Small rant - Blogabond

“I went running yesterday, by the Indian river. It was beautiful.. the sun reflected off the ripples of water that expanded on forever. There are 50,000 varieties of palm trees, i think, and they all line the riverbank. I ran until I couldn't think about anything anymore... concentrated on pacing myself, on getting rid of a cramp, on the sifting sand and rocks in my shoes... I sat underneath an overpass and watched lizards sunbathe. I stayed out until the sun started to go down. The sky turned grapefruit pink.” That’s what I wrote to Rosa the day after her lecture to me about letting go of the people I’ve come to love. She is looking out for me, and at times she has to be a rock herself, to protect me. Especially during my weak moments, when I want to reach out to Meg, Suzie, Steph, Vinny, and Julianne. When I want to risk my freedom to tell them that I love them, and that I’m not abandoning them. She yelled at me using capital letters on facebook chat. That I have to let go, that I’d be risking myself, my future, any scrap of hope by talking to them. That I need to come out of this intact. I had to agree. She’s right. She always is. And as I deleted each one of them from my friends list, my heart sunk a little deeper into my chest. Until I was done, and there was nothing left to feel. And I flew out of my head, and found a place to curl into myself, and hold myself until the next day. And I woke up and knew that I had to get rid of it. So, I ran.

I can’t even describe what it’s been like. Being told to forget, and leave my entire life behind. Everything I’ve worked for, everyone I love… to reclaim, what? My dignity? Hah, please… I still have my dignity. My future? I can’t reclaim that. There’s nothing there. Everything I saw ahead of me is gone. My entire vision, wiped away. I know that I can take this blank canvas and make something beautiful. I know that I have to move forward, Sever all ties to everything I knew. Start fresh. Clean. But I didn’t feel un-clean! I was happy, damn it! We all were… and there’s my one link. We share that. I can’t let go, because they can’t let go. I won’t if they won’t. So what do I call this? Pretend? Fine. Game face on. Wall up. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.

Damn it! I’m so arrrrgh! So sad. So frustrated, SO angry. I don’t know who to direct it at. I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t write… Here they are! Those nasty, filthy feelings… the rage, the pain, the next to hysterical twisting -knotted -glass shard- sharp bone- blood battered- hair raising- teeth clenching -white knuckled feelings that make me want to scream at the top of my freakin lungs!!!… and the second I open my mouth, NOOOTHING.

I just run. I take in the beauty around me and imagine it’s a blanket, soothing me. Letting my mind rest. I am grounded with every foot fall, and I am grateful for dirt and sand. I am grateful for Amanda Fucking Palmer and the Dresden dolls who take me to another place and time. I run until I feel like something is exploding inside of me. Then I walk, and I watch the world throb and pull away.

I have to be done with this. I haven’t allowed myself to think about it consciously until now, and I can’t. I have to numb myself from it, and put it away until it’s safe to take out again. It’s time to work. It’s time for me to rebuild. I have a new place, and a new life. And the two cannot mix. I have to separate them, like peas and corn on a plate. I can only focus on one of them at a time, and I choose Florida. I can’t do anything about New York that I haven’t already done. Florida is here and now, right in front of me, and I can't can't can't can't CAN'T live in the past like I chose to so many times before. I choose the opposite, and that's the end of this rant.

written by

snookyferrit on February 27, 2009 from Rockledge, United States

from the travel blog: Mel and Kae's Craaaaaaazzzzy Blog

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