Cravings and indecision.

Maybe I should go get gelato. I haven´t had gelato since I got back from Italy. I´ve been afraid to find that it isn´t quite as good as Rome´s.

I don´t understand why I need this chocolate so badly. I´m not hungry. But right now, it´s either going to be chocolate or tylenol. Am I really having a chocolate withdrawal? Because my head hurts. Right now, I actually feel like there isn´t enough chocolate in the world; at least not enough at my disposal. I think its the weather: cool, damp feeling and cloudy. But mostly just... grey.

I´ve started reading La Colmena. In Spanish. It´s really slow going. I can read it... I only have to look up one or maybe two words per page... but I read sooooo slooooowly. i feel like i´m in second grade again. Just one step above having to say every syllable out loud. Super annoying. I know it gets better with time and I just have to keep practicing, but that doesn´t make the resulting headache go away. Thus, I need chocolate. I even just left and bought a kitkat out of the vending machine, but i´m still feeling pretty murderous.

Yeah... that´s a pretty good way to describe my mood right now... I´m feeling pretty murderous. I really just want to get a big, 150g Lindt chocolate bar and shred the wrapper to pieces until I can sit peacefully, my mouth full of gloriously melty chocolate and wait until all the stress and dreary, grey thoughts just go away. And then, I´ll break off another piece, careful not to hold it too long (it melts, you know), and when I pop that into my mouth, things will be right with the world.

Sometimes, I don´t think my "addiction" to chocolate is very healthy. However, I tell myself, at least its not cocaine (or any other horrific drug), its marginally healthy (it might not do anything good for me, but at least it doesn´t cause cancer), and its cheap. When I start getting too big for my britches, chocolate and I will have a showdown. Until then, I´m content to enjoy it.

All in all, today hasn´t been a bad day. Well, it hasn´t been a great one, but I´m not complaining. Pretty run of the mill. Woke up, got out of the house on time, listened to my mp3 player on the bus, and ate my breakfast (two small muffins that I tossed into my bag on the way out) while I waited for my first class to start. The professor was 15 minutes late (by unspoken agreement, if the professor is more than 20 minutes late, we walk out). I like him though, so I would probably give him 25. We finished the movie we started last week (La Lengua de las Mariposas, great film), and silently commiserated while we listened to "Tomcat" ask redundant questions about the rise of Franco for the remaining half hour. "Oh, Tomcat," we all say. He´s a nice kid, but he asks a lot of questions. A lot of the same questions. But no matter. And "Tomcat" is what the group collectively nicknamed him. Think about it.

The second class passed easily enough -- it was the grammar class. But today we all took turns talking about what we did this weekend. Since I did nothing terrifically interesting, I spoke the least. It was more fun listening to stories about the trips to Paris and San Sebastian, anyway. A ham sandwich and an apple later, I popped into the computer lab. I´ve been here for about an hour. At 6, I have the history class. At 8-ish, I´ll be in the grocery store under my apartment. At around nine, Pepita will serve dinner and will probably comment on how much I eat. She always says it with a smile, and only recently, but I don´t know how to take her comments. The Spanish, and especially the women, have this way of criticizing or otherwise making comments by using sarcastic or playful tones. It´s hard to know if they are being serious. Well, it´s hard for me. She´s been nothing but fantastic this entire time, though, so I don´t think she´s being mean or critical. Anyway, lately she has made comments about how much I eat, or that I have quite the appetite. This weekend she asked me if I haven´t gained any weight since I´ve been here. I said no, and she smiled, replying, "Well, I guess I didn´t either when I was your age." But... its strange. I guess I don´t really know if I´ve gained weight, but my clothes still fit. If I have, it hasn´t been much. I don´t know if I should say something. I don´t know if I should eat less. I don´t know if I should give into the insecurity that starts to rise when she says something about it.

Sigh... whatever the case, I still need chocolate. Yes, I NEED chocolate. There is no indecision about that. And tomorrow, I´ll go for my first run in Spain. Yeah, I still haven´t done that. But I guess being in a new country isn´t enough of a reason to slack off ;)

written by  achavero on November 5, 2007 from Barcelona, Spain
from the travel blog: Amanda in Barcelona
Send a Compliment

comment on this...