Saying Goodbye - Blogabond

Well this is it.
The week I never thought would come has come. The week of goodbyes. The week of reflection, of tears, memories, craziness, last-minute "I love you's" and "wish I could have known you better's," and everything and anything in between.
I never thought it would come.
It's like I have been in this amazing, playful world where everything and everyone is on the same plane of living and everyone has this beautiful energy and passion to travel, explore, listen, adventure, inspire...it's so real.
I ended up on this island in the middle of the South Pacific in a town that no one has heard of, in a country that people can barely point out on a map...and I just don't want to leave. I am trying so hard not to start crying while I write this. I am in the library ("Studying" for my last final which is tomorrow), and it would be quite embarrassing if I just start bawling, also distracting...
No one from home is going to understand my study abroad experience.
Of course not. I dont' expect them to...and to be honest, I really don't want them to.
This is my own. This is personal. The closest thing you may get to understanding how absolutely amazing this experience has been will be the dreaming glazed look I get in my eyes when New Zealand is mentioned.
I have founded a new confidence and energy here in New Zealand. I will take it home with me and on to new adventures that await me where the confidence will grow and multiply and change and all sorts of wonderous amazements.
I am meant to travel. I need to explore. This natural rush and high from living because I am constantly throwing myself into the unknown. Last night some friends and I were sitting on my porch out back crying and laughing and sharing memories and little things from New Zealand that we will miss so much like plugging in a converter to do anything, the small selection of cereal at our tiny-sized grocery stories, all the thousands and thousands of sheep, the fire-juggling, the rolling green hills wherever you go, the kind and silly Kiwi accent, Jango! This crazy pirate man we met on the peninsula, Modak's pot of peppermint tea.....is this real? Am I leaving this place? Am I actually going back to Boston?
My problem right now is this: I do now want to go home because I do not feel as though that is what I should be doing with my life right now.
I do not have a home anymore. Everywhere is my home, everywhere I end up and I am done with Boston. I will push through my senior year and then I am done. I love Boston, I do, I love the city and my friends and classes and the Charles River and what not.
But I need to explore elsewhere. It needs to keep coming.

I need to study. And this is making me too sad. I'm sorry I have not been writing over the past month...finals and goodbyes have been my main priority.
I leave Dunedin in two days. From there I will WWOOF, couch surf, and just see what sort of opportunities come my way...
I have no energy to write right now. I've had this awful pit in my stomach that has been grinding itself into my gut for the past week. And it is only getting stronger.
It is so hard to say goodbye to some place you may never see again.
It is so hard to say goodbye to people you may never see again.

written by

Kiwi-Travels on June 16, 2008 from Dunedin, New Zealand

from the travel blog: I'm going to live as a New Zealand Kiwi for six months!

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I cried and cried leaving Namibia...and then saw you cousin and remembered where my home was =)

written by Cousin Deschenes on June 20, 2008

No one can truly understand the unique experience that you have had. Absolutely not. You are correct; that is yours and yours alone.

I remember feeling a lot of the same feelings you describe when I was ending my time studying in Spain during my junior year of college, but after finishing up at Tufts, I moved back to Spain. And then Hungary. And then Germany. With lots of travel throughout Central/Eastern Europe and the Middle East in between (with lots of visits back to Easton). But then I met your cousin and I found my way home again. For me, it took a few years of travel before I rediscovered what home meant to me. Nothing to worry about though--it will come with time.

Never say never--Miss S! You will make your way back to NZ and will explore many new places if that's what you want to do.

Hope finals went well. Oh--and we have baby #2 on the way, if you hadn't heard the news already!

written by Molly D. on June 20, 2008

Just re-read what I wrote and realized that I made an error. I always new what home meant to me--home for me is (and always has been) where my family is. It just took me a few years of travel before I realized that I wanted to LIVE back home.

written by Molly D. on June 20, 2008

K-N-E-W, not "new"....

What can I say, it's Friday and I am a sloppy commenter.

Cheers!

written by Molly D. on June 20, 2008

“What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks disappearing?--it’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s goodby. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” JK OTR

written by Robjob on June 30, 2008

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