I think its funny that I had to go to Barcelona to realize that I really do like living in the back of beyond. I felt so strange in Galesburg... so out of place. I didn´t mind all of it, but there were things about it that I felt I couldn´t live with. (Bugs, for example.) I was ready for a change and I wanted, I needed, to get out. This was something I had known since high school. But I wasn´t in a hurry. I decided to go to Knox College instead of some other faraway school, and I´m still happy with that decision (even if now I´m not so sure that Knox will be the place I loved these last two years when I get back...) Anyway, now that I´ve bided by time and taken my opportunity to do something about it and get myself out of the United States, I realized that I was right about some things and wrong about the rest.

1. Barcelona, as beautiful and interesting as it is, is nowhere I can (or want to) live for the rest of my life. (Sorry ´bout your luck, Mom.) Even though the streets are clean, the air is filthy. I can feel the pollution aspirating in my throat and lungs when I breathe. Talk about depressing. The thing is, being a college student makes me feel a bit homeless, a little lost. Transient. And frankly, I´m not sad about knowing that I don´t want to live in Barcelona. The way I see it, I may not know where I will belong, but I know where I don´t (or don´t want to) belong. Wherever I live, it won´t be in the thick of the urban jungle. Simply put, I like breathing.
2. The United States isn´t perfect. But neither is the rest of the world. And I need to make more of an effort to stop referring to it as "America" because there is more than one country in "America". (Like Canada!) I will never forget how ignorant I felt when I realized what I was saying... like the United States is the only country that matters... ugh. I´m so embarrassed. But what I´m trying to get at here is that I don´t know if I´ll live in the United States or not. I´ll make that decision based on what place makes my life easier, probably. Its just a matter of what rules I want to play by.
3. Cameron, Illinois isn´t so bad! What it lacks in cultural stimulation (I can only watch tractor pulls so many times, sorry), it more than makes up for in atmosphere, ambience and SAFETY. Being afraid of a skunk down the road is something I find infinitely preferable to being afraid of the creepy drunk guy at the other end of the street. I´ve never realized just how terrified I am of being in a situation where I can´t protect myself. It is easily my biggest fear. (My second biggest fear? Well, as long as I´m pouring out my soul, it´s the fear of losing my quality of life to poor health). So little Cameron, Illinois, in all its quaint familiarity, has given me exactly what I needed the most all these years -- clean air and a safe haven. Of course I appreciated these things, but now instead of just being grateful when I found it convenient, I find these characteristics to be priceless. Who knew. (Note: I´ll never call myself a "farm girl" though. I can´t do it -- makes me feel ridiculous. It just doesn´t fit. But then I´m not a "city girl" either...)

Sigh... okay, that really is enough for now. I feel better -- I think I needed to get this out. Seeing my thoughts helps to sort everything out. And now, I don´t really feel like I´ve reached a conclusion. There isn´t really anything to conclude. These are just things I´ve observed and noted, with some surprise. Then again, I´m easily amused.

To whoever managed to read all of this: First, I´m impressed that you stuck it out. I probably would have stopped reading a while ago. :) I don´t know how this is going to register with you, but I´m sure you understand by now that this wasn´t written for you. I wrote it for my own sanity, but about halfway through I figured that since I had gone through the trouble of writing it, there wasn´t any reason I couldn´t share it.

written by  achavero on October 23, 2007 from Barcelona, Spain
from the travel blog: Amanda in Barcelona
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personal vulnerability (your truth) is always provocative...it's like a car wreck, you know you shouldn't look, but you find you can't look away.

written by  Coco Chanel on October 23, 2007

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when you are on a trip,its good to have some spare time in your hand, for example, the time to write this blog..
heehee

written by  Rainfield on October 23, 2007

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