The Worst 2500km In History

Left Alice Springs: 01/10/07
Arrived Cairns: 04/10/07

Bear in mind that its not long distances over vast expanses of nothingness that make road trips boring, Adelaide to Perth is 2600km across the Nullabor and I had a good time but then I had Kliff, Tim and an esky full of beer.

On account of the fact most my mates in Alice were locals who had no interest in driving 2500km to Cairns in a dusty Falcon, camping in rest stops and being generally skint I had to advertise for travel companions for the first time so I stuck a few notices up around the town and eventually Iris and Tammy, two girls from Hong Kong replied.

I have to admit, I was wary about taking strangers, its a long way to Cairns from Alice Springs but I couldn't afford to do the trip on my own and there's been a recent spate of peoples' cars breaking down, if it was going to happen I'd rather not be alone and Chinese people are small, if we were to end up on the side of the road the dingoes and sociopaths would go for the easiest targets first.

Anyway, it took three nights to get there and I can't say it was the most fun three nights ever but I figure that everything happens for a reason, if something can't be fun then let it be an education. Here's what I learnt over 3 nights and 2500km.

Lesson 1: Cheesy "Look At Me, I'm Holding Up A Huge Rock" tourist photos at the Devils Marbles are easier to do with travel buddies.

Look At Me, I'm Holding Up A Big Red Rock

Tammy In The Devils Marbles

Yep, they're still there, still round and still red but the girls hadn't seen them before so we stopped for a look and a wander round for the obligatory photos. Then we drove. And drove. And drove.

Lesson 2: No matter how much practice you have pissing in the bush you can never, ever avoid splash back.

So I introduced them to their first free rest stop camp site. We'd robbed some firewood from another rest stop and we spent the night drinking tea and talking. Well, they talked and I just listened, I learnt very very quickly that they didn't actually understand a word I was saying.

Lesson 3: Mount Isa is a fucking horrible town.

We'd crossed the border into Queensland (thus officially putting an entire state between me and my beloved WA) and rocked up here on day 2. Its got all kinds of exciting things such as phone signal, supermarkets, tourist information and a fuck off great big mine slap bang in the town centre. A lot of inland settlements in Australia were formed specifically for some sort of mining purpose which means they aint there to be pretty, its just that Mount Isa is less pretty then most. It could be Manchester during the Industrial Revolution if it were to ever stop raining in Manchester, like, ever. There's also a lookout you can drive up to where you can see the whole city. Lucky us!

Mt Isa

Crossing Another Border

Although I gotta admit, the drive between Mt Isa and Cloncurry is one of the nicest I've done and there's a 24hr rest stop exactly halfway between with fire pits, running water and flushing toilets. Flushing! I wasn't used to road side bogs you could breathe in anymore.

I could feel civilisation creeping up on me and I didn't like it.

Lesson 4: I suck at making fire. Making smoke? I deserve a fucking medal. Making a mess? I could represent England.

Free Camping With Iris And Tammy

Still, I got it going eventually while the girls sat back and talked amongst themselves in Cantonese. It wasn't that we needed it for heat, its just nice to have some light and something to focus on in the event that one of the party can't understand what the other two are saying. Then Sas, a Belgian girl rocked up, she'd arrived in a mega super deluxe shiny camper van with three other people she'd only known for three days and was already fed up of them so she came over for a chat. Sas, you have no idea how much you saved my sanity that night girl. We chatted for hours about everything, it was so good to just be able to talk and know that someone understands you and not have to repeat everything four times before getting a reaction that isn't a blank stare.

I decided that we needed to get to Cairns very very quickly.

Lesson 5: No matter how still you lie in tropical north Queensland you will still sweat like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.

Some people like to take the main highway all the way to Townsville then hang a left up to Cairns. I thought it might be prettier to go left at Cloncurry and head directly north to Normanton. And it is. Its much prettier. But the roads are about as wide as a road train and road trains don't stop for anyone or anything and it also meant we were over 350km further north a whole day earlier than necessary. So by this point I was hot, stressed and so completely over Chinese music which is basically like really bad English music except I don't understand the words. Mind you, I don't understand the words to most English music these days, the lyrics are all garbled and they don't make sense and...

Holy fuck, at exactly what point did I become my mother?!

Lesson 6: I love Lake Balmore!

The Amazing Lake Balmore

I'd refused to drive the girls to Karumba which was a fishing town near Normanton, it would have been a 140km round trip and you can't swim there because there's too many crocs. If I wasn't so desperate to just get to Cairns by this point I'd have taken them, if I was with mates or people I could have a laugh with I'd have taken them, maybe even gone out on a fishing charter and stayed in the town that night. But no, the thought of it just depressed me and as long as the car was moving I didn't sweat as much so we drove on and got to Croydon where I asked them if they wanted to look around the town because I was feeling a wee bit guilty about being a stroppy cunt. I was gutted when they said yes though but was about to pull over then I saw a sign for Lake Balmore, about 7km away, good for boating, fishing, swimming.... swimming!

Sweet joy of joys!

And they have cold showers and BBQs as well and again, this is where my normal road trips differed from this one. If it wasn't such an effort I'd have suggested we go back to town, grab some meat and bread and maybe some beers, chill here for a few hours, maybe even pay camp in Croydon that night.

Bugger that though. We just swam, showered then it was back on the road to Georgetown where we pay camped because there's no decent rest stops between Normanton and Cairns.

Lesson 7: Asians have the Nod And Smile technique down pat.

It was the last day and we were getting back into phone signal areas around the Atherton Tablelands. There's loads to see and do around here, I just didn't want to do it, I'd come back later with my parents. We stopped at one waterfall, went ooh ahh then it was onwards to Cairns. So far there'd been no Crazy People related incidents but there would be if I didn't get some decent conversation soon, having to say things four times before you're met with something other than a blank stare is just painful.

Millstream Falls

Cairns is big and scary and there's lots of cars and people and shops and a choice of directions and three lane roads. I felt like I should wear shoes and clean clothes and stuff, I was far too well adjusted to the bush and my desert towns. Quite frankly it scared the fuck out of me.

I offloaded the girls at their hostel in town then fled to Palm Cove to meet mum and dad who'd arrived that morning. That's it now, I'm never advertising again. Either I travel with people I've got pissed with or I travel alone.

Lesson 8: Hong Kong was handed back to China in 1997

Not 1992, Loody. You were so wrong. Mind you so was I but I'm writing this right at the bottom in the hope that no one will notice.

written by

Koala Bear on October 4, 2007 from Cairns, Australia

from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz

tagged RoadTrip

Send a Compliment

comment on this...