My Life - napulelehuameae
Where I am...The many colors of Francine, Pulelehu'a,
the traveler, on travels to "home" within...

The Beginning
Eugene, United States
Ok, so here I am, I am reliving a lie. That is called my life, or what my life has become. A life of hate, of malice, of love and war. But what I am talking about? I am talking about my life. It seems as though I've come and gone, lost gained.
I want to be free. And now, there is a chance for that to become a reality, the way I envisioned in school. In summer. I can see it, I can feel it, I can taste. How am I going to get to it? What is going to have to transpire to get to it?
I need to retrieve all of my power, I need to retrieve all of my emotions and my feelins. and my soul. Divine Union.
But freedom comes first.
What does it mean to be free, in this physical? The definition of free is being able to make a decision and then live out the consequences of that decision as it plays out in physicality.
But what happens when the decision does NOT come to fruition and you are forced to live someone else decision and henceforth, live out in full extent with dreary agony, someone ELSEs consequences for that said physical outcome???
Who is to pay for the crime you didn't commit but was pressed upon you like a bug in a fly swatter???
Why YOU of course? And what THEN! You are forced to with the debilitating efforts of an effort that will cripple and debilitate you in repression, and you then feel as though you can never come out of it, or never again reexperience that same event and maybe be able to actually make the choice in physicality, that way YOU wanted it in first time!
SO now, through ascension, my boat is coming around again and I have the opportunity once again to rexperience everything from a more clearer perspective.
In a more deeper way, more so than I did before, as deep as I felt it.
Some things have changed, some things are different but I hope this time, with my intent to hold onto my dreams and hopes and wishes of true authentic freedom.
WHO WAS IT THAT SAID FREEDOM ISN'T LIVING LIKE A GYPSY!!!!
Well, if you are able to manifest places to sleep, enough to eat, always what you need when you need it, then you are.
If you are doing something that brings you joy, then you are doing it.
If you are being paid to play music so that becomes your source of income, then...
YOU ARE DOING IT!!!!!
I can hear the echoes of my parents in my ears now, but what have their voices been to me in my entire life!!!
Voices of repression, aggression, slavery and USERY!!!
I CAN NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!!
I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!!!
I WILL BE FREE!!!!!
I WILL BE FREE!!!!
OF THEM OF THE PAST OF THEIR WORDS OF THEIR LIVES OF THEIR LIES WAYS OF LIFE
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH I WILL NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER AND
II
WILL
BEE
PHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Watch me.
You said it couldn't be done..
You said it was impossible.
And you wanted to prove it to me.
You wanted me to fail at my lifes purpose.
I will not fail at retrieving my lifes purpose and most of all, you will no longer be given the opportunity to cloud my truth, and way of life.
written by  napulelehuameae on February 22, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life

So here it is
Eugene, United States
If I ever had a chance to not live my life the way I and my ancestry have lived for millions of ages, I would take it. I would take it in an instant but would it lead to back home again.
I have been wondering alot of things and seeing alot of things and asking alot of questions lately, but that doesn't seem to amuse many but myself.
I have a hard time understanding how it is a can repeat the same story over and over and over again and...it is not understoodd!!!! How could it not be understood by now???? It has only happened about a dozen times now. Hopefully with the new illuminations I will be able to.
What is this new path that will lead me to a new direction? And who is it that says I will benefit from it? What is to benefit? What is truth?
And how is it that you live it when you do not?
There comes a time in your life when you spend your time and day feeling things, and then you sense of feeling goes. Ha. And now you only want to get back to the way you felt when you felt.
And what are emotions? When you want the same thing over and over and over again or have you never really gotten it before? SO how do you differentiate?
I intend to come out of this with an understanding that my ancestors never had, I intend to retrieve my power, my life force, my love, my life and my everything so that what I envision in my life becomes true.
I intend to break from the cages that have been put upon me and the everything that has tried to cage me.
The time has come and if I do not live, if I lose more of myself because I try, once again, to achieve my goal of true freedom, I don't care. Because I will have my true freedom. And I will live it out forever until I go home.
Because if I do not try, once again, then I will have lost. My true purpose is to try at least and to try and continue trying so I will strive to keep doing it.
written by  napulelehuameae on February 23, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life

I have seen the light
Eugene, United States
I want clarity in my life, and I also desire at this time a deeper...
written by  napulelehuameae on February 23, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life

List Of Recent Actions
Thurs Jan 17 - Received Sherry Consultation that was supposed to be with Gina after waiting weeks ->lust issues
Tues Jan 22 - Told John I needed time off
Friday Jan 25 - Intensive Begins in Fairmount Canada
Mon Jan 28 - Email Mila and Oa about shit
Tues Jan 39 - Intensive Ends
Wednes Jan 30 - Told by Mila that I have supposed direct Athena lineage due to "work" with Sherry in reply email
Tues Feb 5 - Find job at Potters
Wed Feb 6 - Lost Job at Potters
Mon Feb 11 - Intensive begins in Austria
Fri Feb 15 - Intensive ends
Wednes Feb 20 - Called John for the 4th time Mario gets job same day

I've Been
I've been reading alot recently and I've been given confirmations all what I have been feeling for a long time.
I am also busy on understanding now not only the dynamics that lead up to my major false ascension in high school, but also and just as important, the dynamics that happened in my life afterwards because I have said many times that I felt more gothic afterwards than before!
The reason for the feeling was the reason why I continued on my path of Aaron. I can't believe he has a name anymore but it is a part of my creation.
There is a peice I am missing to the whole puzzle. I have been looking and looking but I can't seem to find it.
It is the peice of the puzzle that would somehow replace my truth within my soul and also meld all realities of my world together, something I have been intending for so long.
I can not afford to think to myself that the gypsy life is not my truth, it has been my truth I realize now.. I have looked into the pages of the past and I can see, they were never really free. We were never really free. Ever since we were created, we have never been free.
How can we be free with missing the freedom tone?
I realize the darkness is a part of me, it is a part of everything and everyone, it is a viable intricate part of expression and collaboration and interpersonalization. I am aware of it, and how it works, but not all of it.
I realize now the depth and breath of the human species and relattedness I haven't yet seen before. We are all human, from different creations. All with different goals, all lead by different things from within.
I also realize something that they tried to make me into something I am not, a slave, well, they have succeeded. To be honest really. But I also see now that I was born a slave. My ancestors have all lead the life of slavery and non slavery. But there is something in between.
I have seen to much darkness, I have seen too much. But, that is the intention I had for my life. I had intended to understand how people become serial killers, and I end up with one.
Ha, now I know, I understand much. The human condition, the human calamity here is unreal and unlike everything anywhere, but with all things, can be related to other things elsewhere.
I am trying to remember all that I once knew.
And this is the thing I am striving towards.
A life, free from the past and into a new future. If we are a creation of creators, then we too have the ability to create a new dream in which the world we envision for ourselves unfurls in no time.
I am intending the true Tao give me a vision of the future that would be in alignment with everything. I intend to receive the true vision for my lifes purpose.
I intend to retrieve the magic in my life I once had.
I intend to make all the right steps in the physical in order to make this reality a physical expression.

Hi
OK, so here I am again. I don't know where I stand. I take on so much stuff at this point all day long that is so hard to find my center, my balance.
Argh.
Oh well, I am still busy trying or least hopefully, retrieving more of my stuff from England. What stuff? Why did my stuff even GO there in the first place is really my question?
What the hell is up with England anyway???
I never had any connection with England and then all of a sudden it was inserted in there to my dream like that! I see these things and I say I want this I want this I want this I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this and it seems to collide with eachother.
Ok, I'll be honest. I am still missing keys. But thats fine. What I am really missing is the key to get those new keys, thats what I am missing. and I need it.....
Talk about not emboding ascension Sometimes it gets me sometimes whatever it'll come someday because it is still my intention

FOUND IT
Now I know where it is.
I need to dig deeper, and get darker. I will never be as dark as I was in high school. I need to get back there. Now I remember how.
I forgot about the person I gave my vision to.
Dick.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**
Where the fuck is my life going?????
Where is my youth???
Where is my everything!!!!!!!!!!
I am growing old!!!!!!!!!!
I was never supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHERE IS MY YOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS MY FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS MY MUTHAFOOKIN ANGER MOTHERFUCKERS!
Stop the SHIT ALREADY! I've HAD ENOUGH OF YOU AND YOUR GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THATS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA GO HOME! HOW CAN I GET A HOLD OF EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN THIS BE HOMECOMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How am I supposed to be at Peace!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS PEACE WHAT IS PEACE WHAT IS PEACE WHAT IS PEACE WHAT IS PEACE
THIS IS NOT PEACE THIS IS NOT PEACE THIS IS NOT PEACE
WHERE IS ALL MY POWER Where has my gentleness gone. Where has all my sooth faint lines gone. Now I am hard taught lose and nigh, light lose tight and high. I have lost stuff I didn't know I had. That I was lead to believe I didn't have. Now I am becoming a dead adult zombie like everybody around me.
Wonderful. All that I thought I had, I didn't??? All that I didn't have, I thought I did????
I believed so much about myself, my strength, my resilience, and push against the tides. Now I see my strength wither amoungst the failing tides. Everything I have wanted I have not felt.
Well, that is my realization for the day. The *things* I have wanted to receive, I have more or less. The things I have wanted to feel have not been so easy. Especially when my capacity to feel has been damaged as much as it has....
But maybe if I have hope. I still have hope, for this year and this summer...
written by  napulelehuameae on March 1, 2008 from Eugene, United States

Here
I also remember that my belief was that when I was younger, I was going to be the world into a more loving place. I see now I have succeded in some regards, if Micheal, the one who gave my a ride from LA to here, and John, if they are from the same lineage, it appears as though it is working. Ascension is taking hold but I do see how it goes so slow and I see other nonloving things going on still in the world but the times will come around for everyone eventually, which is my intention.
I see people around me begining to listen to their Native American ancestors where were key I see now because that was the root race that was used to create the slave. This races holds the key to unity and the slaves can easily maneuver themselves over to the unity side red way if the movement and chi and love is available to do so with grace and ease. They are the ones that do the most harm in the physical anyway...
I can also see how I thought I was going to change and inherently save Aaron because I had changed and intended to change. That didn't work out as planned and still hold guilt for the whole experience to this day. Not so with Ed, he had already done the amount of change he was capable of in this lifetime but I thought that things would be ALOT different with Aaron and this is also where my vision was switched with anothers....
written by  napulelehuameae on March 2, 2008 from Eugene, United States

Yes, I find out
Well, where am I, where am I. That, my friend, is a serendipitous question.
Sun Mario Queen Of Cups John
Together
Seven of Pentacles
AHHHHHHHHHH
Heart of the Tao realllllllly reeeeeeeeallllly needs to get to comin around here soon in a big fuckin way and I see that now. I realize more of the darkness we are sitting in. I had to rerealize though because I already knew all that in high school.
All the things in high school I wish I still knew now but I will remember. I have to and when I remember all of it, damn! Watch out! I'm going home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter what this time, and no, I will not be pulled apart again like last time. There is a time and place for everything. Of course, there is a time set for me to return home. I see 50 years.
And no, my great nonphysical friends with all ye nonphysical power. Watch this, I get return home in 50 years, not die, so yeah, watch that. The things I see you see with me but you do not give me sight.
Being in the school, ok yes, I did want this for a long time, but it was too painful for that part of self to be around anymore. Maybe it has found its home, maybe I am too busy doing others with things but eventually I will be back there.
The people here to do own what I have and do not use what I want. What I want is to be free, and to see clearly, my truth and everything that is my truth. Well dah, Francine, your truth is already there.
I retrieve now everything I have lost to the nonphysical. HA Soooo....
yeeeaahhhhh
That's how they get to abuse everything is because they have all my power but not for long and oh, you want to fight me for it//????? WELLL!!!! How are you going to do all that when you are powerless now because I have stripped from you all that power that was supposed to be mine through intention, that I let you have for a alittle bit, and now that I have intended to call it back to myself, have are you going to use it??? Huh>????
Ok, so sleep now, I get back to seeing more. Widening the viewfinders of the world that lay in front of me waiting for my call.
Eo
written by  napulelehuameae on March 6, 2008 from Eugene, United States

Journeys
I guess this entry would be about my travels in ascension.
I should start seeing things in a new light.
I should be allowed my full expression and the expression of it, including whatever feeling I am feeling whenever I am feeling them.
I should not allow myself to hold back. If I feel a certain way, then, that is the way I feel.
And everybody will have to pay for it. And take it. Because I can not take hiding anymore.
What do I have to hide anyway?
Funny my emotions are always the ones I hide.
Well, I will see where the emotions lead.
Just intend balanced giving and receiving.

Yeah
I need more light.
How am I going to get it?
Whenever I do, I falsely ascend.
And the same things repeat again.
I am afraid of the same things happening with John happening with Aaron.
I can't have that happen again.
That's what rising up out of the fear based patterning means.
What am I going to do in the meantime.
Get ready.
I'm sick of looking at the details, I'm sick of looking, quite frankly. My ancestry is sick of looking.
Why is it always me that sees?
How is it I am supposed to be bringing more light into my life when I feel like what I am looking for is buried in the darkness.
I can understand now the balance.
I can understand what I came here to do.

eee
I forget John is mine, already. I have created him.
I forget Ed is mine, I created him.
I forgot Mario is mine, I have intended and created him.
Have I created me>

We will make it through, through and me
Jon = Mario
Ugh
Remember.
Now you do.

JOY!
John is coming to see meeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOY AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

My Life Your Life
I don't care who you are.
You are going to
A) Understand Red Nation patterning, genetics so that you begin to honor yourself, your soul, the Earth, your home, your body, and everybody else
(Reversal)
B) Give Back unto those who you have taken from
C) Go home eventually
I have been given a possibility.
I see it is possible.
For everyone
Even you Anu.
I have seen it.

Bed and Breakfast
Grand things are happenings in the scheme of things, and I can feel a change.
THings are happening with John.
I can feel pains in my heart.
I have figured out what is happening in Australia and what part my legitimate ancestors have played.
How am I going to retrieve my truth though? If I believe John has it, how can one have it, for this long when you KNOW they have it???? Ah, that has been a question for a very long time.
How can I feel the way I do and have it be detemental to my health. How can live his life, the way he does??? I am beginning to doubt he is a true gypsy at heart, and this also it not his truth. That is why he did not continue to do it throughout his life as much as he did.
Did I give it to him? How much does his ancestry actually have? And how gave it to? And why can I not get it back? And why are things going sour as they are when I seem to already know the outcome to this whole event?
Why can I seem not to manifest an event different than the one last summers ago>
Ok, well, I know what I am going to be looking at now. I have super karma with his whole family. It will give me what I need to look at next but what is this thing hitting me in the head????
I need an whole outlook of this whole thing. Well, that is something I have not alot of , why do I suddenly feel like everything I felt I wanted is no longer worthy of reaching for and why do I feel like I have nothing to put in it's place?
Well, of course, because that is the same thing that happened before. Great/I did not have to experience this again. Great. How am I going to keep in my life after I get my truth back? Well, how are we all going to feel. I do not need another person killing himself over me. But I guess, what will be will be.
Ok, maybe if I can change my sight, I can change the outcome. But what is that I need to not have the same thing happen again all around.
Oh shit, I just remember Buddha day related to the day I die. The day I......welll....THAT just put EVERYTHING into perspective. Maybe related to the day he ascended, oh well, that just answers everything doesn't.
I need to get out of this I know everything rut, it's really getting me down. Ok, and remember visionary intensive you went to with Australian people which had to leave early. That probably speaks to something.
I'm going into my sick of looking mode. Sick of Looking at John stuff just sick of it, it's tires me it hase gone on for years and years and years and years now why does my ancestry continue to belive the so called desried outcome will be different?
Can't we just move on to something else, if he isn't changing with me which he obviously ISN"T
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
get it through your head Francine......I don't even want to be a gypsy anymore, and that says something. I want property by the sea. Right on the seas, lots of acres, maybe a bed and breakfast, yeeeeaaahhhhh,.....thhhhhaaaaaat sounds nice

Sad
I think to myself and I think
"I would love to go to Europe and see Europe with John>"
and then I think
My emotions and I felt like I was HOME.
I kinda had that with Ed, well now, why would I have that feeling with him.
And then looking at Aaron has been very hard for me lately but I know I have to look at something.
Go home.
With John.
This lifetime.
Why not?
Probably not.
BUT WHAY DO I FEEL THIS WAY
Why can not the head and the heart and the pelvis be given even weight? Why must one be preferred over the others? Why must one go home at the expensive of the others?
How can I watch these things happen around me. That is fine, they will one day disappear.
WHy is there a referrandum against FEELINGS
UGH
FUCK
YEAH
NO
END
Laugh
Sigh
Now I have to pretend but I don't have to.
I am sorry but I don't know for what.
It is sad the way I have lived my life. But I can't be sad or they will kill me.

A month
Ok, some things are happening.
There was a switch today but I don't know as to how it will translate into the physical.
I guess it may be more wonderful than I can imagine. That is what has happened before. And a couple months isn't a long time to wait, espeically when things move the way they do.
I'm am wondering about the job.
I have realized I can not see very well into the future, or past this summer. Maybe I don't want to. What I did realize though is that I am very much looking forward to this summer and the return of my truth.
I know it will just open up for me. And I will leave it at that. Because that is the way things go, when things open up for you like that, the physical has no choice but to abide by the change of tides and will be easily rendered meaningless to do anything but follow the new course.
I have been given what I should be focusing on in the meantime, I know what I am doing. My intention to retrieve what I have lost is working perfectly and I couldn't be happier.
I had to check myself with that one! PHEW! When was the last time I said THAT!!!! Always on the look out, but I feel when I realized about the anu reaching to their own ancient ancestry tripped something up and it was realized and understood now. The thing that caused me to be on the lookout.
I feel like a complete ascension home now is possible. And I will not run into the same patterning I ran into before, now I know too much for that to happen again.
Just...can't...get...too...excited....The main false ascension has to do with Innana. How to overcome her, well, I suppose will have to keep plodding away. I will overcome!
Somehow....
Some day....
Some way.....
I want to keep writing and say hi to John!
Hi John! Kiss!
I better get back to meditating....

my life
Pulelehua again. It's nice.
Freedom is nice too, comes when all emotions allowed to be expressed without hinderance.

Missed it
Ok, well, wouldn't you know it, I manifested the job I was supposed to get but I couldn't get out of bed to get it. Ummm, well. Yeash, I was also recently raped and now I know why some things are the way they are.
On to the next thing, whatever that is. I'm busy with the consultation thing and as always, you know how it is.
Time to go to sleep, I await tomorrow where I sleep.
Time to release lust slut patterning.
Ahhh, eyeah./

I can not go back
There is a beginning and an end to everything.
And to everything I say this, a major Fuck you too.
Because fucking me over has been your soul and primary fuction and purpose since you were created.
And why were you created to destroy me?
Why were you created to destory everything I love?
Why was I created????
written by  napulelehuameae on October 10, 2008 from Eugene, United States

hey you
If I could have one life to live, that would be great, Now I know why Christians have deemed life so unlivable, they would rather live once then repeat the same mistakes again.
written by  napulelehuameae on October 10, 2008 from Eugene, United States

ugh
Hey, I have feelings too, just like all you other dumbfucks. I have a life, I used to have a will. Hah. I used to have desires, I used to believe in "home." Now home is a far off fantasy that never existed.
What is it to be homeless> What is it like? Who can ever say?
I have seen the ways of the world. I have played my part of it. If I went back home now, I....
don't think I would want to be there. And not even like it that much.
written by  napulelehuameae on October 10, 2008 from Eugene, United States

Lies...Here Lies......All lie....
Love is not the answer and love is not enough.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore, echoing thru my head till I don't wanna sleep....anymore....
It is nice I got to integrate more of Trent, now I can talk with the eloquence I so enjoyd when I was younger. It's such a gift to be able to express emotions unhindered, in the english language no less, through written and spoken langauge but unfortunately for him, he got stuck with the music dream....hehehehehe
If love was the answer, hell, we would be home already. If anything was the ANSWER, we would be home. Obviously there are still issues to attend to, which no one seems to want to look at, since no one wants to look at me anymore and believe that I exist....ha.
I had dreams, I had desires, right now, all I have is this pile of shit I seem to inherited from somewhere, I don't even know where. From my point of view, it was never mine. It has never been "anyone's" since no one "owns" anything. Its just given to them, and then they are forced to deal with it.
Maybe then in ways they are forced to deal with it....that isn't necessarily dealing but given the image of dealing when dealing really isn't dealin, but you believe the end result is dealing....welll, then some more shit is just goin to be plopped on the everexpansive piling of piles, ha.
At this point, I am really sick of the end result of everything. At this point, the path I have walked has NOT been the end result. The end has Not justified the means, and the end is a stinky pile of shit. Oh, so this is what Mila discovered. The heart of the Tao could not even "gift" me with a new vision. But, more shit is what I got. Ha. Oh thank you, oh great one. Who is supposedly more knowledgable than anything, thank you for more shit. I owe it to you.
hahaha, take a look at this motherfucking repeating pattern you dumbfuck. How the fuck is anything supposed to have infinite wisdom? How is the Tao learning and evolving and going beyond physical and nonphysical. From my point of view, it isn't...yet.
And when it does get back to me cuz right now, I am cutting out. And you can take your wholeness and oneness and shove it so far up your ass it bleeds, finally. Because their is no wholeness here and oneness here as far as you believe there is, the more you reject me.
Although, the farther I get away from me, the farther away people get from me. And I only walk that way to be closer to you. And you reject me too. Well fuck you, you can take your wonderful fantasies of "whole oneness" and I am going to flush them down the drain in my life because to me they are worthless, just like you.
Love, a distraction. Time, a waste. If I had a second, I would crush you for all the shit you have caused. And then you would be no more, and THEN people might finally begin to evolve. And grow. And learn from their mistakes you motherfucker.
No one HAS TO BE ANYTHING. To go back home. You just have to be, and let be be. I tried your complicated systems, and they have lead me HERE. YOU don't believe me? Here, let me crush your head, and then you will know what I feel.
A beautiful flower is only as "beautiful" as someone will believe it to be true, just like everything else. Yeah, that could be said for all the other nice, "light" things but whatever. Can't hide the truth that is unending within the darkness. And that it has no end either so they better learn some new ways of co-existing, or not existing at all.
If I had one token, I could put it in a slot, and out would come all that I feel I need and I would have it. No more groping around in the dark for it, no more pleading to the universe to somehow give it to me. Obviously, some are given that token at birth, others are not. Others feel too much, see too much and really, want that token system gone, so why would they create a token for the machine if they wish the machines were dead?
To be a apart of their lies, of their fantasies, of their realities, that have no presence here upon earth except for Earth to find out why they do.
Ascension? That words rots in my month too now. It's for people who obviously were given that token or somehow created their token through will and or took it back. I don't want my token back, you motherfuckers can have it. See what I care, ruin yourselves to oblivion and misery because that is surely what you will get in the end. I will play the game of no tokens for as long as I can, until you fucking burn motherfuckers.
Yes....I am talking to you. I can still sniff you out and take you on like old times sake, and I can still kick your asses. You think I've gone soft after all these years? Please motherfuckers, you are only there now because I have not destroyed your asses ... yet ...Oh, but I will and I will be there, no doubt, snuffing you out like a days old candle with no more wick left.
I know how you work, I may not know who you are ... yet... but I know your friends very..... very.... well...more than I know myself, and I will hunt you down like the very dogs you are, and rape you and take away all that you are until you are nothingness from which you originated from.
And that, my friends, will be a very peaceful day. But...I just have one question, and this still gets me. Why is it I feel like the only person who knows you are there and that you exist? No one sees you, and no one else fights you. Seems like everyone else has gotten the peace. Why am I still fighting? Everyone else seems so lazy. Like some of them even know you are there...and are out in their backyards lounging in the sun???? Heyyyy come on now, I don't want to do your fighting for you though! I enjoy it but come on, not THAT much!!!! Really!!!!
I have realized I enjoy the slow painful agony instead of the quick and painless. And I relish too much in the dark slow, and torturous decline that awaits anything I touch....

Ah...
I met someone today. I am not sure of the karma yet, is she a pharoah. How could she not, she has so much? Guru? Maybe. I have to look at that ancient egypt. Something. At least I got my wish. But yeah. Uh...at what price? Everything has a fuckin price.

Ha...
Hahaha, well guess who the cat dragged in!!!!! Trent wanted to come see me again last night....hey, I thought I was done with you? I guess not, he says I am one of the few people he feels safe opening his heart unto, and receives love too, and the love he receives from me is an awesome catalyst for him. He says he is still to fractured to send/receive much love from Earth, I told him I understood...
He had alot to say actually, and ascension is great gift for those who decide to choose it, but not without it' struggles and gains...It especially became heavy when it turned out he had some Dionysis in there, but I told him it would take 6 months to clear. It was then I told him too, maybe he should work with someone else you know? He said no, he doesn't want to be pushed that hard. He pushed himself hard enough with his life and music, trying to fit up to the person he thought he could be, he's had enough of that. Thats why he stays with me and comes back.
That "not being enough thing" that he has for his partners in particularly, comes back. Hey, in that, I am an EXPERT, hahahah Not like it's my truth or anything though....hahahha
We went back and saw that he has a dolphin/whale soul, when he was born!!!! Can you believe it????? That's what lent to him being so sensitive....in this life...He said he doesn't want to sing the same songs, like he did when he was younger, he is done with them, but he feels like he has to, that the past is so hard to complete with....
He says it is so hard for him now, to write, about the way he feels. He feels like he wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone and no one would understand....He has gone on....for so long....expressing, he wants to just sit and feel and listen more now than talk. Another reason why he likes talking to me, I just want to talk, I am sick of just feeling and sitting and listening!!!
It's so hard to know your true self, being wrapped up in so many people, at once. I gave him the suggestion of Ed, even, saying look, this dude did music, now, he has people to listen to him? You can stay with the music thing....He is in a lull, and wants to and feels like he had released the music dream that was placed on him, but doesn't know what else to do, to make money with. That will bring him joy.
Thats when the dionysis thing came in, for awhile it was the drugs that prompted his joy to come to fruition and through the drug use, he was given then the looseness and inner freedom to be able to express his feelings, whatever they were, no matter how dark they were, and that's what gave him his edge and place in the world.
We still have to see what will become of all this in the physical.
Who's to say, he's not going to become a folk singer, that's for sure. But just more at peace with who he is, and that is something he desperately craves.
I cried today when I masturbated. Really bad. I still just want something I can never have.....
Who's to say, I may still get together with him in the future, if he changes enough...But...either I get fine with staying with Mario (or don't) or something drastic, really fuckin drastic has to happen here with me.
All of my dreams, where have they gone? Gone like dust in the wind, no more. I have no more....If I could live your life for a day, I could change. But no, I stay here, and you go away.
I just feel like Trent. So much.How can I not work with him if I feel like him so much? I guess I have to, and with someone who is deciding to ascend, well, what else do I have to say? He is willing to look in the mirror, he is willing to feel his inner most feelings, he is willing to walk the line, he is willing to open his heart and feel and forgive.
I guess that is all that matters. Well, that is all that matters to me. It is healing for both of us, and so much of that needs to happen in a big way, the head tho, damn! The head! So much shit through the head, it is hard to stay alive and breathing and conscious now, that must be our karma with Mike and Tod....ughhhhh
Yup. Looks like it....Still no word from Nick. I have to see what it going on with that, I am awaiting what happens....AFTER I send the package with the completion bracelet, and THEN I will see if I go back to Connecticut or not....whatever....Hahaha, imagine if I get the house?????? All to myself?????????? For alittle bit ;) Until John comes back and says he wants to be with me forever.....hahahaha
I guess, no one is preventing me from dreaming....

Oh no
Hahahaha, I just remembered. I never got a chance to tell how much I am ... obsessed ... with his hands...haha, and arms .... and chest .....hahaha
I wonder what it would be like if I told him, I wonder if it would change anything, Hell, I wonder if it would have changed ANYTHING that all the time he talked to me, I cried, so much but hid it from him, I wonder...reallly, how much things would be different if I were not so afraid to show those types of emotions, when they are happening, as opposed to say... like right now???? hahahaha
I remember spending so much time with Nick, and then, things were never said and then well, damn....do I have experience in THAT!!!!
Maybe I will tell my momther (hahahahaha....oh wonderful typing fingers....) after I said the package, and then I will know more if that path is right for me....I just don't want that stuck feeling, I want to go really, but I don't want to feel stuck....
I think, it is finally time....to watch....the video....and try and not be overwhelmed...to much.....reallly....now....I think....I mean.....I ... hope ..... .. I ... .. . can... . ... hah.....han.....dle....... it ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do nothing....
Eh, I am sick of writing. I am going to go back in my shell now. The fact is I am still starving, I still do not have enough, and supposedly, according to the world, Francine deserves this....So I am just gunna curl up by myself and starve alone then....

hehe
Hahaha, I'm registered to vote!!!
All forces who desire to see the new times go away...silently...
Fuck you!!!!!!

Here's Me
Heres me in the sunlight, ha!
Well, here I am again. Can you believe it? It's been 7 years damn, man, you're old! AH well, not that much yet, as much as I can stave off anyway. Whos to say when I am 60 I will be 35? But when I was 35, I was 60? HA
Anyway, yeah, sooo, here I am. Writing, Documenting, as usual. Nothing much changes really just plays a different tune. Wathcing every move, scrutinizing, scrutinizing, scrutinizing. Under every single little keyhole and footnote, I am losing my way and finding it back again.
Haha, I think I have aways been that way. Now I know why I thought no matter what I did, the machines would always win! Damn those machines! They don't even know what being conscious is REALLY all about, thats why we have to show them I guess. I guess they have forgotten too.
But what does that all lead up to anyway? ALl I know is that I DON'T want the MACHINES to win AGAIN, and I DON'T want to DIE AGAIN.
But Francine, you are already dead. What's this you say? Well, damn girl, you stopped breathing in high school. Ahhhahahaha, you know, you never woke up. Just went to sleep and then that was that. What you are now is a ghost of what you used to be.
No One knows who you are, no one knows why you are alive except for your everpresent desire to transcend your own untimely death, which you still want. Talk about both being in both worlds, forget that, you're in 3!
Hehe, Andy, dude, why did you have to intend that for humanity? Larry, you just fuckin went along with it, didn't you? You know, you don't ALWAYS have to let your BROTHER decide what goes down and what doesn't. Maybe next time YOU be the one to ask me to the prom if you really wanted to, I would have said yes, then we would have been able to experience something NEW, like really new, not just the same thing repeated again just with a new jacket on.
Now I know how Mila says karma weaves a tapestry, but damn, that thread doesn't close and come full circle. Now I see why, there are all these threads flailing around with no one to complete them. Techincally, they were never fuckin meant to be completed upon. And what the hell is the use of creating something that can never be completed upon? No use. Lessons maybe on why creating something that can never be completed upon is no use.
Take Neo for instance, one needs the strength and courage to do what you need to do. Even he choose the easy way and still got out, what is getting out and fuckin waking up good for if the machines still win???
Walking in and out the space between, having all these powers, being mastered, being "knowledgeable", but too bad Larry and Andy made Neo such a dumb fuck, then maybe he would have had a chance. And no love. Hello, guys! He needed his love in order to win!!!! Maybe next time, oh and there will be a next time and the humans will win this time!!!!
No more killing off of the female because her time is done and she has done everything she was supposed to do. Ah, no....bullshit!!! That is NOT the true way, death is not the true path, and you have been conned into thinking that.
No, I don't want to kill myself...anyway....And stop having judgement about that too and it'll be easier to deal with. Besides, other people are making millions of your story too. Give props to Stephanie for telling her story and Andy And Larry. It's ok. I forgive you.
Funny, I haven't dyed my hair yet, but I guess that comes later.
I have been trying to remember what happened and it looks let Adora forced Dameian to tell her that he loved her. Then he said it, but did she? She must have. That caused alot of problems. And you can't kill one person without killing yourself, unfortunately Dameian learned that too late. I learned it in the nick of time.
Haha, I just realized, I just downloaded winamp, heeere we goooo
Just have to, just have to,
can't turn away
I have been here
before
But I won't be again
This is the last time
Better not start thinking this is too old or you are too old because then the magick will be gone and you will not learn what you came here to learn. Oh shit, I never let Aaron read the book. Oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuck.
Think he can handle it? Maybe? Can you handle it? Maybe...if you can breathe....High priest, but there is still something else. I know there this, there is still something to discover.
Hahahaha, Mario looks at me like I'm dumb..ahhhhhhahahaha
This is why I stay home. Stacy, tell me about it. Damn, they just don't understand. I don't understand how Mila has gotten her mental body enough to say what she wants to say. I guess I am still working on it.
Hmmm, maybe as long as I am in hiding, this other thing will be hiding. People talk about schisms, but ahhh...hellllooo, if you don't have the strength to face it, it's jus gunna be skipped and that's all. Don't be expecting more than that, please.
I am gunna deal with things in my way, in my time.
And damn straight shit will repeat if you haven't learned the complete lesson so stop with your hasslin and bustlelin bout that now cause thats all a bunch of wasted time. And enough time has been wasted already doin that so lets change focus already.
I have how many more months of this???? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I gave up on freedom. Freedom is only a state of mind, and if you can't reach that state of mind then something in your mind is blocking that and you have to spend all your time finding out whats blocking that, which can take some time.
Freedom I guess would be healing my mother and father but goddamn, I don't want to stay with Mario, but then I do, then I don't...

I speak....
I am one,
I am whole
I am alive
I am free
I am here
alone
But by myself
and with others
who are unseen

It's Offical
Well, it's offical. It's starting all over again. Hopefully, this fall, I will step out of the false ascension thing and step into something new. Like Barbara.

Here I was...
Here I was thinking that Marilyn and Evan were DONE, for GOOD, and low and behold today...I see that, I don't even know where I saw it, I forgot already...oh yeah, I remember now,
a Magazine, that I would have not looked at if Mario was around....
THAT THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED
What the fuck??!!
They can't be!!! WHY!!! Urgh
I am both deliciously pleased and yet, feel like I should be unhappy about this but I am not. Maybe I am....jealous....hahaha
No, it CAN'T BE
BUT IT IS
I just had to say, today this day is marked...it happened, now if she don't cancel before it happens or after if happens, how long are they gunna long last? How long does it ever last for him anyway????
Who knows, how long has it last before??? A couple years and what?
UUUURRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH
written by  napulelehuameae on April 15, 2010 from Eugene, United States