and proper french coffee every day too. There is a hostel laptop that you can use as and when, too. So this is why i've been able to do so much on my blog. Don't reckon it's going to be quite so easy from here on in.
The first day here, I went with a Swiss couple to see Lenin. The queue took 2 hours for a 30 second walk around the big man, but it was probably worth it. He doesn't look quite as waxy and unreal as the guide book suggested, and seems to have worn rather well for an 80 year old corpse.
I then went on a snap-happy tour of Red square
which has St Basil's Cathedral at one end. This was commisioned by Ivan the Terrible to celebrate a victory in a war (not too sure which one, but i guess it was important.) Ivan was a bit of a bastard by all accounts. One of his favourite forms of amusement was torturing and killing dogs and birds. He liked to throw dogs off the Kremlin wall. (I guess after a bit of trial and error he worked out that this wasn't going to work so well on the birds.) So if you were to walk past the Kremlin in those days whilst admiring St Basils, you may have had a startled labrador land on you.
{{ollie005.jpg|left}}Next day I decided it was time to pick up my train ticket, and remarkably found the place and picked it up without any hassle. Walked back through the city past Moscow University to the river, where the Church of Christ the Saviour is. This was originally built in the mid 19th Century, but Stalin decided that it was in this exact location that he wanted to build The Palace of the Soviet. This building was intended to be the major centrepiece of Communist Russia - designed to be just taller than the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building put together. However, just as they were putting the foundations in, the Nazi's came knocking on the door, so the metal was instead used to build anti-tank devices. The idea was never seriously pursued after the war, but it wasn't until 1998 that the Russian government decided to rebuild the Church exactly as it was.
At the same time, the Mayor decided to build the monument to Peter the Great - which is massive, and a love or hate thing amongst the population. I think it looks pretty sweet though.
{{ollie006.jpg|center}}Managed a visit to Statue park, which I was hoping would be just like that level in GoldenEye where you have to meet up with Robbie Coltrane and then get captured at the end. Disappointingly, it wasn't like that at all. However, spotting on the way home a chap dressed up in stupid clothes and clearly hating his job cheered me up no end.
Today was the first day that I managed to get properly lost. I'd decided to walk to a big park in the Northern suburbs cos it was a nice day. Only thing was, I hadn't realised that my map changed scale as it went out until it was too late. It also didn't help that they've taken down some major landmarks since the map i've got was made. All in all, it took 3 hours to get there, so after a little while wandering around, I decided it was best to take the metro home.
My train for Beijing leaves in 4 hours. I'm still at the hostel at moment, feeling a little tired and sorry for myself. There's a metro nearby that'll take me to the station i need. I just need to pop out and get supplies for the 6 day journey. The cooking appliances on board consist of boiling water, so it's going to be a whole lot of rehydrated pasta, potato and soup. I just hope I don't get a load of weirdos in my cabin. Oh yeah - I've decided that the occasion calls for a beard. It's looking awesome already.
Obviously I'm going to be out of touch for a while - it won't be until i've got a hostel in Beijing that I'll be able to start the search for an internet cafe.
One more thing: I've managed to meet Russian nobility. One of the guys staying in my hostel is French, but his family originally came from St Petersburg, fleeing during the Russian Revolution (the nobles weren't too popular at that point). Apparently there are quite a few decendants from this around France.
Anyway, that's it from me for the time being. See you in China.
written by  olliejohnson on August 8, 2006 from Moscow, Russia
from the travel blog: A man from Cockshutt.

Trans-Mongolian Day 1
Perm', Russia
Took the metro to the train station, which, confusingly, was one of 2 stations that are right next to each other. After a quick game of dumb-Englishman charades with a woman in the ticket booth, gathered that i'd got the right station and waited on the platform.
The side of the train
When the train did finally pull up, with the Chinese carriage attendants popping their heads out of the windows, I began thinking that this was going to be really sweet. I gave my ticket to the attendant, who fingered through it suspiciously before barking "NATIONAlITY?" at me.
"errr...British"
He greeted this with a furrowed brow and glanced me up and down. "BAHWAIN?"
"No, no. Not Bahrain. U-ni-ted King-dom."
This only confused him further, but as a long queue was forming behind me, he folded my ticket in half, then half again, and stuck it in his leather wallet. I tried to object that i wanted to keep hold of my ticket, but he just chased me up the stairs into the train.
My bunk on the train
My cabin had 4 beds - 2 up top, 2 that were the seats during the day. Clearly, I wanted one of the upper ones. Luckily I got one. Already in my cabin when I arrived was what turned out to be my only travelling companion for the first 4 days - Marie, a Swedish woman of late 30's, early 40's. Into motorbikes and that, she was meeting up with some friends in Mongolia who were biking back to Sweden. I soon formed the opinion that she was almost definately a lesbian.
We couldn't work out how to turn the fan off for the first night, so we both pretty much froze (Siberia was actually still pretty cold).
The toilets/bathrooms were also a major issue. It consisted of a normal lavatory - loo and sink, but with a hole in the floor. This was the 'shower'. Of sorts. The loo just had a lever underneath which would dip the bottom part, so that whatever had been in there was just dropped onto the track. Lovely stuff. Understandably they weren't very clean, so this was probably the worst thing about the trip for me - mainly due to the fact that a whole Dutch tour group that was in our carriage seemed to have diarrhea, so the thing always stank. Bloody Dutch.
written by  olliejohnson on August 9, 2006 from Perm', Russia

Trans-Mongolian Day 2
Omsk, Russia
Getting food at a Station
Spent the day reading, sleeping, listening to my ipod and getting bored. At the stops, which are about every 4-5 hours, you can get off to stretch your legs for about 20 mins. At the first few, everyone was a bit panicky and didn't leave the train's side. It was really funny - as soon as a train whistle or any loud noise was heard, everyone suddenly ran to the carriage doors, before realising that it wasn't actually our train. A bit like musical chairs for grown-ups. This, sadly was a source of entertainment for me. That's how bored I was.
written by  olliejohnson on August 10, 2006 from Omsk, Russia

Trans-Mongolian Day 3
Novosibirsk, Russia
Everything a growing boy needs
Today was the day I began drawing little plans of the train in my diary. So, yes, I was a bit bored still. Decided to sleep most of the day to combat it.
Also, discovered that there are forks in the dining car to steal!! Stupidly, I'd bought 6 days worth of rehydratable food, but no fork on board - so i'd been borrowing Maria's till then.
In other news, we passed through sleet at one point.
Siberia looks the same. All of it looks exactly the same.
written by  olliejohnson on August 11, 2006 from Novosibirsk, Russia

Irkutsk, Russia
Got 2 new room-mates. An Italian couple. Neither say too much. She just takes a shit load of photos of everything. Including, at one point, 2 coffee mugs on the table. I was slightly insulted that she moved my pot noodle out of the background for the shot.
Russian customs in the evening, which took ages - about 3 hours. As they came on board, everyone was in the hallway, so we got a stern "SIT!" from the Russian guards. It was the Mongolians' turn next, and that took half the time.
written by  olliejohnson on August 12, 2006 from Irkutsk, Russia

Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia
Upper Mongolia
Mongolia is definately more interesting than Russia. Massive plains as far as you can see, and really friendly people at the stations. Everyone in my carriage got out at Ulaanbaatar, but then I got 3 new room-mates. 2 English guys - P.E. teachers from the same school in London (i'd always had suspicions about P.E. teachers) who'd had to bribe their way onto the train, and a crazy Chinese guy, who was going to be the prime source of entertainment for the rest of the journey.
This chap was clearly a smuggler. Bag after bag was brought on and stuffed away in various compartments. He tried to hide some contraband underneath my backpack, which was swiftly thrown back in his direction (we'd heard that the customs officials on the Chinese border were pretty unforgiving.) He laughed. "You're a sneaky little bastard aren't you?" He nodded appreciatively.
The Gobi Desert
Passed through the Gobi Desert in the afternoon. Stupidly, I'd left the window open as we all had a nap, and we woke up coughing as our cabin was now full of dust and none of us could breath. I did the only decent thing, and blamed the guy that couldn't speak English.
Mongolian customs and Chinese customs followed late at night, through which our sneaky little companion passed without a hitch.
One day away from getting off the train!
written by  olliejohnson on August 13, 2006 from Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

Day 6 and Beijing!
Beijing, China
Got vouchers for free breakfast and lunch in the dining car - real food! As we were approaching Beijing, the train pulled into a station that gave a really good view of the Great Wall.
Looking for food
Was amazing to finally get off the train after so long on it. Found a cash point, got my Yuan out (currency - I'm not hot for cash points) and went on the metro to a hostel that i hoped would have room. Luckily it did, is air conditioned, and i'm here for 4 nights. It's quite near a famous eating / drinking area, so i went there in the evening. Unfortunately, I hadn't met anyone at the hostel to go with, so i had a bit of a 'Lost in Translation' evening, sitting outside a Karaoke bar eating my beef with oyster sauce and anjoying an ice cold beer. The conversion here is 15 Yuan to the pound, which meant that my meal and 2 beers came to 5 pounds. Sweet! It was power ballad stuff on the mic, which was hilarious.
written by  olliejohnson on August 14, 2006 from Beijing, China

Getting sunburnt in the Forbidden City and climbing the Great Wall
Beijing, China
Well, it was only a matter of time wasn't it? On my first morning in Beijing I foolishly decided against using my top of the range suntan lotion (only one application lasts all day...), and set out for Tianamen Square in shorts and t-shirt. The Chinese seem to be early risers; as despite the fact that I was there by about 8:30, the place was already heaving. And baking hot, with not a cloud in the sky. It seemed at least half the people were wandering around with parasols, and those that weren't were taking shelter underneath anything that gave off the remotest bit of shade - including, pointlessly, lamposts.
The Square itself is massive, but it wasn't quite as imposing as I expected it to be. Perhaps this is because it's actually surrounded by a fairly busy 6 lane road, and the enduring image (certainly for me) is of it as one big block with a few chaps and some tanks in it. Luckily for me, it was tank free, but the road I think makes it seem more like any other Square. Anyway in the middle is the Chinese version of Lenin's mausoleum, but with Mao as the starring centrepiece. The queue for this was massive, and seeing as Mao is on every single piece of paper currency in this country, I didn't need to see him again.
{{ojchina027.jpg|left}}At one end of Tianamen is the Gate to the Forbidden City, with the iconic portrait of Mao in the middle. Unfortunately, some of the buildings in the City itself were surrounded by scaffolding (I guess to make sure everything is perfect for the Olympics), but it was still pretty sweet. I rented out an audio guide, which was absolutely hilarious. It automatically spoke about different areas as you went around (that's not the funny part), but the woman's accent was priceless. On top of this, she'd pause in the middle of sentences and raise and lower her pitch in all the wrong places. (I'll point out now of course that her English is a million times better than my Chinese. But anyway...) The best example:
"In front OF...you, you wiw SEE the ah-Hole of ah-Supweme ah-Harmony." [Hall of Supreme Harmony]
I glance up. There it is. Under scaffolding, but it's there. I move on.
"PWEASE C*NT...."
I pause mid step. Did she just say what i think she said?
"....the ah-number of ST-WAAANGE beasts on the woof. It has more beasts than...any other ah-HOLE, indicating it's importance..."
Anyway, after spending the day wandering around here and the gardens, I had managed a good shade of red. On the way home at dusk, I managed to catch a load of pensioners ballroom dancing to some really loud music in the middle of the street - just outside the Workers' Stadium, and some more a bit further on doing Tie-Chi. Great entertainment.
{{ojchina036.jpg|right}}Ok, so other things I've managed to do in Beijing since I've been here:
- Went around the Hutongs (really small old alleyways around the centre, where they sell weird antiques and strange food)
- Saw the Temple of Heaven in a park a couple of miles South of Beijing (hopefully i'll be able to put the photos from all this on here soon)
- Visited a really famous night market, where food from around China is cooked and sold from small stalls (including everything imaginable on kebab sticks - from insects to baby sharks to Starfish and Seahorses.)
- Had an authentic Beijing Duck (which is carved at the table with the meat presented on little plates. The grand finale is the poor chap's roasted head, split in half, which is stuck on a plate of it's own. I managed to hide this behind some other dishes so I didn't have to see him eyeballing me.)
- Failed in my attempt to get a train ticket to Xian, so booked a flight to Chengdu instead for tomorrow morning. (This is where the Pandas are, and mountains and giant buddhas)
{{ojchina041.jpg|center}}And today - I hiked along the Great Wall of China!! Was amazing even being on it, but the scenery was just as good - rolling mountains as far as you could see. We got dropped off at one point and picked up at another 5 hours later. The walk was actually a lot tougher than I expected - so many stairs! and we all sweated bucketloads in the heat. The worst bit was that after about 1/2 hour of hiking we were accosted and joined by an old Chinese woman, who took a liking to me straight away.
"You are vewy young, vewy young. Beautifuw."
"Err...thanks," and i try to walk a bit faster to get away from her. She keeps pace no problem though. I slow down, she slows down. After 2 hours she asks me if I want to buy a t-shirt.
"Not really, thanks"
"Ok, so you buy later"
"erm. No. No, I don't want a t-shirt "
"maybe later?"
"no thankyou. no t-shirt"
"maybe later," she says and stuffs it back in her bag.
1 hour later she tells me she is now going home and that I should buy her t-shirt.
"But I don't want your t-shirt. I never asked you to come with us"
"Only 50 Yuan"
"No, no thankyou. I don't want a t-shirt." I start walking away, and she bursts into hysterical tears, clawing at my t-shirt.
"Ok, ok. Look I don't want your t-shirt, but i'll give you some money for walking with us."
"you buy t-shirt?!"
"No. But here, have 10 and go home."
She looks stunned. Then very very angry.
"Only 10!! More!! Give more!!"
"No! That's all I can afford right now"
"You small man!! Small man!!"
And with that she sprints off. Not home, but off after the rest of the group who had made some ground on us since our discussion began. For the rest of the journey she ignores me, apart from the occasional glance around combined with "Small man! Smaaaallll man!"
{{ojchina044.jpg|right}}At the end of the walk, we had the opportunity to take a zip-slide across a river down to the youth hostel where we were being collected, which I went down. It was pretty cool.
Right, had best go. Written far too much as usual. Apologies for that. Ollie
written by  olliejohnson on August 18, 2006 from Beijing, China

Pandas and hotpot
Chengdu, China
Having already endured some hardship on a 6 day train journey, it was nice to have the comfort of the aeroplane again for this next trip, despite the 4:30am start it required. Had to barter with the taxi driver to get the proper fare to the airport, and he even asked for another 20 as when we arrived (in sign language, as neither of us spoke the other's language.)
"No mate. We agreed before"
He smiled and shrugged he shoulders as if to indicate a "no harm in asking".
Despite Chengdu not being that far from Beijing on a map of China, it was still a 2 1/2 hour flight. Yep, China is massive. The hostel I've stayed at here (Mix backpackers) has been awesome. Much more lively than the one in Beijing, and dead cheap too. You can get a large bottle of beer and a really good meal for just under a pound. Also took advantage of their extensive and impressive pirate DVD collection on a day off from doing/seeing stuff. In truth, I've done pretty much sweet FA in the time I've been here, just relaxed. I did take a quick trip downtown to see their massive Mao statue - that little guy gets everywhere!
And, of course, I went to see the pandas at the research centre. The Chinese absolutely love their pandas. They're so proud that they're the one country that has them naturally, and think everyone thinks that they're amazing for trying to save them. Well, not quite China. We all think it's your fault for killing the poor bastards in the first place (putting aside the creature's basic design faults.) So, you know, just think about that before you start errr, getting all about loving yourselves for it. And stuff. Anyway, They've got something like 70 or 80 pandas there, and they're trying to breed more. They've even got a panda sperm bank, and unnecessarily showed a film about how they got it. It seems Rebecca Loos really will do anything for money.
{{ojchina047.jpg|right}}The one thing we were told at the hostel about the research centre, was that the pandas really didn't do much, but there was one cheeky chap that spends his whole time on show just rubbing his ass against things. Kind of like a panda pole dancer. With this in mind, we set out. The first panda we came to walked about a bit and then just sat in a Tyre and looked at us. He didn't really seem to fit the hippy-ish mantra on the sign by his enclosure: "love me, don't bother me." He looked more likely to say something like: "I've just spent the night being sexually molested by Chinese scientists. I'll be honest, I'm not in the best of moods. I just want to sit in my Tyre. And I want you to f**k off."
Having gleaned this information from his eyes, we moved on. And there he was, already in the midst of his ass-rubbing routine, and with an excitable crowd already gathered. We were there for about 5 minutes, and the whole time he rubbed his ass. I've even got video footage (I know that Murph (T) likes a bit of sexual panda). He began on a tree stump, which had the crowd a little concerned that it may disappear where the sun doesn't shine, before moving onto one of the legs of his climbing/lounging frame. A star is born.
{{ojchina050.jpg|left}}There were also newborn panda twins in an incubator, who were only a few weeks old. Though, as me and Dave (a scouser from my hostel) discussed, they could just be painted rats, displayed to satisfy stupid tourists.
Then, in the evening, came the hotpot. It's apparently a Sichuan speciality (Sichuan being the province that Chengdu is in). I went out for this with an American guy, a Danish girl, and Dave the Scouser. Dave is just about to start a year in China as part of his degree (Oriental Studies at Edinburgh), and so has already done 2 years of Chinese. This made him the orderer. We eventually picked a restaurant, and took a seat. Built into the centre of the table was a massive burner, which would keep the large hotpot wok-thing hot throughout the meal. The way it all worked was that you ordered a bunch of ingredients, a spicy stock was brought out in the wok, accompanied by a few veg, and you then added the ingredients to the hotpot as you wanted them. When they're cooked, you fish something out with your chopsticks, dip it in some sauce, and eat it.
When the menu arrived in Chinese, naturally Dave was entrusted to sort it all out. Our only input was "just normal meat stuff. Maybe beef. Oh and some mushrooms would be good. And no weird things like heads or feet." Had we been able to understand Dave's conversation with our waitress, where he said "what would you recommend," and then went with that without understanding what it actually was, we wouldn't have been quite so surprised when the ingrediants worked their way out. Mushrooms, good; cabbage, ok; spring onions, fine; weird meaty clumps, should be alright; then something greeny brown, smooth one side and spiky on the other.
"WTF is that Dave?"
Dave puffs his cheeks, exhales and shakes his head, before composing himself.
"Looks like stomach lining or something doesn't it?"
"I tell you what it doesn't look like. It doesn't look like beef."
"It could be from a cow. And I think those clumps of meat are beef anyway."
"Don't you know what you ordered?"
"Some of it. I'm still not great understanding the characters. We did more ancient characters at uni. This is more modern stuff."
And then the piece de resistance. Wobbling in on a bed of lettuce, sliced into 4 quarters, a pink, slimy brain.
"Is that what I think it is??!"
"Umm....I'll just check the menu again....Of course, I should have recognised the character for brain. But it says it's brain flower. Not sure what animal that'll be from then. But you've got to try it haven't you."
"Nope."
And I was good to my word. I occasionally bobbed for some of the strange meat, or vegetables, but it was left to Dave and the Dane to eat the brain, and Dave alone to try the weird carpet thing. Both, apparently, were not that great.
The next morning, I set off for Leshan and the Giant Buddha.
written by  olliejohnson on August 19, 2006 from Chengdu, China

The Giant Buddha
Leshan, China
I was able to leave my actual backpack in Chengdu as I explored the surrounding areas over the next couple of days. I just took everything I needed in my smaller daypack. First stop was Leshan, a small city just 2 hours south of Chengdu by bus. I walked from the bus to the port, from where a boat would, I hoped, take me to the Giant Buddha, carved into the cliff-face across the river. Unfortunately, all we got was a stop right in front of the Buddha for about 5 minutes. This turned out to be enough time for the boat owners to rip some more tourists off by charging them to take photos from a raised platfrom at one end of the boat. It was free just to take your own right next to this, but amazingly, most were happy to pay the extra.
The Giant Buddha from across the river
The stop did allow plenty of photo time though, and the view was great, so that was enough for me. As we approached the port on the way back, a crazy old Chinese guy with a cowboy hat came up to me and shouted "En-gerrand!"
"Yep"
"Photo?"
He wanted have his photo taken with me. Flattered, I struck a suitable pose, whilst he jumped excitedly next to me.
I then walked back to the bus station for the half hour bus to Mount Emei (EmeiShan in Chinese), and my accomodation for the night.
written by  olliejohnson on August 21, 2006 from Leshan, China

Mount Emei
Baoguosi, China
The little village at the base of the mountain is called Baoguo, but that doesn't seem to appear on the map here and this Baoguosi does, so Baoguosi it is. I spent the night before the climb at the Teddy Bear Hotel. This was another really good place, with clean rooms and good cheap food. Plus sound advice from Andy, the hostel owner about the best plan of attack for the mountain the next day. Of course, I knew better, so I listened, then planned my own route.
{{ojchina056.jpg|left}}The mountain is one of 4 Buddhist mountains in China. That is, they are considered holy, and have temples built on them. Emei is the biggest though, and has a staircase all the way from the bottom to the top. It climbs 2,500 metres in the process. It is also famous for containing wild monkeys. These monkeys are something of an icon for the park (in which the mountain is contained) and were pretty much the main attraction for me. I'd heard many tales about them. Described variously as "about the size of pit-bulls" and "vicious little bastards", they are reputedly able to steal the bag off your back, let alone any food you may be carrying in bags in your hands. You are told to be ultra-careful against these little thieves, and the monkey protocol involves opening your hands palms down to show your lack of food. I had not heard, until I stayed at the hostel, that your walking stick could be used as a weapon/form of defence.
{{ojchina061.jpg|right}}Written on the walls of the hostel were words of advice from previous travellers. A few stuck in my mind, such as:
- "there are supposed to be some lovely views. I didn't see any because I was counting steps (I'm autistic). There are 66,321."
- "a good tip for the monkeys: carry a rock with you and pretend to throw it at them. It should send them scurrying for cover. Of course, don't actually throw the rock...."
- and my favourite, written by brits proudly naming their homeland under their signatures, was this: "don't hit the monkeys too hard with your walking sticks. We did, and the poor chap died right in front of us..."
The more I thought about it, the worse it got. Especially the "we" part, which I hadn't even noticed originally. Surely it only takes one person to shoo away a monkey, especially if you're beating it with a stick. But two of you? That sounded more like a gangland killing. And how hard would you have to hit one to kill it??! I now had images of two men wielding their walking sticks like baseball bats, pounding an already wounded and immobile monkey to death on the floor, before kicking it off the path into the undergrowth. Needless to say, my expected encounter with the monkeys had already caught my imagination. And I knew where I'd find them. Andy had helpfully marked the 'joking monkey sections' on the map for me. I just hoped that they wouldn't nick my camera if I got it out to photo them. However, I now had a carte-blanche to beat them with my walking stick. What an opportunity! Just as long as I didn't beat them to death of course. But apparently even then it's ok. Such is the spirit that built an Empire!
{{ojchina059.jpg|left}}I got the first bus the next morning to a section of the mountain that would allow me to get to a temple near to the top by the evening. Of course, Andy didn't recommend this, but what the hell did he know? Due to the nature of the first section of the mountain (going up and down in equal measures) it would still require a climb of well over 2,000 metres. Which sounded like a hell of a lot to me. However, being dropped off with a massive Chinese tour-group spurred me on to a lightning start. But the temple that we were dropped off at would be the last landmark I would recognise. Trusting in the nature of having to go up to reach the top of something, I pressed on regardless. The occasional piece of (hopefully) monkey-shit on the ground got me tense and ready for confrontation. But after 4 hours I'd found nothing.
It was at this point I came across a Chinese student. Desperate to know if I was on the right track, I foolishly asked him where we were on the map. I had apparently now made a binding contract to spend (at least) the rest of my day with him. After telling me I'd already gone 15 km, I thanked him and left, only to discover that he was already right by my side. Though it was nice to have some company for the climb and a translator, the constant stopping to have people take photos of us together had me slightly un-nerved. I conveyed to my new best friend my desire to see the monkeys. Did he have any idea what had happened to them? All he could say was that the monkeys were very bad, and I was lucky to have avoided them. He told me they would try and open my backpack. I proudly tapped the heavy-duty padlock that Mrs J had insisted I take. This impressed him.
{{ojchina063.jpg|left}}Near the top we came to a sign telling us that this was a monkey area and to be very careful. Needless to say, I was ready for them. There was also a temple. I asked my friend what the sign on the temple said. He said he couldn't translate it. Jokingly, I said,"it's the monkeys temple?"
This was met with a deadpan face.
"No, temple for people. Monkeys in trees, people in temple."
"Right, right"
Long pause.
"So, no monkey buddhists then?"
"No. Monkeys in trees."
"Oh, ok."
{{ojchina064.jpg|right}}And then we stumbled across them. What an anticlimax. They were just sitting there eating some fruit or something, with a small crowd of people trying to take photos without risking their cameras. Occasionally, one guy would go to the front with some dried flower, and show it to the monkeys. This, they did not like. Not one bit. They hissed, bared their teeth and backed off. I really, really wanted to get my hands on one of those things, but I had to settle for a few photos and no monkey fighting.
{{ojchina066.jpg|left}}We were that close to the top by this point, that I thought we'd press on and do it all in a day, working our way down the next day. It's probably also worth mentioning the fog. This was so thick, that by the time we did actually reach the top, we couldn't even see the 20 metre high golden statue when we were standing right in front of it. There was just a golden haze. And the fog also meant no panoramic views. I did, however, manage to make a few people's days. By the statue there was a group of about 6 Chinese students - one lad and 5 girls. They wanted a group photo with me. I obliged, and then found out that each wanted 2 solo pictures with me too. So I stood there for about 5 minutes with this fixed grin on my face, while the students each took their turns pulling various poses around me, as though I was some kind of landmark. The usual 'V' peace signs; arms spread wide open; arms up to the sky etc etc. On the way back down, there were no free beds at the nearest temples, so I caught a bus back to the hostel from a nearby stop. The weather was even worse the next day, so I decided to head back to Chengdu.
written by  olliejohnson on August 21, 2006 from Baoguosi, China

Back in Chengdu
Chengdu, China
A Red Panda - asleep
Spent the next night in Chengdu to catch a flight to Guilin the next morning, having given up trying to go through China overland. Cheap flights plus 6 days on a train at the start of the trip had killed that idea. Anyway, here is a picture of a Red Panda, which I think looks more like a racoon. See what you make of it.
written by  olliejohnson on August 23, 2006 from Chengdu, China

The Big Question
Guilin, China
It turned out that the weather wasn't great in Guilin either. Still very humid and hot, but with frequent rainstorms. And there was a powercut at my hostel that would last until 9:30 that evening.
Guilin itself is actually a pretty nice-looking city - with 2 rivers and amazing limestone peaks (large sharp hills jutting up from nowhere) surrouding the city. As I began my search for flights agents to get my flight to Bangkok, I was soon joined by another Chinese student that wanted to practice her English. She translated for me at the agencies, and took me on a guided tour of Guilin's sights. This included a trip around a famous lake, which has bridges across it that are small replicas of famous bridges around the world; such as the Golden Gate bridge, the one that goes across the Grand Canal in Venice, and, bizzarely, the Arc De Triumph.
It was as we wondered around this lake, past one of the numerous street vendors selling live produce in nets or out of bowls of water, that I broached a subject that had been on my mind for some while.
"You see that bag of frogs? Is that for someone to eat?"
She smiled and looked a little embarrassed
"Err...Yes."
"Uh-huh. And what about snails? Do you eat them?"
She nodded, looking a little embarrassed again. But I was on roll. Screw the consequences, I wanted answers. Best get straight to the point.
"Right. What about dogs? Do people eat them?"
Another embarrassed laugh. Followed by a nod! Finally, an admission! Although she was at pains to point out that she had never eaten it, and then pointed out that with our different cultures some things may seem strange to each other, but we should try to understand that the difference is what makes us interesting. All true, but we don't eat man's best friend, and you do.
"And what about scorpions? In Beijing I saw them on sticks. It looked like it's ok to eat anything as long as it's on a stick."
"Scol-pon?"
"You know...", and I began an attempt to create an international sign for Scorpion. This involved using one hand to recreate the body and legs (wiggling fingers to indicate this), and the other to show the tail. I felt it was important to focus on the tail and its ability to sting. I even showed how my hand scorpion might use its tail to attack it's prey.
"....so its tail goes like that, and it kills things with it."
"Maybe if I see it I will know it."
Well I just bloody showed you it! And then it hit me. The pincers. That's why she didn't get it.
"Of course - it's got pincers too." Hands now morphing into pincers. "Pincers...see?"
"Ummm..."
On my return to the hostel, I met an English guy who had actually tried some dog himself in a specialist restaurant in Beijing. He said it tasted like a very tender beef. He'd also tried scorpion, which was apparently just like crunchy fried chicken.
I was just spending the one night in Guilin and was off to Yangshou the next day, where I'd planned to spend the best part of a week chilling out before flying to Bangkok.
written by  olliejohnson on August 24, 2006 from Guilin, China

Going Neon on bamboo rafts
Yangshuo, China
Apparently, they do things differently in the South. Bus transport up to this point had been nerve-wracking enough, but for the journey to Yangshou another element was added. As there were quite a few spaces on our bus, our driver decided to try and line his pockets some, so drove around Guilin for half an hour at walking pace, with his friend hanging out of the open door shouting for any extra business for a lift to Yangshuo. A quick argument down his Mobile later, we suddenly stopped in the middle of a main road and were shouted at. Apparently we had to get off. Noticing my reluctance to move, his friend grabbed my backpack and ran out of the door with it. He now had my attention. I ran after him, and took the hint when he threw it on a different bus about 20 metres down the road. Luckily this bus did actually take us to Yangshuo (after a few stops on route to pick up extra people).
I soon found a decent hostel in Yangshuo which was in the middle of West Street, which is the main street in the town. The town itself is not that big at all, and it is very westernised, but it was perfect for me. This was definately somewhere I could stay and relax for a while. The bars were pretty busy, some had upstairs lounges where you could watch movies, and aside from all that, the town itself is in a beautiful location. There were lots of day tours to do various activities, or you could just hire a bike and explore on your own.
The main attraction in and around Yangshuo are the massive limestone peaks that dominate this part of the province. The Li River also runs through the town, and old people punt along on bamboo rafts. When I went down to have a look at the river, the road alongside it had been closed off with a heavy police presence. I stuck around to see what was going on, and then a very important-looking man in a suit walked past, clapping the crowd like a footballer coming off in the second half after a great game. Needless to say, I liked this guy's style. I later found out that he was the Vietnamese President.
After having to fish for the dog-eating admission in Guilin, I found that here in Yangshuo they are far more proud about it. I asked some locals about what type of dogs they ate. Apparently, it's not a normal one like Labrador or Poodle, but in fact a type bred especially for it's meat. I'm not sure whether that breed has a name, or whether it's just a 'meat' dog. Whatever it is, it's on the menus in restaurants and everything. In one it had 'Stir Fried dog. (Honest)'. I'm not sure whether this was as in, "Yep, it's dog. But at least we're being honest," or, "Honestly, it's dog." Either which way, I don't think the word 'honest' ever really bodes that well on a menu.
I'd managed to keep a bottle of Russian vodka with me up to this point, but it lasted no longer as me and some of my room-mates decided to sneak it out with us to make the night a bit cheaper, before heading to the night market. This was much like the one in Beijing, but less sanitary, with chickens and fish being variously killed and butchered right next to the woks. Delicacies on offer here included dried River Rat (which looked like a bat), snake, raw chikens' feet, and of course dog. We bought something that looked like an umbilical cord wrapped around a stick. The suspicion is that it might have been a skinned baby eel. Or maybe it was just an actual umbilical cord. It was fairly inedible.
The next day, me and a girl from my dorm decided to go bamboo rafting. We got a day's free bike rent with this to get us to the raft, and for us to explore the area afterwards. Having not ridden a bike for so long, I got pretty saddle sore and fairly terrified having to negate the Chinese roads. And, as I stupidly forgotten to put suncream on, or even bring it with me, I ended up with florescent legs and pin-striped feet. I knew it was happening, but there was no escape.
The trip itself was really cool, and we had a pretty funny driver/punter who started the day the way he meant to go on by necking a beer. After we got off the raft, we headed up to a place called Moon Hill, which has great views of the area.
I'd managed to find a cheap flight to Bangkok, so decided to go there next, and hopefully straight on to Chiang Mai.
written by  olliejohnson on August 25, 2006 from Yangshuo, China

Notes on China
Yangshuo, China
1. China is massive in every way. Roughly the same size as the 48 States, it has a population of 1.3 billion. That means that 1 in every 5 people on Earth is Chinese.
2. It's the Chinese who should have the reputation as the ones obsessed with tea. They drink it literally all the time. Even young people carry around thermos flasks of tea, just in case they wander too far from somewhere that serves it.
3. On approaching middle age, it becomes essential for Chinese men to pull up their t-shirts to just over their beer belly whenever they are slightly warm.
4. Driving like you want to die is a must for any bus driver who wants to be taken seriously. You must spend equal amounts of time on each side of the road, attempting to over/undertake vehicles that are smaller and faster, regardless of any approaching traffic. Instead of a brake pedal, you sound your horn.
written by  olliejohnson on August 30, 2006 from Yangshuo, China

One night in Bangkok
Bangkok, Thailand
My flight only got in around 10pm, and by the time I'd got the bus into the city, it was too late and I was too tired to have a look around. It was funny enough to have 2 prostitutes standing there cooing at me as soon as I got off the bus. I quickly found refuge in my hostel, and looked into getting up to Chiang Mai the next day. Found a cheap flight leaving late morning, and booked myself on.
written by  olliejohnson on August 30, 2006 from Bangkok, Thailand

Drinking moonshine with Jungle Jim
Chiang Mai, Thailand
Before I'd left England, my Dad had given me a compass. My lack of directional sense is acute and well known, so as much as this was a bit of a joke gift, I think we both knew it was actually going to get a fair bit of use. And up till now, it had managed to keep me to roughly where I wanted to be.
I'd heard that Chiang Mai airport was actually quite close to the city itself, so I stupidly decided to walk it when I arrived. Unfortunately, it was pissing down with rain when I arrived, but I decided to press on undeterred. I knew from my map that I had to walk roughly North-East, and I'd eventually come to a moat that pretty much marked the city centre. So I looked at the compass, and then packed it away in my backpack. As it was raining, I couldn't stop and unpack again to double check on route that I was still going in the right direction. But I didn't really see this as a problem, because once you know which way is North, it's not going to suddenly change is it? What I didn't take in to account is roads that bend. Up until now, most had been fairly straight.
{{OJMidtown026.jpg|left}}An hour and a half later, and I should have hit the city centre by now, but, instead, I'm approaching a mountain with only a couple of shacks around me. Something had gone wrong. Fighting every manly instinct withing me, I swallowed my pride and asked around for directions, and eventually found someone who could understand me. She pointed back in roughly the direction I'd come from. I'd been heading West the whole time. 2 bours later, soaked to the skin, I made it to my destination.
Since then, I've had a great time here in Chiang Mai. I've visited the night market a couple of times, which is absolutley massive, and sells all sorts of things. You can pick up t-shirts for about a pound and trainers and sunglasses for just a bit more. I also spent an afternoon wandering around the temples in the city, and was lucky enough to be in one at a time when the monks had a chanting session (though one was on his Mobile at the start, which looked a little odd.) There was also a monk-school next door, where little wannabe monks learn their trade.
{{OJMidtown019.jpg|center}}I then booked myself onto a 3 day trek up the mountains to the North of the city. Our guide, introduced as 'Jungle Jim', was an absolute legend, and kept us well entertained on the journey up to the village where we were staying that night. It was on the ridge at the top of a montain and gave some spectacular views. The villagers were really friendly, and we had an absolute feast cooked up for us.
{{OJMidtown022.jpg|left}}As it began to get dark we were joined by 'Mr Whiskey', who brought what he described as moonshine, and the drinking games began. The main one we played had a penalty of a soot mark on the face as well as a shot, and we all got pretty wasted and covered in soot. Jungle Jim struggled the most, and had to quit about halfway through with various black smears all over his face. Together with his lack of upper front teeth, he would have looked a frightening prospect. This was confirmed soon after, as he wildly stumbled into the other groups' hut, babbling incoherantly and scaring the shit out of the occupants.
Mr Whiskey managed to last the night, and kept us very entertained with stories about being a guide up in the mountains. The best thing about Mr Whiskey was his very particular hatred of a nation. He detested Canadians. Coundn't stand them. He'd had too many experiences to think it was just bad luck. Apparently, it's pretty easy for the guides to make a 1 hour walk into a 5 hour walk, and he'd done this a few times for Canadian tourists. Luckily for us, we were Canadian free. Oleg, a young Israeli chap fresh from finishing his national service, caused great amusement when he thought the mosquito net above his bed was a hammock.
{{OJMidtown023.jpg|right}}The next day, Jim showed us the village schoolroom, and we played a quick game that's like volleyball, except you use anything apart from your hands, and it's with a ball made from inter-twined bamboo. Then we treked to a couple of waterfalls, had a swim and then lunch. The hamlet we spent our last night at, was at the bottom of a valley, and next to a little river. The 'shower' was a little open-top bamboo cubicle, with a barrel of water and a saucepan. While I was in there, I saw some elephants mooching around in the jungle uphill from me. I suddenly felt like a proper traveller.
Next day we had a small walk to the elephant camp, and got ready for our ride. I'd heard that the ride could be a little uncomfortable if you sat around the neck, as the bristles on an elephant are very thick and wirey, and can cause a serious amount of chaffage. So I was only too happy when Oleg asked to be the one to go on the neck (though I felt a pang of guilt as he slide himself down wearing his 80's style short shorts.) I asked him whether he was comfortable, to which he gave a hesitant "I don't know" as a response.
{{OJMidtown024.jpg|right}}Our elephant was a young, stubborn and slow female. And her name was Come, which I thought was quite an unusual one. The jungle walk itself led us up some almost vertical ravines, which we would inevitably have to go back down. Oleg suddenly said "I want down" to our guide, and before he even had a chance to reply, Oleg had swung his leg over and jumped off. This seemed to freak Come out a bit, which had me concerned too, as we were on a narrow path with a large drop to one side. I attempted to give her some vocal reassurance. She responded by walking upto and then ramming her head into the elephant in front, which then shat itself. The guides luckily managed to restore order as I was working out how best to survive a fall with an elephant in tow.
After the elephant ride, we got on a raft for some white-water action, which was really cool. Our guide let us out for a swim along a quieter stretch, which we enjoyed until a snake decided to skim across the surface amongst us. Obviously, I screamed like a girl and swore it was coming right for me before scrambling back into the boat.
Found a cheap guesthouse for the next couple of days, and then I'll be off to Laos.
written by  olliejohnson on September 5, 2006 from Chiang Mai, Thailand

Cruising down the Mekong, Day 1
Chiang Khong, Thailand
The bus journey from Chiang Mai to Chiang Khong was perhaps the funniest one yet. We were all picked up from our guesthouses and taken to the travel companies offices to get the Laos visa sorted there. As it was still only 1500 Baht I went with it. When we all got back on the minibus there was a Thai woman sat in the front, who hadn't been there before. Obviously, she wasn't the driver - not only was she a) a woman, but she b) wasn't behind the wheel. Instead she managed to squeeze snugly in between the poor girl having to ride in the front, and the driver himself.
We stopped soon after, so that madam could hop out for 5 minutes and get the two of them (her and the driver) some snacks for the journey, which she then tenderley fed him, oblivious to the 9 bodies sat right behind them, unable to look anywhere else but directly at them. She snuggled up to him, he put his arm around her, and she nuzzled into his nook. He'd gaze into her eyes, and almost kill us all by veering off the road. Then she began getting a bit fresh. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, the driver was given a bit of light relief. What the hell are you supposed to do with that happening right in front of you?! All I could do was put my Ipod on and pretend to read.
Full moon over Laos, reflection in the Mekong
Towards the end of the journey, we made a detour to drop her off at her house, and we all wished her a fond farewell. Eventually we arrived in Chiang Khong, and our guesthouse was right on one side of the Mekong, looking out into Laos. Dinner was an all-you-can-eat buffet, which I, of course took full advantage of, but the Israelis in our group universally hated. We all went out in the evening and ended up at a place called 'Madame's Country Bar'. It was awesome. There was an entire band of ladyboys on stage, and I was gutted I'd left my camera at the guesthoue. Especially so when they responded to the Israeli request of 'play something English' by singing the Nottingham Uni classic 'Numa Numa Yei' (by Macedonian legends Ozone). One of the Israeli girls kept on bugging me saying that I wasn't smiling enough (well, perhaps that's because you keep talking to me) and took it upon herself to attempt to drag me onto the empty dancefloor with her. (Turns out she's doing the same circuit as me, and I'd later have to dodge her in Luang Prabang, Vang Vieng, and probably Krabi too. Damn my irresistable charm.)
On the slow boat down the Mekong
There were 2 ghekos in my room, and just as I was about to launch a serious offensive against them, one of the Irish guys from the minibus told me that ghekos are good things to have as they eat insects and mosquitos. Needless to say, the ghekos were then named, and the legends kept me bite free all night.
Me being fearless on the slow boat
The next morning we crossed the Mekong in the flimsiest of narrow boats, and made our way to the slow boat departure point. The slow boat really was very slow. The most slow thing about it was the departure. With everyone on board, we all waited for over 2 hours before the driver rocked up, and then for another 1/2 hour before anything approaching movement. It pissed down for the first hour, but after that the journey wasn't too bad. It only took 6 hours (not the 10 that had been rumoured and feared) and we arrived in Pak Beng amidst massive celebratons after some big boat race. Strangely, one boat team was wearing Real Madrid shirts, and another was wearing Man U. Got another guesthouse with gheko in room. Sweet!
written by  olliejohnson on September 7, 2006 from Chiang Khong, Thailand

Cruising down the Mekong, Day 2
Muang Pakbeng, Laos
Pak Beng. That's pretty much all there is to the town.
Spent most of the evening in Pak Beng trying to dodge a Laos Professor who'd latched onto me at the guesthouse. Apparently he specialised in earthworms.
"You've heard of earthworm?", he asked me during our first conversation. I knew he was a Professor and that he was working in the area. So, for some reason I thought he was referring to some sort of 'project earthworm', that any Westerner with a heart should know about. Perhaps some kind of Oxfam-type scheme, where they don't just get a fish, they get a net so that they can do their own fishing. Work themselves out of poverty. That sort of thing. Yep, Project Earthworm. I was a big supporter already.
"Have I heard of Earthworm?" I attempted a serious, yet caring face. "I definately recognise the name, and the sort of area it's in, but I'm not exactly sure what it does if i'm honest."
This seemed to confuse him. It evidently wasn't the answer he was after. He resorted to simply repeating himself. "Earthworm." He waggled his finger. This, I understood.
"Oh the actual earthworm. Yeah,I know those." And so he went on to talk at me for half an hour about his earthworm fun. He'd been digging up the critters all over Laos, and had even found one 115cm long in the North. I wasn't sure if this was exceptional in the world of earthworms, so I ventured an entusiastic "wow! That's big!"
"No," he corrected. "Long, not big." Schoolboy error. Clearly, I still had a lot to learn about studying the earthworm.
My wads of Laos cash
The Laos currency is Kip, by the way. It's almost as pointless as the Lira was. 10,000 Kip to a US Dollar. So, when I changed my Dollars to Kip at the border, the guy got out 2 fat wads of cash. I expected him to count out what I was owed. He pushed them towards me. Slightly embarrassed by my sudden elevation to cash-in-hand millionaire, I stuffed the wads in my bag and made my exit.
Mist on mountains next to Mekong
The journey on the Mekong the next day was a bit more pleasant as the boat was less crowded. There was, however, a massive rainstorm, which forced the driver to beach us for 20 minutes, as the engine was filling up with water and we had begun to list to one side. The baggage on board was shifted to the other to act as a counter-weight. With a bit of bailing and an easing up of the storm, we were soon back on our way, and arrived in Luang Prabang in the early evening. Joined up with some English guys I'd met on the boat and got a cheap guesthouse, before sniffing out a bar that was showing live Prem. Caught Everton stuffing Liverpool 3-0. Not the re-introduction to football I'd have liked.
written by  olliejohnson on September 8, 2006 from Muang Pakbeng, Laos

Stalking tigers
Luang Prabang, Laos
Gun at the top of Phouset Hill
This is definately one of the most chilled-out places I've been to. It's a surreal experience walking through the market at night, as the sellers are all so relaxed the most you can expect is a 'hello', unless you start looking through their wares. Spent a lot of time doing not very much here. I walked up Phouset Hill in the middle of the town, which gives amazing views of the area, and there's a temple at the top too. There's also a reminder of the revolution that happened not too long ago, with a massive gun right next to the temple.
View from the top of Phouset Hill
I rented a mountain bike for a day, and headed off to Khoung Si waterfall, which was 28km to the south of the town. As I set out, I reasoned that that was only 17 or so miles. I hadn't thought that it was, naturally a return journey, or that I might have to go over mountains. It took me close to 2 hours to get there, and I arrived close to being a broken man. However, the waterfalls made it all pretty much worth it.
The big waterfall at Khoung Si
After an hour or so swimming around in the freezing waters on a hot day, I made my way back to the bike through the forest. I turned a corner and came face to face with a tiger, slowly walking in my direction. Fairly understandably, I froze (I'm not sure how this natural reflex reaction is actually supposed to do you any good).
A tiger
Then, I noticed that she was in fact in a cage, none of which I'd noticed on my way up to the waterfalls. Apparently it's all part of a protection scheme in Laos, and nearby were some black bears being 'saved'. The advice on the tigers cage seemed fairly sound - it urged you not to poke anything through the cage as the tiger would actually bite it. Surely we should let Darwinism take care of the sort of people that need these warnings - we need them out of the gene pool.
Anyway, the ride back wasn't so bad, as it was mostly downhill. I swallowed my pride and resorted to pushing the bike up any hills, whilst being overtaken by children on bikes without gears. Had a really good street buffet that evening before heading off to the now infamous Hive Bar for the night. Sensible planning, as I was getting picked up at my guesthouse the next morning at 7:30 for the dreaded bus to Vang Vieng.
written by  olliejohnson on September 10, 2006 from Luang Prabang, Laos

Tubing in the dark
Vang Vieng, Laos
The journey from Vang Vieng to Luang Prabang really couldn't have started any better - I had one of the best sandwiches I've ever had whilst waiting for the bus to go. A chicken and salad baguette with a touch of mayo. The bread was perfect - not too soft, not to brittle. The chicken was still warm! The salad was cool and crunchy, and best of all, there was no tomato for me to pick out before eating it. And it was perfectly seasoned with a good measure of pepper. It was indeed a thing of beauty. As I walked onto the bus, I was still shaking my head in disbelief as to how good that sandwich had been. It took a chap walking past me with a semi-automatic rifle hanging around his shoulder to snap me out of my trance.
Of course I'd heard that this was probably going to happen from other travellers, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you see it. The reason (as I understand it,)for this armed 'guard' on most journeys between Vang Vieng and Luang Prabang, is due to the linking road (Route 13) having been attacked by bandits fairly heavily in the past. However, I'm really not sure what good it would do anyone to have one armed guy on the bus against a group of armed guys attacking the bus. Personally, I'd much rather that guns were taken out of the bus altogether, so that there was no need for anyone to fire one at anybody else. Luckily though, our trip was bandit free. I don't think our guard was up to much anyway - he spent the whole time sleeping, with his gun poking him in the side, as likely to shoot himself in his sleep than defend us against any outside terrors.
The route for the first 4 hours takes you over and around the most windy mountains you could possibly imagine. And the bus driver didn't like to break too often. So, although I'd managed to get a double seat to myself, any thoughts of lying down for a kip soon went out the window, as I'd either slam my head into the wall, or slide off the seat altogether. Eventually we arrived in Vang Vieng in one piece, and I got a room for about $2 a night.
Vang Vieng is a really weird place. It sort of springs up in the middle of nowhere. It's on part of a massive dusty flat plain, with mountains reaching up to one side and far in the distance; and the river running beside it manages to remain hidden until you're actually on it. The town seems to exist soley because of the backpackers going through it. It's a bit of a surreal place - almost like Las Vegas in that you're not sure if there is a real heart to it anymore, or whether it's just an exotic Centre Parcs.
The Guesthouse I was staying in was one of those that showed Friends from about 8 in the morning to 11-11:30 at night. And, as with most of the bars and restaurants in Vang Vieng, it had really comfortable seating (consisting of raised platforms with loads of cushions and pillows, and a small table in the middle) which, once you'd sat down, was so comfy that it was difficult to sum up the energy to get back up again. You could end up going somewhere for lunch and then staying there till closing time - on my first evening I put myself through 5 hours of Friends (series 10)in a paralysis of comfort. When I came down the nest morning, series 1 was back on, and so it goes on and on and on. Another bar showed Simpsons on a loop, with others showing various movies. On my last night I found one that had a load of Family Guy.
{{ojbangkok010.jpg|left}}Apart from all this culture, I also managed a couple of day-trip type activities, one of which was the famous (among backpackers anyway) tubing along the river. You get given an old lorry-tyre tube, which you jump in and stop at the various bars along the route back to Vang Vieng. We started at around 1 as we'd heard that things didn't really get going until then, but it turned out that as it was the sunniest day for a long while, the river was absolutely packed. The bars were really good fun, and apart from serving beer and other drinks, had music and massive rope swings that took you really high above the water. We were having such a good time in the bars, that it began to get dark before we realised it - and we had to get the tubes back by dark,
a)because the hire-company asked that you do so, and
b)because otherwise we had no idea of where we were going or when to stop.
So, in a slight panic, our group of about a dozen quickly jumped in the tubes, tried to stick fairly close together, and hoped for the best. It turned out that we needn't have worried, as the neon lights of the bars beyond the finishing points guided us home.
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I also spent a day kayaking, but there was only 3 of us doing it, so I had to share a kayak with our Lao guide, who soon quized me as to whether I was married and about my girlfriend. He told me that I should have 3 girlfriends, and although he explanied why, I couldn't really understand him. So I asked him whether he was married. He wasn't. Did he have a girlfriend. No. He laughed when I asked this. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, but was slightly reassured by the fact that if he tried anything on whilst on the kayak, I'd just capsize us.
{{ojbangkok007.jpg|left}}We stopped to look at some caves later in the morning. The first one was the 'elephant cave', so called because there was a rock that looked like an elephant in it. And that was about it. There was some buddhist stuff in there too, and our guide (coincidentally called Row) decided it was time for a story. One that would sap our will to live, as it would plod on for the next 15 minutes, with Row using his great theatrical talents to give different voices to all the different characters. I think it was about a dragon that lived in the cave. The monk that lived in there too told him he was lazy. And then so did a monkey. The dragon said that he couldn't do anything else because the villagers were scared of him. So the monk said he could stay and guard the temple. There was no further mention of the monkey.
{{ojbangkok008.jpg|right}}Then we went to another cave, this time semi-submerged, and to go through we laid on tubes and had to follow a rope. It was actually a bit more fun than I've just made it sound. Afterwards we kayaked back to Vang Vieng.
I'd heard through the grapevine that there really wasn't much to do in Vientiane, so I decided to just book a trip all the way back to Bangkok. This still gave me a couple of hours to have a look around Vientiane in between bus journeys. My impression of it is: it's still a bit French. Went over the 'Friendship bridge' back into Thailand and boarded our 'luxury' sleeper bus that would arrive in Bangkok at 7 in the morning.
written by  olliejohnson on September 12, 2006 from Vang Vieng, Laos

Dodging tanks in Bangkok
Bangkok, Thailand
Koah San Road in Bangkok
Unbeknown to all of us trying to get some sleep in the back, the driver must have been in a real hurry to get to Bangkok. Maybe he knew something we didn't. But the upturn of all of this, was that rather than arrive in Bangkok at the relatively unreasonable hour of 7am, we got there at 4 instead. Hoping against hope that we would just be left to sleep while the bus parked up till 7, I was forcibly ejected, with the small consolation that I managed to hang on to the blanket we'd been given at the start. Any thoughts of just finding a quiet corner to continue my kipping till daylight were soon banished by the sight of rats the size of small dogs scurrying around my feet, not to mention the festering stink that seems as much a part of Bangkok as ladyboys and cheap t-shirts.
Temple across the water
So my mind was made up to find somewhere to crash for the next few hours and the following night, while I sorted out what my next move was going to be. This would also give me a chance to have a quick look around the city. Luckily I came across a Guesthouse that had a wardrobe free, and this was to be my room for the next 36 hours. If I contorted myself in a particular manner I could touch all 4 walls at once (though, admittedly, I would be unlikely to sleep in such a position.)
Giant reclining Buddha
So I spent the next day wandering around the local markets, going to Chinatown, visiting a temple that housed the largest reclining buddha in Thailand, and catching up on email. The buddha is in only one part of a massive temple complex, and there were loads of weird and wonderful statues dotted around, with some other interesting-looking buildings with lots of spires. The buddha itself was indeed very long. Apparently the 'recline' was the position adopted when the buddha was on its' way to Nirvana. It does look pretty comfortable.
Camp statue outside giant buddha temple
In the evening I booked a flight for the next day to Krabi, and caught Man U losing at home to Arsenal. Had a sweet and restful sleep. 24 Hours later, whilst I was wondering around Krabi, the tanks rolled in and the first coup in 17 years quietly took place.
written by  olliejohnson on September 16, 2006 from Bangkok, Thailand

Troublefree Monkeys and troublesome snakes
Krabi, Thailand
West Beach as the day draws to an end
I arrived in Krabi in the early evening, so just had time to get a Guesthouse, wonder around the night market and work out how best to get to Railay the next morning. Turned out it's really easy; all you need to do is rock up to the peer when you want to go, and when there's enough people, you all get in the longtail boat and set off.
My 'chalet' in Railay
Railay isn't actually and island, but it's at the end of a small peninsular and completely disconnected by road, so has a real island feel with beaches on 3 sides. I got to Railay at high tide, which meant minimum wading through waters with a backpack. If I were to have to do this, you can be certain I would be the sort of person to fall in. I made my way up to 'Railay Cabana' despite the warnings of locals on the way telling me it was miles to walk. It actually only took about 10 minutes. Like pretty much all the other accomodation in Railay, it was a collection of huts, ambitiously described as 'chalets', but as it was only 150 Baht a night, it meant I had more to spend on food and alcohol.
A Monkey with its' baby
On the way to and from the beaches I had to negotiate a pack of monkeys that were searching through a hotel's bins daily. Without the benefit of a stick to hand with which to beat them, I decided not to spoil for a fight.
Not really sure which beach this was. But it looks nice.
There are 3 beaches on Railay, though only 2 of them are the sort of beaches you'd want to spend time on: West Beach and Phrao Nang (to the North). The whole place was relatively deserted, which meant that there was no more than a dozen or so people on a beach at any one time. It also meant that most of the bars in Railay were closed, and those that were open were empty; so there wasn't much in terms of nightlife. But I still speant a few days enjoying the beaches and swimming in the warm, clear water before heading to Phi Phi.
Longtail boats at sunset on West Beach
I managed to catch a couple of sunsets on West Beach, and got some pretty nice photos. On my last night in Railay, on returning to my hut in the pitch black, I switched on the light to find a snake enjoying the few home comforts my accomodation was offering. Rather than scream like a girl and run away (which would have been my usual reaction), I did the much more Manly thing of shining my torch in its' eyes until it left the hut. I was finally becoming a man at one with nature.
written by  olliejohnson on September 18, 2006 from Krabi, Thailand

Phi Phi
Krabi, Thailand
The ferry from Railay to Phi Phi took 2 hours; in blazing sunshine I decided it was best not to arrive with sunburn and took shelter in the air-conditioned cabin. I hadn't heard too much positive stuff about Phi Phi, but it was exactly what I needed when I got there. It was busy, but not ridiculously so, so the beaches were never too crowded, and the bars never too empty. I also welcomed the chances to have a proper pizza and real English breakfast.
There are two Phi Phi Islands, with the smaller one (Phi Phi Ley), being the one that was used for The Beach movie. The Thai government wanted to keep at least one fairly untouched, so no 'development' is allowed on Ley; it's all restricted to the bigger island. Both are still stunningly beautiful. The larger island is basically 2 parallel sets of hills joined in the middle by arcs of sand. This creates 2 bays and 2 main beaches (though one is now primarily just a harbour), with a small town in the middle. I took this photo from a viewpoint on one of the hills.
{{ojkotabharu031.jpg|center}}From this, you can see why Phi Phi was hit so badly by the Tsunami - such a thin, flat strip of land. It's only really beginning to properly recover. Over 2,000 people died on the island, the majority of which were tourists hitting the beach first thing. {{ojkotabharu024.jpg|right}}There are now warning signs around the beaches. However with the advice consisting of "run to higher ground", I'm not sure how much good they would really do. At one end of the main beach there is a memorial garden for the victims of the Tsunami. I'm not usually one to say this or that really affected me in any great way - I'm almost perpetually and frustratingly underwhelmed. Perhaps that's why I came travelling. {{ojkotabharu023.jpg|left}}But anyway, walking around this beautiful little garden, decorated with various things that were washed up by the Tsunami, and then seeing the wall with plaques of names of some of the people that died, and photos with notes from relatives... Well, it was very moving. I think it's added to by the fact that there's still a lot of obvious work going on in the clear-up. It makes it all very real rather than just some abstract tragedy. But, as I say, there were plenty of tourists on the Island when I arrived, and it was getting busier and busier, which is what the Island and the people need more than anything.
The Guesthouse I found on the Island was called Ban Thai, and I mention this because the woman that ran it, Mrs Lee, was an absolute legend, and I highly recommend staying there if you get the chance. She's like a mother hen looking after her brood - she runs a tight ship and keeps everyone in line, but goes out of her way to do everything she can to help you out. She learns everyones' names and always asks how you are and where you're off to. When I arrived she was bollocking this Israeli guy for being late, and when I checked in she told me, "don't be stupid" and put loo roll in the toilet. Wouldn't dream of it Mrs Lee.
{{ojkotabharu025.jpg|right}}Every evening I ended up at "Hippies Bar", where I met more and more Irish every night, with pretty much everyone going off to Australia. With all these Irish around me talking about how Australia was the land of opportunity, was the place to go for a better life, how they didn't think they were going back, it was like being taken back 100 years ago to when the Irish flooded to the States.
{{ojkotabharu027.jpg|left}}With the Coup in Bangkok a curfew had been set in place, which I hadn't had the opportunity to notice at Railay. It meant that no music was allowed to be played after 12 for the next 2 weeks. They could serve drinks, but couldn't play music. This seemed pretty pointless to me, as people still stayed out till the morning regardless of the lack of music.
{{ojkotabharu030.jpg|right}} spent one of the days here on a boat and snorkeling trip around the Islands with 4 Canadians and an English girl from my Guesthouse. Had a really cool day relaxing amongst some of the best scenary I'd seen so far. We went to Shark Point (which was sadly devoid of sharks), Bamboo Island, Monkey Island (where I wanted to resume battle, but they weren't up for a fight. Cowards), and finally Maya Bay on Phi Phi Ley. Unfortunately we arrived at low tide, but it was still pretty spectacular.
Mrs Lee woke me up on my last morning on Phi Phi to make sure I caught the 9 O'Clock ferry back to Krabi. She'd organised my whole journey down to Malaysia. She wished me a safe trip and I was on my way.
written by  olliejohnson on September 21, 2006 from Krabi, Thailand

Learning to dive in the Perhentians
Kota Baharu, Malaysia
Long beach on Perhentian Kecil
The journey down to Sungai Kolok at the Malaysian border went without a hassle. It just took a bloody long time. On the second mini-bus I'd had to take I got chatting to 3 guys from Leeds who were also on their way to the Perhentians. When we got to Sugai Kolok it was pitch black outside. Perhaps expecting some sort of assistance in crossing the border, we were a little surprised when the minibus stopped in a deserted carpark and told us to just walk in the direction of the lights he was pointing at. We did as we were told, and eventually came to a deserted border crossing point. As we walked across the bridge that marked the border, we could hear the wailings coming from evening prayers at the Mosques in Malaysia. I've found that Islam is really really big here.
We shared a taxi into Kota Baharu, from where we'd be able to get a taxi to the port in the morning. Used a map in my Lonely Planet, and actually found what I was looking for. Got a ticket from the Guesthouse for the speedboat to the Perhentian Islands for the morning. This also included the price of the taxi to the port at 8 the next morning. Somehow I slept through my alarm (though to be fair it is just my ipod's alarm turned up to maximum), and was woken by banging on my door at 8 telling me my taxi was waiting. Everything was shoved into the backpack and I dived into the cab offering my sincere apologies to my travel companions not only for my lateness, but for my not having time to shower. The speedboat to the Island was amazing. The guy just floored it.
My 'chalet' on Perhentian Kecil
The Perhentians are a pair of Islands about 8 miles off the north-east coast of Malaysia, and like Phi Phi, one is known as 'big' island, the other 'small'. I stayed on small island (Kecil), on Long Beach, which had a lower standard of accomodation, but was cheaper and had a better nightlife. My 'chalet' here was even more basic than the one I'd had on Railay. And it was rotting beneath me. There was one shared bathroom block (shared with all the other chalets and the local dive school) - 2 toilets and 2 showers. No sinks, no mirrors.
View from my chalet in Perhentian Kecil
The showers were hoses with a tap on, and obviously only had cold water. But apart from that, the island was amazing. Really beautiful, and despite what I'd heard, had a decent nightlife. Alcohol was freely available, despite being told that it wouldn't be due to it being a Muslim country. There was a really cool bar actually on the beach where everyone would end up, as it would serve until the last person left. The barman was a legend, and had a really eclectic taste in music - his favourite band was Deep Purple. There were also nightly BBQs on the beach, and they used a special maranade which was delicious. The Barracuda was my favourite.
My fellow learners and me
I decided soon after arriving on the Island that I'd finally take a scuba diving course, which would then allow me to dive all over the world up to 18 metres deep. During the course I got to see lots of Clown Fish, Trigger Fish, Sting Rays (who are the new Great White apparently) and a school of massive, 1 metre long parrot fish. The course eventually took 5 days, as there was one guy (Khurum) on our course that really struggled. He's one of the most accident-prone guys I've ever met, and it looks like I'll be heading into the jungle with him at Taman Negara. This is a good idea as it'll then mean that if anyone is going to get bitten, stung or eaten, it'll be him. I'll just have to make sure my first aid kit is to hand.
written by  olliejohnson on September 24, 2006 from Kota Baharu, Malaysia

Perhentian part 2
Kota Baharu, Malaysia
Sunrise over Big Island
I met some really interesting people on the island:
- one guy had spent the last 15 months travelling to this point from England overland. The southern route too - which took him through Iran and Pakistan, and along the Afghanistan border. He reckoned Iran was the most friendly place he's been to.
- another had been travelling for a year and plans to for another 4 or 5. He saved up this money by working as an environmental spy on an oil rig. To do this he had to have a legitimate job on the rig, and got paid shit loads for both. After 4 years of doing this (2 weeks on the rig, 2 weeks off), he'd managed to save 40,000 pounds.
- bizzarely, 2 guys, travelling completely separately, who'd both been in the British under 18 gymnastics squad, and lived at Lilleshall for a few years. Queue drunken acrobatics on the beach at night.
- a Canadian guy who was a pilot in the Yukon (in the North of Canada). He had to fly supplies to various scientific and explorative camps, and absolutely loved his job as he got to spend all day with birds' eye views of the deserted wilderness.
The damage caused by a locked out Ollie
The doors to our chalets were locked by just a small padlock, with a tiny key that i was inevitably going to lose. When this did finally happen, in my attempt to break back into my room, I managed to put my foot through the wall. I eventually found the key underneath the chalet. I tried to hide the damage by pushing the broken plank back into place. It seemed to work.
Richard Keys and Brian Clough.
I also managed to spot a fair amount of nature in my time on the island. I had 2 ghekos; Richard Keys and Brian Clough, guarding my room each night, and they stayed in exactly the same place. I liked them. There were also more monkeys, monitor lizzards, and what I swear were pygmi squirrels. I need someone to check that last one out for me though.
I'm now back in Kota Bharu, and will be heading off to the national park in the middle of Malaysia; Teman Nagara, tomorrow, for more animal fun. The 'Jungle railway' to the park leaves the station near Kota Bharu at 6am. It's going to be an early night.
written by  olliejohnson on September 25, 2006 from Kota Baharu, Malaysia

Getting covered in bat shit in the jungle
Jerantut, Malaysia
As I returned to my Guesthouse in Kota Baharu, I found 2 German guys that I'd met on the Perhentian Islands there too; Marcus (who'd been my diving buddy in my Open Water course), and his friend Flo. They're making their way to New Zealand, where they'll be till January before heading home. My German isn't so hot, so luckily for me, Marcus has just graduated as an English teacher, and Flo is also fluent. On a demonstration of my German, they were amazed that I'd had 5 years of lessons at school. Anyway, it turned out that they were heading off to Teman Negara on the Jungle Railway too, and there was a taxi going from our Guesthouse. This made things a lot easier for me.
On the Jungle Railway down to Jerantut
So, the next morning we arrived at the station at 6, met up with Khurum (who had now decided that he didn't fancy Teman Negara any more, so was going to Kuala Lumpur. He had grander plans than our little jungle jaunt. He was off to Borneo.) and got onto the surprisingly comfortable train in the pitch black. The seats were really springy, and the reason for this was soon apparent. We were to be riding a bucking bronko for the next 10 hours. Luckily, it wasn't too hot or packed, so, apart from the bouncing, the journey was relatively comfortable. The scenery was pretty good too, as we were taken deeper and deeper into the world's oldest rainforest (apparently no ice-age or tectonic activity has affected this region).
On arriving in Jerantut (the stopping-off point for journeys into the jungle), we decided to share a room there that night, and head off to Kuala Tehan (the town right next to the National Park) the next morning. The main highlight here was the male receptionist with a ridiculously high voice attempting to flirt with us, and his clear interest in Flo. We went to an 'information meeting' in the evening and were lectured at by the guy giving the talk, who had an annoying habit of shouting "get it??!!", at the end of every sentence. We left after half an hour, during which he'd managed to describe only that there were 2 ways to get to the park; bus or boat.
Water Buffalo in the jungle
Well, it turned out that there was only one option, as when we tried to get the bus the next morning, we were told that it wasn't running, and we'd have to take the 3 hour boat journey, which turned out to be a killer. We saw jungle, some water Buffalo, and that's about it. The boat itself was a long, thin, narrow type, 2 people wide and sitting very low in the water. And there were lots of leaks - there was a guy sat in front of the driver whose sole job was to bale water for the entire journey. The guy I was sat next to, Asif, was an architect in London, travelling alone, and was to join us in our jungle adventures.
Flo posing in the Pink Palace
When we finally arrived, the 4 of us set off to look for accomodation. By this point, I was dying for a piss, so I signed into the first cheap place we came across while the others had a look at some other places. 10 minutes later they came back, saying they'd found somewhere much nicer that was exactly the same price - it had mosquito nets and everything. I really couldn't be assed to move, but they insisted, so I managed to get a refund and headed off with them. Well, words cannot begin to describe the homosexuality of the dorm that greeted me when I opened the door of this new place. Pink and peach mosquito nets, draped over each set of bunkbeds, with little frills at the bottom and even peach coloured walls. This room even smelled of girls.
Me and my 'lovely bear and friends' bedsheets
And to make things worse, my bedsheets had 'Lovely Bear and friends' all over them. I told them it was pretty much the gayest thing I had ever seen (and I've seen Murph dressed up like a woman). Flo decided to dub it 'The Pink Palace'.
written by  olliejohnson on October 3, 2006 from Jerantut, Malaysia

Getting covered in bat shit in the jungle 2
Jerantut, Malaysia
Flo on the canopy walk
Eager to escape our effeminate enclosure, we set off into the jungle that afternoon for more macho pursuits. A 1 and 1/2 hour trek through rainforest followed by a canopy walk fit the bill perfectly. The canopy walk was around 30 metres above the jungle floor, over flimsey bits of wood laid over a laddder of sorts. This was all held in place by a hell of a lot of rope, which in turn was tied to some really old trees. With my explorer hat on, I imagined I was Indiana Jones walking over the rope bridge in the Temple of Doom (far removed from the Graham Norton of our dorm).
Bats in the bat cave
The next day we decided to go to Goa Telinga, which is a small, dark, cramped cave filled with bats. Ever mindful of the dangers of leeches, every precaution was taken. Long sleeve t-shirts and trousers were worn, and to avoid the threat of leeches at ankle-level, personal dignity took a blow as trousers were tucked into socks. Luckily Flo and Marcus had brought head torches, so we could actually see where we were going in the cave. This turned out to be especially helpful considering that there was bat shit everywhere, which made everything really slippy, and also meant I spent a fair amount of time losing my balance and rolling around getting covered in the stuff. It was a pretty weird experience with thousands of bats hanging in the cave around us. Occasionally you hear a load of fluttering and then before you'd even seen it, you'd feel the beating of air past your face as a bat flew right past you.
On a jungle trek
On the way back to the hostel, Marcus somehow managed to get a leech in his sock, which gave him a hell of a bite before being turned to mush. The rest of us, owing to complete over-protection and layers of mosquito spray, managed to stay bite-free. Stupidly, the guys all listend to me when I told them that, contrary to what it specifically said on our tickets, we didn't actually need to reconfirm our return journey to Jerantut for the next day. I'm still certain that that's what the guy said at the meeting. Anyway, my error was to be revealed when we turned up to catch our minibus at 8 the next morning.
written by  olliejohnson on October 3, 2006 from Jerantut, Malaysia

Seeing the sights in Kuala Lumpur
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
So, we turned up at 8am to catch the bus back to Jerantut, and were subsequently told that we should have reconfirmed as there wasn't enough space on the bus. I put up a storming protest, which centred around blaming someone else (the rep back in Jerantut) for the error. After a little debate and a few phone calls, the woman organising things on our end managed to sort out another bus to come and pick us up, only we were told that we'd have to wait a few minutes as the driver was currently in the shower. When the bus did arrive, he drove at speeds approaching my dad's, and made the journey which usually takes 1 1/2 hours in 45 minutes.
KL Tower
From Jerantut, me Flo and Marcus took local buses all the way to Kuala Lumpur, which still only took just over 3 hours, and disappointingly, there were no weird locals doing crazy things to keep me amused . Using the Lonely Planet as a guide, and with me staying well away from any navigational duties, we made it to our hostel without any problems. Though things did look a little ominous as we climed the stairs to the reception, and saw 5 hippies sat around a table, strumming a guitar and playing bongos. Luckily, this was the extent of the hippy action while we were there.
We spent our short stay looking at really tall buildings and sorting out tickets for wherever we were going next. For me, this meant booking my flight to Bali and finally booking a flight to Australia (from Bali.) I get into Melbourne on October 29th.
Kuala Lumpur from the KL Tower
First on the sightseeing list was the KL Tower - which proudly bills itself as the fifth highest tower in the world at 400-odd metres tall. We got tickets to go up it to the observation deck, which gave amazing views of the city and of the Petronas Towers. From here we walked over the the Towers themselves (the second highest in the world at 450-odd metres tall) and took some photos.
Petronas Towers with a tree in front
Apart from that, all we did was spend some on the internet, get our last tastes of Malaysian food, and drink some ridiculously expensive European beer. I also took it upon myself to expand my German friends' English vocabulary. I've made sure that they're going to arrive in New Zealand and really blend in; using such pleasantries as "old chap", "I am inclined/disinclined to agree with you"; as well as such basics as what "cleavage" and "morning glory" are. I also taught Flo the "DO IT!" line from Starsky and Hutch, which he's adapted with aplomb into an enthusiastic "f**king DO IT", which he's said he can't wait to use in New Zealand. Boys, you're going to be a big hit.
Unfortunately they had to leave for Singapore the day before I left for Bali, which left me on my own again to wander around the city. In the evening I decided to treat myself and have some proper Western food; so I got a rib-eye steak from an Irish bar with a pint of Old Speckled Hen, before heading off to the Hard Rock Cafe for a Fudge Brownie Sundae. It was whilst munching my way through this that a lonely old expat came up to me and asked me if I wanted to join him, as we were the only 2 people on our own. Innocently I went over to his table, but just in case he had any ideas, I quickly mentioned that I had a girlfriend.
It turned out that he just wanted an English person to talk to - he'd lived in Kuala Lumpur for 6 years, was the director of some company over there, and apparently recognised something of himself in me. So I had to sit there for just over an hour as he imparted advice on me, and picked my brain on certain issues. As I was getting ready to leave, he gave me one final anecdote, which compared me to Bambi and him to an old stag. Slightly disturbed and confused, I went on my way.
written by  olliejohnson on October 6, 2006 from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

The Lava Hunter
Yogyakarta, Indonesia
I spent a couple of days relaxing in Bali before making my next move. With another couple of weeks to go before my flight to Melbourne, I'd decided to head into Java - I booked a flight to Yogyakarta, and planned to get the bus all the way back to Bali.
Yogyakarta is a medium-sized city in the middle of Java, and, as much as the visit to the city itself interested me, I was mainly there for the sights out on the city's outskirts. I spent a couple of days wondering around Yogya, (which everyone seems to call it), which turned out to be enough for me. It is one of the few cities I've visited where you can still get a real sense of what the place was like before Westernisation. The place is still headed by it's own Sultan, and his palace (the Kraton) is a major attraction in the centre of the city. Unfortunately, due it being Ramadam the opening hours were made very anti-social (certainly anti-Ollie), and it closed by midday. And lying in a comfy bed, a decision had to be made between sleep and culture. With 3 consecutive pre 5am starts on the horizon, sleep won out. I did get a photo of the front though.
Borobudur - (A giant buddhist monument constructed in the 9th Century AD)
The first of these early starts took me to a massive ancient buddhist monument called Borobudur. It was built in the 9th Century, and I can only assume it took a bloody long time. It's huge! It has 1,500 narrartive panels carved into the side, and there are 432 man-sized buddha statues sitting there chilling on it. The ones on the top have what look like big upturned laticed bells covering them. Very strange. The views from the top were amaxing though, and I got a good sighter of the place where I would be spending the wee small hours that night; Mount Merapi.
View from the top of Borobudur
Now, I have to admit that I don't have a clue what made me decide to go 'lava hunting' that night, because let's face it, I'm a born coward. Maybe it was just because the poster for it at the tour operators desk looked cool. Maybe because I thought 'lava-hunting' sounded like a manly thing to do. Maybe because I wanted one final excuse to wear my expolorer hat. Whatever it was, I have to admit that if I'd been fully informed about this volcano, there's no way I would have gone. This is what the Lonely Planet has to say: "Merapi is one of Indonesia's most dangerous volcanoes and it erupts with alarming regularity. In November 1994 an eruption killed 69 people; in January 2001, pyroclastic flows and thousands of earthquakes prompted the Volcanology Survey of Indonesia to raise the warning status on the mountain." I don't know what the hell pyroclastic flows are, but I don't reckon they're a good thing.
Mount Merapi from Borobudur
I was the only tourist on this particular trip. It was just me, the middle-aged guy who I booked the tour from (who proudly told me in one conversation that he married his wife when he was 27 and she was 17 - followed by lots of manly laughter and back-slapping. Come to think of it, he did keep on touching my arm all the way on the climb. Hmm.), and his son, who acted as driver. On the way to our viewpoint, we picked up a load of local kids on mopeds who were intrigued by the white guy in the 4x4, and decided to join us for the show. I felt we were going a little 'off-piste' when we started driving around road barracades. We stopped near our destination for some hot ginger tea, and my new fans got an opportunity to chat to me about England and asked if I'd heard of Beckham.
The only tree that survived the eruption
At about midnight we made our final small journey to the viewpoint. The car pulled over, and as I jumped out a cloud of dusty ash enveloped me. It felt like I'd stepped into the Blair Witch Project. Except without the witch and the trees and that. So just lots of darkness really. It was pitch black above, and pitch black underfoot - my torch was only able to shed a small amount of light in the darkness. The only other light given off was from the stars, as the moon was nowhere to be seen. I felt a hand grab my arm, and my guide began marching me uphill, with the fanclub in tow, attempting to avoid the boulders of varying size that dotted what landscape I could make out. We soon reached a small plateau, but when I turned around, there was no-one behind us anymore. I asked my friend what had happened to them. He considered his reply for a second before rapidly patting his heart with his hand. I'd played this game before. "Ok....their hearts are beating faster?...", I looked around for inspiration. Ok, lifeless landscape, massive volcano, and...is that a rumble?
"They're scared?"
"YES!", came the instant reply. Jackpot! The brief moment of celebration at having breached the language barrier was then replaced by no small amount of concern. This was then added to somewhat when my guide shone the torch over to one side. This illuminated a small ditch with a few planks of wood covering the entrance. A closer look revealed a battered-looking door a few feet behind the planks.
"Yesterday," my guide said, motioning grandly at the surroundings. "Eruption, yesterday."
"What! This erupted yesterday?!" I squealed, and was already thinking about how much trouble I'd be in with my mum and my girlfriend for having died whilst visiting an active volcano.
"Yes," he nodded solemnly, "yesterday."
Jesus, Yogya wasn't that far away, but I hadn't heard a thing. Evidently sensing my increasing panic, my guide sought to clarify himself.
"Yesterday.....Juni."
"June?"
"Yes. Juni. 3/4 Months."
"bloody hell mate. Juni is not yesterday. Yesterday is....yesterday," I said gesturing behind me. That should clear it up for him. Still, June was recent enough, and I later found out that 2 people had died in the bunker that he'd pointed out. It'd got buried beneath hot ash and the temperature inside had reached 900 degrees. The whole area where we were (4 km from the crater) had effectively been fairly heavily shat on by Merapi.
A big gazeebo-type thing that was half buried in the June eruption.
I took my place on a 3 month old boulder to watch the mountain for signs of lava. After about 10 minutes my guide shouted excitedley and pointed towards a red hot clump of boulders working their way down the mountain. It did look pretty amazing. And you could hear it too. An intermittant low crackling sound. It was a really unique experience - unbelievably relaxing being so isolated near the top of a mountain in the middle of the night with the most clear sky imaginable, but slightly terrifying too, what with the big pissed-off volcano spitting out red hot boulders in all directions. After 1/2 hour or so watching this, we made our way down, and began the drive back to Yogya.
written by  olliejohnson on October 9, 2006 from Yogyakarta, Indonesia

Mount Bromo
Probolinggo, Indonesia
View of Mount Bromo from the edge of the large crater
The next morning I climbed into another minivan for the first leg of my trip through Java back to Bali. The other passengers were a French couple, a French Canadian, and a short fat hairy middle-aged Frenchman, who did actually smell, and wore incredibly short shorts. Of course, I ended up stuck in the back of the minivan with fatty. The air-con was broken too. On top of this, the floor in front of me was so hot from the engine underneath, that if I tried to take my flipflops off I got scorched. So, we cooked. And I would describe the smell given off by Frenchman, as something akin to when someone stuck a tuna sandwich in the heater in the English demountable at school, after a few weeks in situ.
The bus stopped after a couple of hours, and without a word, we pulled up over a mechanics' pit, and a couple of guys got out a blowtorch and some spanners and got to work. 1/2 hour later, we were back on our way, and eventually got to our hotel in the pitch black and freezing cold (due to the altitude) at around 9:30.
We were visiting Mount Bromo; another active volcano. Only this one was a lot more picturesque, and a lot less volatile - Bromo is quite happy just sitting there smoking away and looking good. So this means that you can climb all the way to the Crater's edge and have a peek down.
Close up of Bromo itself
Bromo is actually only one of 3 side by side volcanoes, which are all located inside the Crater of an old super-volcano. It was from this super-volcano's edge that we were to get our first peek and photo-opportunity of Bromo at dawn the next morning. And it really was a spectacular sight, with a thin layer of mist covering the massive plain within the Crater, only punctured by the 3 peaks in the centre. As the sun grew stronger and the mist began to recede, you could just make out the temple at the foot of Bromo, and it was towards this that our jeep headed next.
View back down from Bromo's crater towards the temple
It took about 5 minutes to travel across the plain in the jeep, just from the edge to the centre. It was a surreal landscape to travel through - completely flat and desolate from Crater edge to volcano. No trees, no features, just dusty grey sand underfoot.
A look down into Bromo's crater
We got out by the temple, managed to avoid all the locals trying to get us to use horses for the walk, and made our way to the Crater's edge. Looking in, it was a sharp drop down into the centre, but it wasn't that deep. There was a crack right at the bottom, perhaps only a few metres wide, though which the clouds of smoke were pouring. The sulphur in the air here was pretty strong, and after a while walking around the Crater you could really feel it getting in your nose and throat; so I only lasted about 15 minutes up there before heading back down.
We got back to our hotel on the larger Crater's edge in time for breakfast, and were on our way to Bali by 9. We were supposed to arrive in Denpasar in Bali at 7pm. We finally pulled up at the bus station around midnight.
written by  olliejohnson on October 12, 2006 from Probolinggo, Indonesia

End of the road
Kuta, Indonesia
I decided that I'd take a few days off from doing anything when I got to Kuta (the tourist/backpacker haven in the south of Bali), and spent the time sleeping, eating and going to the beach. I had 2 weeks in which to accomplish more, and had great plans to travel the Island, and maybe even brave the 11 hour trip to the Gilli Islands just off Lombok. However, I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't even left Kuta these past 2 weeks. I simply couldn't be arsed (plus the fact that I was so pissed off by the constant harrassment from taxi-drivers and moped people offering transport, that I decided I'd start a one-man stand against them). I've been caught in a coma enduced by excess sleep, cheap food, cheap beer and baking hot weather.
The sun sets on Kuta Beach
So, accomplishments during the last 14 days:
-I've kept a pretty regular sleeping pattern
-This has been composed of the main sleep at night, and early afternoon kip (usually just after lunch) and an early evening kip (between 6-8pm)
-I've managed to become a regular at a sports bar. When I arrive, all I need to do is pull up my stool, and a cool Bintang will already be waiting for me
-I've found a quiet restaurant down a back-alley that puts on Family Guy every time I come in
-I've worked on my tan
So, other news from Bali...
Over the past few days Kuta has been invaded by Japan. Luckily for me and my natural aversion to hard work, the invaders are tourists, and as far as I know, have no desire to annex Bali in a violent coup, round up all the residents and foreigners and begin a brutal regime. But that's only as far as I know...
A game of football on the beach
Anyway, the snap-happy little chaps have given the town a little more life, as it's been remarkably quiet until now. Speaking to people that have been visiting Bali for years, I've found that it's been as quiet as this pretty much ever since the first bombing. The second one last year really was a hammer blow. The backpacker party scene has now moved to Thailand.
Symbolism. A final sunset
Well, apologies for the lack of variety in photos. As I mentioned above, I haven't actually seen anything interesting, so I just took a stroll down to the beach for sunset last night and snapped away.
I'm off to Melbourne in about 10 hours to begin my mission to make 'birthday friends'. The big day itself is next Thursday, and as of now, I have 0 people to celebrate it with.
So, that's it. End of the road. No sooner do I make it as the posterboy of Blogabond, then my reign at the top is cruelly cut short. Just like James Dean, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. Except that I won't actually be dead of course. Having said all that, I'll probably write one more blog in a week or 2 from Melbourne. Just to let everyone know how I'm settling in.
written by  olliejohnson on October 28, 2006 from Kuta, Indonesia

Getting settled in Melbourne
Melbourne, Australia
The Yarra - which runs through the centre of Melbourne
I’ve been here in Melbourne just about a month now, so I thought it was about time that I wrote something about what I’ve been up to. The only problem is the complete lack of photos to add to this entry - I keep on forgetting to take my camera out with me when I do go out, and I’ve been too busy/lazy to go on a photo-taking tour of the landmarks. So, sorry about that.
I arrived in Melbourne from Bali in shorts, t-shirt and flip-flops in the mistaken belief that it would be warm in Australia approaching summer. Turned out that it wasn’t. For about the first 2-3 weeks it was actually bloody cold. And to my utter dismay the fates conspired to continue the trend of it always raining on my birthday.
Cathedral with skyscrapers
I spent the first week in the ‘Ritz for backpackers’ hostel, which was ok - the main benefit was that the bar underneath the hostel was the one that hosted the weekly ‘Neighbours Night’ (where you get to meet 3 stars of the show.) It was on my first visit to this, that I met a couple of guys who would be my companions for the next couple of weeks - Rhys and Filipo (the later an Italian with a hilarious Essex accent). Law graduates from Oxford, they were spending a few months travelling before they started their first jobs. This information gave me great hope for the quiz that takes place at Neighbours Night (which we think had a first prize of $200). We came second. Gutted. A few pints of beer and snakebite later and I was in real trouble. Luckily, the stars (Skye, Dillon and Ned) had disappeared by this point, so I was in no risk of making a t**t out of myself in front of anyone famous. Which is surely the main concern on any night out.
The Melbourne skyline by the Yarra
A week later, I had no desire to go again, but the boys assured me it would pay for itself - we would obviously win the quiz this time. We’d go there early, get good seats - not miss a trick. I was encouraged when Rhys randomly bumped into a couple of girls from their course. More Oxbridge intelligence, and being girls, they’d be able to answer questions on Netball and stuff too. I was happy with a team of 5 - $40 each. Then the problems began. The girls each had a drunken bloke in tow, and they had a couple of friends too. 9. $21 each. Then 2 more randoms. And the drunk blokes were on their mobiles, making it bloody obvious to all and sundry that we were cheating. We clearly got busted - we only got a few questions wrong, yet didn’t even figure in the top 5. However, meeting Stefan Dennis cheered me up. Especially when he made an absolute fool of himself asking the audience to sing the chorus of his one ‘hit’ with him to an uncomfortable silence, with the odd interjection of a drunken shout. The others on show were Elle and Stingray.
As I mentioned before, I celebrated my 24th birthday soon after my arrival. I went out in the evening with Rhys and Filipo and managed to score a free meal - a descendant of distant family of Filipo’s lived in the area, and wanted to meet him, so we went out for an Italian meal. This guy had a son who was a promoter of the biggest student nights in the city, so we were taken to one of these and were given free beer for the first couple of hours. Sweet!
I sorted out some proper accommodation in my first week here - I’ve got a room in a house-share. Which seems to be pretty much a bedsit. I get my own room, fully furnished, with all bills included, and have to share a bathroom and kitchen. Only problem is the lack of a lounge. But considering some of my housemates, this is probably a blessing in disguise. There’s 15 of us in the house - with 4 couples sharing rooms. There’s 2 hippy couples, who’ve headed off this weekend to some hippy festival, a big gay Cook Islander (who’s as camp as Christmas) and a hideous pair of middle-aged lesbians (one of whom I actually thought was a bit mental when I first met her, but then I found out it was that she was batting for the other team. Which explained a lot. And I genuinely think she’s an alcoholic too.) The one bright light in all of this is an American girl who works in a pastry shop. Every night that she works, she brings us back a dozen or so pies and pasties. Obviously I make sure I get my fair share, having to compete with the fat Cook Islander and a massive Kiwi bloke who usually snares at least 3.
Federation Square - a collection of strangely shaped buildings in the city centre make up this weird little area
The room is ok once you get used to it - the only problems being the sink which backs up a lot, leaving bits of food floating in it and a strange smell, and the discovery today of a mouse (whom I’ve named Bruce). I’d heard some scrabblings before, but I’d assumed it was from outside. Turns out not. Also, the kitchen isn’t blessed with amazing utensils. There’s now only one bowl to go around the whole house. There was one knife, but that has now disappeared too. I’m having to butter my toast at the moment with the back of a spoon (which actually works pretty well.)
Statue of The Don, outside the MCG
I’d been looking for work for almost a week, money was getting a little tight, when I landed a job doing pretty much the last thing that I’d ever willingly choose to do. Door to door sales. It wasn’t such an intimidating prospect - just trying to get people to change electricity companies. In the 2 days of training, we were told the opportunities would be endless and the money would be awesome. $25 a sale, and we’d be making anything from 6 - 8 sales a day (working a 6 day week). The only thing that would hold us back would be ourselves etc etc. Well, the top-selling rep, an Irish guy with the gift of the gab who’s been doing the job for a year manages 8 sales on a good day, 4 on a bad day. The other reps that have been there for 6 months manage 5 sales. This is all before tax of course. So the money wasn’t actually that good unless you were really experienced and a really good, enthusiastic salesman. Enthusiasm, if you know me well, is something I struggle to bring to the surface much. I think any charm that I have is….well, more of a slow-burner. Personally, I’m quite suspicious of enthusiastic people. Why the hell are they so pumped? Why are they always so happy?? They must be hiding something. Or slightly mental. I just wish I had a tranquiliser gun so I could calm them down when they were around me. So, you can imagine my delight in being trapped in the back of a small car for ½ hour every morning and evening, with the most hyper 17 year-old you can possibly imagine. And this was from first thing in the morning to late in the evening, after a long day of work. After a while of listening to her jabbering on about her life story, we all grew to just sit there and tune her out. Her response to this was to actually sit there and talk to herself. And not just a monologue, but a dialogue. She would ask and answer her own questions. Crazy, crazy girl.
St Kilda beach
I found the job actually not that bad, though I found it difficult to really push people into making the decision to change and sign the contract there and then, which was the only option we were allowed to give them. If we made less than 2 sales a day, we were given a ‘safety cushion’ of the equivalent of 2 sales anyway - $50. Which, after paying for my accommodation, transport and food left me with FA for a day of walking around and taking abuse. So, after almost a week of this, I decided enough was enough, hit the job agencies hard, and have now got an hourly wage ($19.50) working at a call centre. This might sound as bad as door to door, but it isn’t sales, only information from a company the customer is already with. So it should be ok, and it’ll be nice to finally get some money.
Not sure what this is a statue of. But there's a nice palm tree next to it
Melbourne itself is a really cool place. I’m living in St Kilda which is just outside the CBD, and there are lots of really nice bars and shops nearby. Only, I don’t have any money to spend in them. The weather here has definitely improved over this last week, hitting the mid 30’s at one point, and my weird housemates are trying to fire up the BBQ in the yard at any opportunity at the moment. I’m just missing the shrimp at the moment. But as soon as one does cross my path, you can be assured that I’ll throw it straight on the Barbie.
written by  olliejohnson on November 25, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

Rude wombats and leaving Aus for Christmas
Melbourne, Australia
The big Christmas tree in the centre of Melbourne
Two months ago I was sat in an internet café in Bali, whiling away some time looking at flight deals on the web. I came across one from Sydney to New York over Christmas at a pretty good price. Not thinking much more of this than perhaps to give it a surprised ’huh!’, I mentioned it briefly later when I spoke to Angela (my girlfriend), and joked that I could come over to see her for Christmas. It was brought up when we spoke again, and became less ‘wouldn’t it be good if…’, and more ‘should we do it?’. As is the way with these things, the day I went online to book it, the deal had gone. Luckily we both have amazing parents who wouldn’t want to see their lovely children unhappy, so with lots of help from Mr and Mrs Nyhout and Johnson, I’m heading off to Canada on Tuesday - to return to Sydney mid January. So I get to have a proper white Christmas instead of one on the beach with a BBQ (and of course I get to spend it with someone special!) I can’t say I’m too disappointed missing out on the sunny Christmas - like all the other British people I’ve met recently, I have to say that I don’t feel remotely Christmassy yet. The adverts are on, people are talking about it; but I’m just not feeling it.
All the nativity stars together for the final scene
I’ve finally made it out and about with my camera - so I’ve got a few photos of Melbourne at Christmas. My favourite thing is the window display at the department store, Myer. Apparently it’s traditionally a big deal, but I’m not sure if it usually contains the sort of thing that it has this year - a nativity play, but with Aussie animals (though spiders, snakes and crocs are noticeably absent). The story centres around ‘Wombat’, and his attempt to find a role in the nativity play - Possum has already shotgunned the role of Mary, with the Kangaroos taking the 3 Kings, and the Koalas the Shepherds. Clearly the casting director must have been high on the job, as it is only in the penultimate scene that Possum points out that no-one has taken the role of Jesus yet. So, wandering past this scene, you are given the fairly bizarre sight of clothed animatronic marsupials, re-enacting the birth of Christ.
Flinders Street Station - the historic train station in the centre
Last time I wrote, I’d packed in the door-to-door job, and was just about to start work at a call centre (another job that only financial desperation would force me into.) It actually wasn’t all that bad - and I got a good few weeks work out of it. It was at a company that gave information to shareholders in various companies - I saw myself as a bit of a Charlie Sheen - in Wall Street type character. But without the sharp suit and mountains of cash.
Wombat attempting to be the Archangel Gabriel. Unfortunately, he was too heavy...
In the past couple of weeks I’ve seen the first familiar faces for a few months - Nina and Andy. Had a really nice week catching up and getting fed the much-hyped Tanner risotto. And today, another meeting of note - finally caught up with Murph Jr, Tay, Colly and Erin for lunch, and a chat about their travels. It was great to catch up girls, and I hope the rest of your travels are as much fun as they’ve been up to now. I was delighted to see Murph Jr waking Murph Sr up in the middle of the night to speak to me on the phone - though, ideally, this would have been done on a week night. Murph Jr also informed me that the Wombat nativity play has been slightly controversial in Melbourne, as apparently it’s a bit too sexual - the animatronic animals look, to certain strange observers, as though they’re humping each other. Hmmm.
Oh yeah - the Ashes. Can’t say I’ve been enjoying it that much so far. The only thing that brought a smile to my face - apart from KP’s superhuman exploits, was when Warne was picked up on the stump microphone calling Bell ‘the Shermanator’ (as in American Pie).
So, I need to get off to start packing for my next international travels. I set off from the hostel on Tuesday at about 7:30am, and I’ll finally be with Angela 2 ½ days later when she picks me up from Buffalo train station. So, I’ll hopefully be writing my next entry from Canada. I’d like to take this opportunity to wish all my family and friends a very happy Christmas!
written by  olliejohnson on December 17, 2006 from Melbourne, Australia

A bloody long journey
New York, United States
The Stock Exchange gets into the patriotic Christmas spirit
Having taken my own sweet time to get to Australia from home, the journey from Melbourne to New York was something of an eye-opener. After the short flight from Melbourne to Sydney came the 13 hour behemoth to L.A. The 4 movies shown during this time still left 5 hours to fill with many failed attempts at sleep. Arriving in L.A. a little disorientated, I was knocked sideways by the full-on Christmas cheer at the airport. Strangely, it reminded me of Die Hard 2 (Die Harder). Without being led by the hand to the gate where I was supposed to take my transfer flight to New York, I soon found myself walking out of the airport, where I was accosted by a tramp. Does anyone else understand why tramps always manage to find themselves Santa hats at Christmas? Anyway, this tramp wanted to help me out. Too confused to fob him off, I had to accept any help I could get. Even if it was from someone too drunk not only to walk straight, but to form coherant sentences, and who smelled like he'd been rolling around in raw sewage. Sadly, even in this state, this man was more reliable than my own sense of direction. After pointing me in the right direction, he, of course, expected payment. Unfortunately for my Christmassy friend, I had no dollars on me. He assured me that he would be happy to accept any currency I had on me. Judging by his reaction to my stuffing several notes into his palm, I can only assume he's not aware of the current Laos Kip - $ U.S. conversion rate.
The Empire State Building
I caught the flight to New York without any trouble, and got to my hostel in Manhattan by the late evening. Woke up fairly early the next morning, and with the train to Buffalo not leaving till the mid-afternoon, I had a few hours to take some photos of the better-looking landmarks. After 8 hours on the train heading up alongside the Hudson, I got to Buffalo, and finally met up with Angela, and met Mr Nyhout (Angela's Dad). I was smuggled over the border (well, the guy assumed we were all Canadians and didn't check our passports), and we arrived in London, Ontario at about 1am.
written by  olliejohnson on December 19, 2006 from New York, United States

The other London
London, Canada
Me and Montreal from Mont Royale
In South-western Ontario, nestled halfway between Toronto and Detroit, and in one of the most southerly points in all of Canada, lies a little city called London. Only it's not all that little - it's home to roughly 350,000 (proudly laying claim to being Canada's 11th largest city), and one of the biggest and best uni's in Canada. But, like (I expect) most people on the other side of the Atlantic, I'd never heard of it until a year ago. So, some more London facts: it wasn't founded until 1823; has the most thunder and lightning storms of any area in Canada; the 'London Ribfest' is the second largest rib festival in North America; and last but certainly not least, claims 2 Miss Universes in the last 25 years! Oh, and a famous son, Ryan Gosling, is up for Best Actor at this years Oscars.
Me and Joey the kitten
I arrived here a few days before Christmas to a very warm welcome in a very festive house. I could not have been happier. After the lack of Christmas build-up in Australia, it made a real change arriving somewhere with not only a decent amount of decoration, but also the appropriate weather for the time of year. And arriving in the house a couple of days after me was Val's (Angela's little sister) 'secret' Christmas present to the family - an 8 week old kitten. Naming it that night, Val had to be dissuaded from naming it after a helper at her school and local Ice Hockey Star, Jordan Forman. Not just calling it Jordan, but the full 'Jordan Forman'. After Val turned down several alternate suggestions point-blank, she came up with the inspired choice of "Joey from friends", which was shortened to "Joey".
Bastien the New Year Turkey - dressed to kill.
The only problem was the lack of (promised) snow. But, even though I missed out on a white Christmas, I still ended up having an infinitely better one than I had anticipated when I left home last August. I had a proper traditional Christmas week - meeting lots of (Angela's) relatives and friends, opening lots of presents, doing the last minute Christmas shopping, and even having a chat with Him upstairs for the first time in years, with a Christmas Eve visit to church. And I even got a shout out from the vicar at the start of the service.
After seeing in the New Year in London, me and Angela headed up to Montreal to spend a few days observing the French, and chasing the snow. However, Montreal was in the midst of one of the warmest winter spells in ages, with temperatures up to a relatively mild 11 Degrees C. It took a hike up Mont Royale to discover my first Canadian snow - though it was old, iced-up snow that looked as though it could do with a bit of a clean, it satisfied my snow-lust at least temporarily.
Me revelling in my first sighting of snow in Canada
On top of Mont Royale, which overlooks the city, in between the patches of dirty snow, was an outdoor ice-rink. Having ticked 'seeing snow' off of my Canadian to-do list, I decided it was time for another challenge. So, strapping on the skates, I swallowed my pride and set out on to the ice, knowing that there were few places on earth that I would be shown to be an outsider quite so easily and made to look such an idiot so effortlessly. Happily, with my human stabiliser in hand, I only actually fell over once. And with the appearance on the ice of toddlers that could barely walk, having to push midget-sized zimmer frames in front of them to prevent them from falling over, I at least was able to get the better of someone on the ice. Though that still left everyone capable of forming a sentence to fly past me. And some that weren't.
Angela in a snow storm
Returning to London, my due date to fly back to Aus was rapidly approaching, and never one to be aware of outstaying my welcome, I jumped on Angela's suggestion that I try to rebook my flight - delaying it by another couple of weeks. This would also give me the chance to experience a proper snowfall - and for the last week or so we've had some on pretty much every day. I hadn’t really realised before that there were different types of snow. As far as I was aware, there was snow , and ice, and if you really wanted to break it down even further, there was snow that ‘stuck’ or ‘settled’, and snow that just melted. Judging this later category was an inexact science though, and was usually done in the past tense ie. “looks like that was settling snow”, or “turns out it wasn’t settling snow”. Well, apparently that list isn’t exhaustive - I’ve discovered ‘packing’ and ‘powdery’ snow. Eager to get outside and build a snowman, I’ve had the news broken to me that the snow outside is powdery snow. Apparently, the sort of snow I need is packing snow. If I’m going to do it properly, it seems my snowman is going to have to wait awhile.
written by  olliejohnson on December 20, 2006 from London, Canada

Crazy Old women
Niagara Falls, Canada
The Canadian (better) Falls
Last weekend, Angela and I headed off to Niagara Falls, which is only a 2 hour drive away from here. I thought it would be nice to see the Falls in Winter, which it was, but it was also bitterly cold, and snowing heavily. Luckily our hotel was just a street up from the Falls themselves, and right next to the Rainbow Bridge (which takes you over the river into America), so our time outside was fairly short, though we still got to walk up to the Canadian Falls, and over the bridge for a few minutes in the USA. The main highlight of our trip however, was not one of the wonders of the natural world. It was, in fact, an old lady in a casino.
Angela and the American Falls
After we’d managed to gamble away the tiny amount that we’d decided we could afford, we grabbed dinner in a restaurant inside the casino itself. As we came out, there was a live band playing covers of loads of old songs. We stopped to watch them for a short while, and only after we’d been there for a couple of minutes did I notice a tiny hunched bundle of clothes, swaying in time to the beat at the front of the stage. Only, on closer inspection, it turned out to be a little old lady (who looked as though she was at least in her late 80’s), perched on the front of the stage with her little legs dangling down in front of her. She was wrapped up unnecessarily snugly in the heat of the casino, refusing to do so much as ditch the headscarf. To complete the old Granny look, she had her knitting to one side of her. The only thing that made her stand out quite as much as she did, and that had led to a fairly sizable crowd to form in a semicircle around her, was the fact that she was playing along with the rest of the band. On her walking stick. That’s right, a little old lady, knitting to one side, was perched on the edge of the stage playing air guitar on her walking stick. And it wasn’t something that she’d decided to do just for a second or even a minute. She spent the next half an hour strumming along to the music, with jaw set and a steely glint of determination in her eye.
An icy tree and the American Falls
After the band took a 10 minute break, they returned with even cheesier songs, such as “Hey Mickey“, and “Like a Virgin”. The little old dear could no longer keep seated. She had to get up and dance (though still playing air guitar on the walking stick). And she wasn’t prepared to do this on her own. She started stalking the crowd of onlookers, turning like an oil tanker before setting course and approaching her pray with an uncomfortably slow sense of inevitability, and pulling her victims in to dance with her. It was while she was in the midst of this crowd interaction that I saw her slowly turn to where me and Angela were standing, and ease on the accelerator. Like in that scene in Austin Powers where the guard gets run over by a steam-roller, I saw this coming from a long way off, had plenty of time to act, and yet felt rooted to the spot. Snapping myself out of this trance, I tried to dart around the corner, only to feel Angela holding on to my arm, tugging me back. “She just wants to dance with you!” My eyes must have shown my blind terror at the thought of not only having to attempt to dance sober, but having to do so in front of a massive crowd of people with a crazy little old lady, who would just stand there playing the air guitar on her walking stick.
A frozen bush and the American Falls
With hindsight, perhaps I should have explained this at the time to Angela. It certainly wouldn’t have been hard to at least have given a slightly more eloquent response than the one my terrorised mind came up with: “F**k that!”. I yanked my arm back and ran to hide behind a slot machine. Yes, a large group of people had just seen me run away from a little old lady, but at least here, crouched behind a slot machine, I was safe. I gave it a couple of minutes before I slowly peeked around the corner. And there was Angela, with a couple of other girls, dancing with the old lady. Feeling slightly ashamed of myself, I crept my way towards her around the back of the crowd. She soon spotted me, and started edging her way away from the old lady. Luckily she didn’t seem remotely pissed-off at me for deserting her. “I just couldn’t run away from her and leave her like that.” I shook my head, and said, “Canadians,” as if that explained it all. We watched a few more victims get sucked into join her ladyship, and then made our way back to the hotel.
written by  olliejohnson on January 20, 2007 from Niagara Falls, Canada

Around the world in 180 days
Cockshutt, United Kingdom
The first proper snowman of my trip
Due to staying in Canada and missing my flight back to Sydney, I suddenly found myself without any travel plans. Flights between Canada and Australia are bloody expensive round trip, but one way are even more so. Another consideration was that I needed to return to England at some point before next September in order to get my working holiday visa for Canada. So, it seemed to make quite a bit of sense for me to do that now, and then head back to Aus. I found a cheap flight from Toronto to London (check airtransat out for good deals to/from Canada) and arrived back in the middle of last week. Having escaped temperatures of -15 C (-28 C with wind chill) in Toronto, I brought the cold weather back with me, and a big snowfall arrived during my first night back in the country. This finally gave me the opportunity that had been cruelly denied me for the entire time that I'd been in Canada; to build a proper snowman. I was staying with my brother at the time, and we headed out first thing with his dogs to take advantage of the snow before it melted. As I began rolling up the first ball, I was delighted to find that I was using the only type of snow I'd ever known until my recent excursion in North America: good old British packing snow. Unfortunately, coal was in short supply, and searching our pockets for suitable replacements, we had to rely on dog treats for the snowman's features; but a fine figure was created none the less.
Back in the Cock
That weekend, I finally saw Mr and Mrs J again, about 8 months before they were expecting to see me. Clearly, both were delighted, if a little confused, and I'm now taking full advantage of the goodwill back home in Cockshutt. I'll be here for the next 6 weeks or so (which is about how long the visa process takes,) before heading back off to Australia.
So, after just over 6 months, I'm back where I began. The first part of my travels is over, which will, of course, mean the end of this particular blog. In a couple of months, if I've found anything interesting to write about, then I might just start a new one.
For now, the length of time I'll be here makes getting a job an unfortunate necessity. Working 9-5 back in the Shrews. Back to earth with a bang.
written by  olliejohnson on February 9, 2007 from Cockshutt, United Kingdom

One end of Red square

Wall of the Kremlin

Lenin's Mausoleum

Getting attacked by the hostel cat Rittigsk

Soldiers caught mid- goose step

The other end of Red square

Inside GUM

Me getting the better of the cat by shoving my fingers down it's throat.

A Billboard

A big building

A better view of the Kremlin wall by the river

The Church of Christ the Saviour

The Soviet family thingy

Church of Christ the Saviour closer up

A Russian chap

Some weird building in Siberia

Where the Chairman chills

Just off Tianamen Square - countdown to the Olympics

The view as you exit the Forbidden city

Inside the Forbidden City

Animals carved onto the roof of a palace

A temple in the gardens of the Forbidden City

Monument to Space missions, Moscow

On the Trans-Siberian

The side of the train

A big monument in a park in Moscow

Entrance to the park

My bunk on the train

Everything a growing boy needs

Getting food at a Station

Is that a beard I see?

A View of Siberia

The Gobi Desert

Upper Mongolia

Mao, on the entrance to the Heavenly City

Crazy Chinese!

A close-up view of a Yurt.

A chap on a horse

Soldiers and the Government building, Tianamen

The main square in the Forbidden City

Inside one of the palaces

Another Palace in the Forbidden City

A Lion-Dragon thing

The building with the big stone bit again

Looking down a Hutong

A scrum outside a palace entrance

The entrance gate to the Forbidden City

In the gardens of the Forbidden City

The Temple of Heaven Park

Another Beijing alleyway

On the bridge leading up to the temple of Heaven

The Temple of Heaven itself

Looking for food

The Great Wall

Mmm! Deep fried Seahorse.

Gate to the Forbidden City at night.

Food on sticks.

Me on the Great Wall

Scorpions, Cockroaches etc..

Starfish and Baby Sharks.

The universally-loved Mao

Zip-slide to the bottom, from the Great Wall

The Great Wall - near the end of our trek

A panda in reflective mood.

Chengdu

A panda in a tyre

Baby pandas in an incubator

A mantra for life surely?

The Giant Buddha from across the river

A panda doing what pandas do best.

On the way up Mount Emei

The Giant Buddha

Temple on Mount Emei

Sound safety advice, Mount Emei

More panda action

A Red Panda - asleep

A tree, in mist, on Mount Emei

The Golden Summit (and mist)

A temple in fog near the top of Mount Emei

A monkey on Mount Emei

Inside a temple

A monkey on Mount Emei, after seeing something it didn't like

The staircase on Mount Emei

The Chinese Samaritans fail to translate convincingly.

This is what the Statue on the Golden Summit should look like

View from back of Moon Hill

My sunburn. It hurt.

Chap setting out his shop

The 'Meat' breed of dog

Mini Golden Gate Bridge

Guilin

Old Person on a bamboo raft on the Li River

A house and a mountain and a tree and water and rocks

Getting ready for bamboo rafting

Our driver

Me punting and getting sunburnt

View through the 'moon' in Moon Hill

Moon Hill

View from one end of West Street

4 blokes trying to work out how to fix the power-cut

A temple

Monks getting ready for a chanting session. Note chap at front on his mobile. Very un zen-like.

An actual dragon outside a temple

Monks having a chant

Kids outside Monk-school playing basketball

On my way into the jungle

Our hut for the night

View from our hut

Drinking moonshine with our guides

Mr Whiskey plus support act

Getting covered in soot during Mr Whiskey's drinking game

We stopped off here for a swim

Me, Oleg and Come in happier times

Gate on the outskirts of the Old City

This moat surrounds the Old City

The view of Chiang Mai from Doi Suthep

A statue at Wat Pharathat Doi Suthep

Another statue

The Golden Pagoda at the centre of Doi Suthep

A golden statue this time

The gate leading up to the temple at Doi Suthep

....and the stairs leading up to the gate

The gate as you leave Thailand to cross the Mekong into Laos

A statue of one of the former Kings of Laos

On the slow boat down the Mekong

Full moon over Laos, reflection in the Mekong

My wads of Laos cash

A stormy Mekong on the slow boat

Mist on mountains next to Mekong

Me being fearless on the slow boat

Temple by the old Royal Palace

The temple by the old Royal Palace again

Our boat to Luang Prabang

Phouset Hill as seen from the old Royal Palace

Pak Beng. That's pretty much all there is to the town.

View from the top of Phouset Hill

Mountain by the river, Vang Vieng

Gun at the top of Phouset Hill

Waterfall and swimming bit at Khoung Si

More waterfall at Khoung SI

The big waterfall at Khoung Si

A village near Khoung Si

A tiger

Tigers bite things apparently

Getting ready for the tubing

A pointless photo of water. I've no idea why i uploaded it.

Trying to get one more bar in before it got dark

Some mountains across the water. Took this photo just now....

The sun sets on our tubing. And we have no idea how much further there is to go

Buddhist stuff in the Elephant cave, near Vang Vieng

The rock in 'elephant cave' that's supposed to be the elephant

Rice fields and a mountain

Rope swing from a bar during the tubing

Going caving on rubber tubes

'Monument to Democracy'`

Temple across the water

Camp statue outside giant buddha temple

Giant reclining Buddha

Spires and that....

A little Bonsai tree

More spires. They're great aren't they??

Statue of a chap in a top-hat outside giant buddha temple

Koah San Road in Bangkok

A monkey dodging broken glass

A Monkey with its' baby

Beach at Phra Nang in Railay

more of Phrao Nang Beach

Longtail Boats

Not really sure which beach this was. But it looks nice.

West Beach as the day draws to an end

My 'chalet' in Railay

Sunset on West Beach

Longtail boats at sunset on West Beach

West Beach at sunset

Sunset on West Beach, Railay

Phi Phi harbour

Memorial plaques and photos by the beach, Phi Phi

Looking back from the beach, tsunami warning sign, Phi Phi

Beautiful water by Bamboo Island, just off Phi Phi

Phi Phi Ley from distance

It may not look it, but this caterpillar was massive

Viking Cave. Some fishermen actually live in there.

Phi Phi Ley. On the way to Maya Bay.

Maya Bay. At low tide.

Maya Bay

Phi Phi Island. 2 Bays and the town in the middle.

Long Beach on Perhentian Kecil

My dive school! Unlimited free coffee / tea and biscuits. Sweet.

Richard Keys and Brian Clough.

A small Monitor LIzzard

Sunrise over Big Island

A pygmi Squirrel?

A frog with a funny look in his eye

View from my chalet in Perhentian Kecil

My 'chalet' on Perhentian Kecil

My fellow learners and me

Long beach on Perhentian Kecil

A beach on Big Island

On the Jungle Railway down to Jerantut

The damage caused by a locked out Ollie

The jungle, from the train

Water Buffalo in the jungle

On the boat into the jungle

Flo on the canopy walk

On a jungle trek

A misty viewpoint in the jungle

Flo posing in the Pink Palace

Look at the size of this bamboo!

A big tree!

More jungle views

The jungle Canopy

The pitch black of the bat cave

Bats in the bat cave

Bats hanging in the bat cave

Close up of the bats

Me and my 'lovely bear and friends' bedsheets

Heading into the jungle

Me in front of a massive tree

Entrance to the bat cave

View of the Petronas Towers from the KL Tower

If you look somewhere in the middle you can see a window cleaner

A native's hut in the jungle

Petronas Towers with a tree in front

Looking up at the Petronas Towers

Petronas Towers with trees in front

Merdeka Square

KL Tower

Kuala Lumpur from the KL Tower

Marcus on the Sheisha

Me and the apple sheisha

Flo enjoying the Sheisha

The Kuton (old Sultan's palace) in Yogyakarta

View from the top of Borobudur

Steps leading up to Borobudur

View of Mount Bromo from the edge of the large crater

Close up of Bromo itself

Temple at the base of Bromo

Mount Merapi from Borobudur

A buddha without his casing, and top of Borobudur

Borobudur - (A giant buddhist monument constructed in the 9th Century AD)

One of the several hundred scenes from Buddhist tales carved into Borobudur

A horse chilling out at the bottom of Bromo

Errrm. It's just a statue. I think I uploaded this one by mistake.

A tree with lots of stuff hanging off it.

A big gazeebo-type thing that was half buried in the June eruption.

The remains of the buried bunker at Merapi

The only tree that survived the eruption

View of Mount Bromo on the walk up to the crater.

View back down from Bromo's crater towards the temple

A look down into Bromo's crater

Looking from the Bromo's crater back out across the plain

The extinct volcano next to Bromo

A look along the crater's edge

Sunset plus waves on Kuta Beach

The sun sets on Kuta Beach

Symbolism. A final sunset

A game of football on the beach

The big Christmas tree in the centre of Melbourne

Wombat attempting to be the Archangel Gabriel. Unfortunately, he was too heavy...

More marsupial fun.

All the nativity stars together for the final scene

The Melbourne skyline by the Yarra

Bourke Street - the most Christmassy street in Melbourne. Which speaks volumes I think.

The Melbourne skyline

The Yarra - which runs through the centre of Melbourne

The Yarra, with th MCG in the distance

St Kilda beach, with Melbourne in the distance

Queen Victoria Market - awesome, cheap food and stuff, just to the north of the city centre.

Federation Square - a collection of strangely shaped buildings in the city centre make up this weird little area

Flinders Street Station - the historic train station in the centre

Statue of The Don, outside the MCG

The glorious MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground) - holds around 100,000

St Kilda beach

Not sure what this is a statue of. But there's a nice palm tree next to it

Melbourne from the sports arenas - MCG to the right, Rod Laver arena (where Aussie Open is held), and Vodafone Arena (where the Commonwealth Games were held) to the left

The Melbourne coat of arms. I took this photo due to my fascination with whatever it is that takes up the top left box. It looks strangely like a pig being airlifted somewhere...

A pillar listing all the countries that took part in the 1956 Olympics (which was held in Melbourne).

I call this one "Cathedral".

Cathedral with skyscrapers

The Yarra at night

The Christmas tree in Melbourne at night

An evening performance for Wombat

The dazzling Christmas lights on the main shopping street in Melbourne

The Stock Exchange gets into the patriotic Christmas spirit

Statue of Liberty. From a bit of a distance

Ellis Island

Central Park - disappointingly free of snow

The Empire State Building

A Moose

Brooklyn Bridge

Brooklyn Bridge with Manhattan in the background

Me and Angela in a carriage going around Montreal

Us with Alberto, our horse, stuffing his face

Christmas trees in Jacques Cartier Square

A festive restaurant

A nicely lit building

Me, dressed up like a Canadian, and a tree

Angela and tree

A French Santa's groto

View of Montreal from Mount Royal

Me and Montreal from Mont Royale

A cathedral in front of a spookily-lit skyscraper

Weird Christmas tree lights

Angela in front of downtown Montreal

Angela in front of the frozen lake - with the tubing slides in the distance

Me and Joey the kitten

Bastien the New Year Turkey - dressed to kill.

New Year's Eve - Me, Angela and Fergie

Joey striking a pose

Finally, definitive proof of the laziness of North Americans. Clearly, it was too much effort to have to pronounce the bi-syllabled 'Cluedo', so they gave up half way. Oh, and Rev Green over here is just 'Mr' Green...

New Year's Eve

Angela and the American Falls

Angela in a snow storm

Some random tower in front of the sun

View of both Falls from the Rainbow Bridge

Border point on the bridge

Awesome danger signs on the U.S. side

The Canadian (better) Falls

Angela and the Canadian Falls

An icy thing and the American Falls

An icy tree and the American Falls

A frozen bush

A frozen bush and the American Falls

The first proper snowman of my trip

Back in the Cock