Claustrophobia - Blogabond

I remember having a discussion with Anita, my New Zealand friend when we were studying in Belgium, about the size of countries and how it affects the mindsets and feelings of people living there. Anita asked me how I could live in a place so big - didn't I feel lost and out of touch with the people around me? Everything is so spread out. She said that in New Zealand, you're never too far away from the coast. It's almost cozy. I had never really thought about it before, whether living in a big country had an inherently different feeling than living in a small country, and how that affected the people. I mean obviously, you may not have a close affinity with someone living in Alabama because they're farther away... but does that affect you as a person as well? How much of a difference does really make?

Now I understand how different it is living in a small place compared to a big space. It's almost as if the space your lungs can expand to occupy is mirrored by how small the country is (or vice versa). Just thinking about America and rolling fields and big skies makes me unconsciously take deeper breaths, whereas bringing my focus back to Belfast and Northern Ireland, I feel my shoulders slouch in a little bit, as if I'm subtley making room for all the people gathered around me in close proximity.

I feel somewhat claustrophobic here, of late. I miss open spaces, I miss distance, I miss being able to stretch out my hands knowing I won't hit someone. Or a wall. I don't know if that distance makes us more distant as people in America. I think perhaps it does. There is, after all, such a vast distance between myself and someone from Texas, or Seattle. Sure, there plenty of differences here between people from Belfast and people from rural Fermanagh, and even from people from the South. But are they closer in mindset? Are they really one big community? Are we not?

I can understand how Cailin gets frustrated with living in Belfast and consistently running into people she knows. Just this Saturday I met her and some of her friends at Bar Twelve in Botanic Ave to watch rugby. When I walked in, I saw Rebecca and Claire. Suddenly we realized we all knew each other... we just didn't know it. Belfast is the definition of a 'small world.' Sometimes I really like it, because especially for me, it's safer to know that people know each other, that I have a good chance of all my friends already being friends. I think Tomas likes it too. He literally seems to know almost everyone; we can hardly walk into a place without him knowing someone. And in many ways, I'm looking forward to being known as well, especially in Andytown, so that when I'm waiting for the bus, people don't think they have to let me get on first because they can see I'm a foreigner and assume I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing (I usually do, though).

This weekend we're going to Donegal with Megan. I don't know if it's because I've been working hard and feel like I need a vacation, or really truly am feeling the manifestations of closeness and claustrophobia, but I can't wait to get out of the city. I want to see the countryside. I want to run down a street and not be afraid of being hit by cars, I want to smell fresh air, I want it to be quiet enough to hear my own thoughts.

So maybe Anita's right. Or maybe, it's just about what you're used to. She can't imagine living in a place so big, too big, to really know all of it, and I'm having difficulty living in a place so small.

written by

ebienelson on March 5, 2009 from Belfast, United Kingdom

from the travel blog: "She is the Belle of Belfast City..."

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