The 'Kalomo Butcher' Saga

Monday 11th May 2009

The Kalomo Butcher With His Wives Beverly (red) Groble (pink) And Loveness (black)

Police in Zambia are on the hunt for the man responsible for the murder of two innocent chickens in the quite community village of Simakakata on the outskirts of Kalomo. The suspect, 25-year-old Marcus Leach, is believed to have fled to Malawi to slip the Zambian police's attention, although as of yet there have been no sightings of him there.

Heads Up

An eye witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed how it was just another quiet day in Simakakata, the school was full of innocent laughter, elderly women stood under the shade of trees gossiping as the sun warmed the backs of hard working farmers and all seemed well. Yet just metres away from the local school an ugly double murder was taking place, as recanted here by our eye witness.

It's Almost Off Now

"The man looked like a killer, with shaggy hair and a bushy beard he seemed the sort who would just slay innocent chickens," our source said. "He was aided by three local women, who it is rumoured he took as his wives as part of the killing ritual, one of whom seemed responsible for the kidnapping of the chickens. She arrived on the scene with the chickens tied together at their feet and with no chance of survival, and that is where that monster of a man took control.

Seconds From Death The Chicken Knew She Was Doomed

"Holding the animals down with his feet he showed no mercy in cutting their heads off with a blunt knife. From where I was standing, out of their sight, I could see the animals twitching and fighting for their lives, but it was futile as he butchered them with a look of pleasure on his face. The poor animals were still twitching and clucking after their heads had been severed, it was ghastly.

"He seemed to rejoice in the killing of these animals, holding their heads up as trophies afterwards. I just hope the authorities catch him as he is clearly clucking mad."

This Is What They Call Sticking The Knife In

When police arrived on the scene they found the chickens hacked into small pieces, fuelling the belief that Leach will strike again if given the chance, and given the number of chickens in Africa that is a very real possibility. Whilst all three women believed to have married Leach during his stay in Simakakata have been arrested none are prepared to reveal information on his whereabouts.

Mr Zikani Lockemup'Nthrowawaythekey, head of Kalomo police, believes Leach is armed, dangerous and more than capable of killing again.

"Such butchery, whilst skilled, shows we are dealing with a crazy individual," said Mr Lockemup Nthrowawaythekey. "Further to that it is understood he is carrying a Leatherman and will stop at nothing to spill more innocent chicken blood."

The hunt for the killer continues, but in the meantime we advise everybody to lock up their chickens and alert police immediately if you happen to spot Mr Leach.

Wednesday 13th May 2009

Cut Her Clucking Head Off

The hunt for Marcus Leach, the man dubbed as the 'Kalomo Butcher', has moved to Malawi after police investigations revealed he had left Zambia in the early hours of Tuesday morning under the cover of darkness.

Immigration officials at the Mchinji border post confirmed Leach had indeed entered Malawi on a bus headed for Lilongwe, but had not been seen since. Zambian police continued to question his three wives, but all swore they would rather suffer the same fate as the chickens than give up their husband to the authorities.

Two Heads Are Better Than One

Both the Malawian and Zambian police have admitted they have very few leads to go on, although an envelope containing pictures of the crime was found at a backpackers in Lusaka. The gruesome images provide conclusive evidence that Leach is indeed the killer of these two chickens, who have been identified as sisters Lizzy and Bessie Feathers.

"I have seen some pretty grim stuff in my time with the police force, but this tops it all," said one of the investigating officers. "Above all it shows we are dealing with a disturbed individual who takes immense enjoyment out of his murders."

With the Zambian police at a loss with their side of the investigation the onus is now very much on their Malawian counterparts. With the search continuing the police have pleaded for anybody with any information to come forward as soon as possible.

Sunday 17th May 2009

Lizzy And Bessie Having A Hot Bath

The following is taken from a live broadcast the Kalomo Butcher gave late last night from a secure lake shore location, where it seems he is living quite the life in an all expenses paid chalet on the edge of the lake.

"Whilst I admit to killing the chickens I must stress it was not in cold blood, but in fact part of my cooking for senior members of the local community," Leach revealed. "It is not something I have done before, or will be in a hurry to do again, but it was a necessary evil that I took responsibility for.

Two Of The Butcher's Wives At Work

"I did feel for those poor chickens as I cut through their necks with a blunt knife, especially when they started twitching violently as the blade ripped their skin open. The worst part for me was getting half way through the second chicken's neck before letting it's head slip from my grip, meaning it was flapping around fighting for life with just a bit of skin holding it's head on.

Butchered According To The Colonel's Standards

"Pictures were taken purely on a professional basis so that I can accompany articles I write for my job with images of my journey through Africa. What makes me laugh is a boiled and then fried over fifty caterpillars and nobody bats an eyelid, but kill a few chickens and suddenly people think you are a psychopathic killer with a thirst for fresh blood.

Two Naked Birds - Result!

"Ask any of those who ate the feast I prepared and they will attest to my story, and further to that will tell you just how good the food was. I even have the recipe should anybody need a copy. For now I will stay at my secure retreat on the banks of Lake Malawi until police have spoken to village chiefs to clear my name and announce me innocent."

Tuesday 19th May 2009

All charges against Marcus Leach relating to the murder of two chickens in the Simakakata community near Kalomo have been dropped following a statement provided by the village chief.

Mr Zikani Lockemup'Nthrowawaythekey, the senior investigating officer, declared the case closed after Gift Mpenza, the village chief, confirmed the chickens had indeed been killed for a royal feast, and not in cold blood as had first been believed.

"Was food for my dinner," was all Mr Mpenza had to say in between mouthfuls of succulent chicken. The only remaining doubt centred around the manner in which the chickens had been prepared for this feast. But in order to be sure that the chickens had indeed been butchered according to the International Chicken Butchery standards Colonel Sanders of Kalomo Food Company (KFC) was brought in to carry out forensics.

"All I can say is them chickens were killed right and good, and they tasted finger lickin' good," said the KFC forensics chief, with chicken grease all over his white beard.

Despite being cleared of any wrongdoing Mr Leach is refusing to leave his hideout on the lake, citing the natural beauty of the area as his reason for staying there for the next two months. He was unable to comment at the time, given he was floating aimlessly in the lake without a care in the world.

The Aftermath Of The Killing

The 'Kalomo Butcher' Saga

Kalomo, Zambia