Getting to Santa Fe

I am embarking on a solo adventure to Santa Fe and the surrounds. It is difficult to think of myself as being solo as my life so far has been anything but. First I grew up as one of 4 children and lived with my parents until I got married. Then I had 3 delightful daughters who fill my days with laughter, chatter, oestrogen fueled girly dramas, energy and hope. Now I am heading off to the other side of the world in search of beautiful light, new open spaces and faces- some inspiration and some challenges for my photography work and for myself as a woman facing the world. When I first started thinking about going on a photo journey, it was all about the logistics and the work itself. Over the past week, it has become about so much more. The reality of missing my family and my Wellington life has sunk in.

I will conquer the fear of the unknown. I know nobody where I am going. I have never been there before. I am going to drive through the desert alone, on the other side of the road, on the left hand side of the car- scary stuff.

If the girls are encouraged in their school curricula to be risk takers and try new things, then I guess it's time their Mama led the way. Here I come unknown places and people.

If you have ever wanted to gauge your love for your offspring and your partner, try watching them walk away at the airport as you wait to board your flight. I wanted to go with them but I knew that I had a journey to complete before we were to meet again. The tears poured down my face. My sister often used to remark about the unusually large size of my tear drops.

Will the girls remember my absence with a sense of longing or as a novel adventure of their own? My fear is that they will feel I have abandoned them.

Having lost my parents, I find myself very conscious of the relationship with the girls. I so want them to feel the closeness to their parents that I had with mine. However, their childhood experiences are also remarkably different to mine in some ways. Travel is a passion to me. I remember yearning to see the world when I was a little girl. Even to go on an aeroplane was something I obsessed about. It was not until I was 15 that I finally flew. My girls have been travelling all their lives. It is just part of our lives. I find myself dreaming up the next trip and the ones to follow. I hope the girls will have an outward looking view of the world - beyond their own shores.

I would like to inspire the girls to do things outside of their comfort zones. I found myself too comfortable in my life in Wellington. I wanted to push myself in a work sense and in a getting to know myself – midlife crisis alert! Maybe Mums tend to lose sight of themselves along the way when they get caught up in their children's experiences of the world. I think the time has come for my work to have some space too. I hope that I will find that space over the next monthin Santa Fe and beyond.

Thursday 4 March, 2010

I woke with a start at 4.30am because the alarm clock in the hotel room had been set by someone else- bummer. I had asked for a 6am wake up call and would have relished the extra 90 minutes sleep. But looking on the bright side- my hair and make up is the best it has looked in a lifetime because I didn't have to get the girls ready for school. Now I know why my single friends always look immaculate. Does this mean I have to get up at crazy o'clock to look semi-decent?
I got to the airport at 6.45am. I asked to have the direct flight to LA rather than taking the 9.30am flight to LA via Sydney. Ask and you shall receive. The lady at the Qantas ticket office said it was silly to go via Sydney and broke the rules to change my flight. This was also great news as she didn't charge the ticket changing fee. So now I am sitting in Auckland Airport for 8 hours until I fly out at 3.50pm. This is better than sitting on a plane for that whole time. I can write cards to the girls, type my blog, read a Jodi Picoult book (Nineteen Minutes), people-watch and walk around at will.

It is so interesting to watch other people as they mill around waiting for flights. Especially parents with their children. I know what they are going through. It is so different being without the girls- no responsibilities or children to remember not to forget. No running to the toilet with a child who is “busting”. No children who are bored. No squabbles to adjudicate. My I-pod is my only company. It is alien to me to live the single unencumbered life.

There are lots of stressed out Mums and Dads carrying floppy children over their shoulders and juggling bags of stuff for their kids. Usually it is me carrying bags of kiddy paraphenalia through airports, desperately wishing I had a donkey to take the load- toys, books, food, clothes, drinks, wipes etc. I give them sympathetic looks but as I am kid-free, maybe they think I don't know what they're going through. I am still a bag lady on this trip, but this time I'm carrying bagloads of technology crap- computer, cameras, lenses and books. I was astounded how many different recharge and download cables I had to bring on this trip to go the distance. I guess in the old days it would have been bagloads of film.

The interesting thing is that the last time I did a solo overseas trip was pre-children- in 1997. I went to Europe by myself for 5 weeks. From memory, I returned with 35 rolls of used film. I was a minimalist back then using only one camera and one lens. That was all I had. The more I have learnt about photography, the more bits and pieces I take with me to get that elusive shot. One day I will do a journey with one camera and one lens, maybe even a Box Brownie.

I had the urge to move. I guess the thought of being sedentary for 12 hours on a plane creeps me out. I power hoofed over to the domestic terminal, walked up and down the length of the building and then back to the international terminal and up and down here. Feeling better now.
When I got back, I saw a guy wearing a black t-shirt emblazoned with “What is fashion?” in large white text. It made me laugh on the inside because he wasn't being cynical, he clearly thought he was pretty fashionable with his designer black track plants, gel in his hair and a little too much gold jewellery. I would have photographed him except I would have been fuelling his passion for his kind of fashion. I don't know what fashion is but I suspect he hadn't much idea either.

Time....
There are many sayings associated with the subject of time.
Time is of the essence.
Time is ticking.
Time is your enemy.
Time is on your side.
Make up for lost time.
A waste of time.
Time slipping away.

I have so much time today. I don't remember ever being able to sit and write or read at will. Time is not lost to me today. I am absorbing it and appreciating having it.

Grope alert
They weren't joking when they said it would take a while to get through security for a US bound flight. I was seriously patted down between the thighs and on the breasts. The woman doing the groping was pretty intimidating too- six feet tall and built like a tank. I wasn't going to complain but I certainly pulled a face when I turned my back to her for the butt and leg grope from behind. When I had to take my boots off inspection, she described them as “interesting”. I suspect interesting translates as weird- I was wearing my Italian chocolate brown and red shiny wrestling boots. Maybe I should have challenged her to a throw down then and there. Then my bags were very thoroughly searched. I had forgotten to put my cosmetics into a sealed plastic bag. Apparently in the US they would just throw my cosmetic bag away if not in a clear sealed bag- oops. The world has definitely changed post 9/11.

You know what is more interesting than seeing a celebrity in a public place? Watching the faces of those standing around as they recognise that person and whisper to the person next to them. I was standing next to Elijah Wood for a bout 20 minutes waiting to board the flight. There were two other film guys talking shop with him and clearly trying to impress him talking about what's left of old Hollywood. I put my I-pod on because it was so painful. Finally business class was called to board the plane and Elijsh politely excused himself. I overheard the two guys talk about how surreal it was to have been standing there having a chat with EW. Incidentally, he is only an inch or two taller than me so he really is a hobbit.

When the plane was about to take off, the Captain announced that he was required under US federal aviation law to inform us that we were not permitted to congregate in groups around the toilets. I wanted to ask if that meant we couldn't queue to go? That was bizarre and a little OTT. Then I had to fill out two forms for my visa waiver entry which asked for the same info 4 times.

Thur 4 March, 2010 (LA time)

It's official, I am no longer an alien, I have reached the status of “visitor” to the States. Last time I went to the States when I was pregnant with Mahalia, I was known as an alien. I realised when I was halfway through the one long customs queue that I had left my i-pod on the plane. This must have been because I was tired because I remember picking it up from the seat pouch to put it away. I contacted a Qantas ground staff lady and she radioed through to the cleaners of the plane. They finally found it but I had to wait an extra half an hour to get it back.

The next queue was for the domestic security check-in to fly to Santa Fe. Unfortunately I was a serious beeper with the walk through scanner. I had to be taken aside and “patted down”. It was a serious grope. The woman had no personality whatsoever and was very short with me. She kept asking if I was wearing any metal. I think the bra wire and metal rivets in my pants were setting of the machine. She made me fold my pants over so my mummy tummy was showing to the whole world. When I objected she siad that she had offered a private ropom for the inspection. I chose not to say that would have been more scary because there were no witnesses to her “inspection. I also didn't want people to think I was being taken into a room as a suspected shoe bomber. Of course, I kept my mouth shut because these laws are in effect a form of censorship of freedom. My dignity was stripped away as I stood there in front of about 50 people having every inch of my body squeezed or stroked with her rubber gloved hand. I tried so hard to be proud but found the tears streaming down my face. The security guard got annoyed with me because I kept looking over to the x-ray conveyor belt to check if my laptop, camera gear, watch and wallet were not being stolen. She asked me who would take them? Other passengers perhaps? Finally she got my things and brought them over to the groping area. She dumped my shoes and watch on top of my shiny new laptop. When I lifted them off she again got annoyed and said I wasn't allowed to touch any of my things. I objected because I was concerned it would get scratched. She just didn't care about my property and thought I was being pedantic. When she was finished checking me over, she asked if I wsa okay. I said “not really” and she again reminded me in front of her supervisor that she had offered me a private screening. Just to be sure I wasn't going to be taken anywhere I said “that's okay, you were just doing your job, thanks” I hated myself immediately for saying such a load of BS just out of fear of the US law enforcement. Somehow I felt saying those words would get me out of there faster. It is not easy to get into the USA.

I took heaps of aerial shots flying out of LA and across the desert. What an amazing landscape- a mixture of dry isolation and snow sprinkled over rocky canyons and flat patchworks of farm land in a variety of arid colours.

As I was getting off the plane, a lady called Carol-Anne from LA starting talking about photography and asking if I was in town to hear Annie Liebowitz talk on Saturday. Apparently she is also doing a book signing at the Georgia O'Keefe Gallery around the corner from where I am staying. I will enquire tomorrow morning.

Thur 4-3-10
4pm (Santa Fe time)

I am at my hotel called Inn of the Governors. It is right in town. I went out exploring for a few hours and had dinner at Plaza Cafe in town- it is an old diner style cafe. I had the New Mexican combo dish. I resisted the coconut pie and key lime pie because I was too full but I got some photos and was seriously tempted.

Friday 5 March, 2010
I just snagged a ticket to hear Annie Liebowitz speak tomorrow night. Apparently there is also a book signing and drinkies. She is receiving the Georgia O'keefe Museum's 2010 Women of Distinction Award. It is serendipitous that I happen to be in town and around the corner from this event.

written by  annwyn_tobin on March 5, 2010 from Santa Fe, United States
from the travel blog: Santa Fe Photography Workshops 2
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