So, what do I think of Rome? It´s hard to say. I felt, and feel, pretty ambivalent. Sometimes I was annoyed, sometimes I was totally enamored. Occasionally, I felt like I was stuck in an amusement park. Mostly, I was a mess. Emotionally, a mess. I managed to stand directly in front of the sculpture, Laocoon, in the Vatican museum, and seeing the anguish in his face and the veins, the tension, in his thigh brought me to tears. Seeing stones shaped and placed by people who have been dead for over 2000 years made me stop and wonder -- but it wasn´t over the craftsmanship (which was usually fantastic), it was over the idea of mortality. I´ve never felt so mortal and insignificant in my entire, if brief, life. Linguistically, a mess. Conversations that took two or three languages to get through were very common. Physically, I barely kept it together. It took two maps to get around the city, and while we occasionally allowed ourselves to wander, I had trouble letting go at first. With every step I was both exhilarated with the sights I was rewarded with and mentally recording as many details as possible so I could find my way back. But even then, I wasn´t ever totally sure of my location in time and space. Rome feels so disjointed to me. Seeing the modern, the reconstructed, and the original side-by-side, on top of and surrounding each other... after even just a day it blurs into a big... mess. For me, there is no way to successfully marry past and present. Past is past, present is present. They don´t go together. Can they complement each other? Perhaps. They just don´t fuse into a seamless entity for me.

And maybe what I felt in Rome doesn´t fall into a "normal" experience. Maybe I just took everything too seriously. But it was my experience and it was unforgettable. I have never felt so unsettled in my entire life -- physically, emotionally, mentally -- and while I never want to feel that way again, I´m glad it happened.

Leaving was also difficult. I wanted to get the hell out of there as much as I wanted to people-watch in Piazza Navona, eat pastries on the Spanish Steps, lust after purses and shoes, window shop and feel sorry for the drivers who chain-smoke while waiting for their charges to come out of Cartier, Dior and Ferragamo laden with shopping bags full of tissue-wrapped accessories, and overindulge in gelato -- which is just a small portion of what I managed to do with Erica and Jen.

But getting back, even at 2 am, was a relief. Going somewhere else and being even more awkward, foreign and out of place does wonders for making your current living situation feel more comfortable. I came back from Rome feeling much better about Barcelona. I even have a little more faith in my Spanish now because I know it works... in Italy, at least.

written by  achavero on October 22, 2007 from Roma, Italy
from the travel blog: Amanda in Barcelona
tagged Rome
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I have never read more "truth".

written by  coco chanel on October 23, 2007

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Not an emotional wreck. I just wanted to let you know that I /have/ been reading your blogs, I've just never had the opportunity to comment on any of them before now.

I always immensely enjoy reading any of your writing. It makes me think of things in a new perspective, and also makes me extremely jealous since I could never phrase my thoughts so well. =)

This is a fairly pathetic comment, but I wanted you to know that I'm here with you on every step of your journey that you care to share. =)

written by  Allison on October 31, 2007

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