A list of reasons why I love you..

I now know how you felt, and I wish I could take it back. I now know what I put you through- how you couldn't win. I didn't even know how I was hurting you, even though you tried to tell me. I didn't even understand how much I was hurting you, even though I thought I did. When I said I was sorry, I didn't know that I was only covering the surface wounds. Believe me, I truly was sorry, but I didn't realize then that sorry just wasn't enough. I thought it was worse for me, that you just didn't understand- but it was bad for the both of us. I can't believe I see it now. It must have exhausted you.

I never would have known, had we not taken this time apart. It might have had the opportunity to happen again if I didn't take this time to see- had I not taken this time to change. It's not going to happen, not anymore, not to anybody. I couldn't bare it, especially knowing what I know now.

I can't believe how different life is now. I think i've finally come to peace with my past. Though I can't change it, it doesn't have control over who I am anymore. I'm not crazy, I wasn't really crazy before- I was troubled and I didn't want to believe it. I thought that my past didn't matter, that the problem was me. I was fooling myself- I was only half the problem. The past was under my skin, and I refused to see. And I thought (truly thought) that I was just crazy- that I was just unique, and the way I was- was who I was born being.

But that's not the truth. The truth is that I was born a good person. I was born honest, and loving, and happy- what happened to me is what changed that. I could fool myself into believing that my past had nothing to do with it, but it would catch up to me- and it would hurt me and anyone close to me. I couldn't cope with it all and I had to battle for control of my mind. And I couldn't remember a lot of what happened which made me believe that it was all made up. I drank, did drugs and hurt myself- and that assaulted my body and fucked up my chemicals even more, and may have even caused the imbalance that I sometimes deal with now.

I ended up hurting those closest to me, convincing myself that I was the one who was really getting hurt- because I had spent so much of my life where it was that way, and I didn't think it could possibly be any other way.

Now that I have this total honesty rule, over time i've discovered the truth. That I was miserable because I allowed myself to be- because that's who I thought I was. I kicked up so much dirt while trying to change, and got nowhere.. because I was barking up the wrong tree. I was searching for answers in all the wrong places. In that process I hurt you. I'm sorry.

I should have opened up to you more, it probably would have helped. I convinced myself that it wouldn't. By not opening up, I didn't let myself see- I couldn't see the truth, even though I thought I could. I didn't know how to be totally happy, even though I probably could have been. I probably could have made you much happier.

So much has changed. Now, every possible curve ball has been thrown at me the past couple of months, and i've just been batting them away. It's like, by realizing how to be honest with myself, things that were so complicated before seem so easy. I can handle now what I couldn't two months ago. Now I know how to be happy and stay that way even with a bump or two in the road. If I could I would take this knowledge and apply it to back then. If I ever have the chance to, I will utilize it when I see you again.

I can't change the past now, but please know that I get it now- and please know how truly sorry I am. I acted crazy, so crazy.. In that sense, I was the crazy one, you weren't. I get why you felt like you had no control. I get why you felt like there was nothing you could ever do or say. You shouldn't have had to experience that. I thought life was hard me, but I made it hard for you too. I just wish I knew.

I love you so much for sticking through it like you did. I'm so grateful to you, I don't think I could ever accurately express how much. I don't know how to explain getting from there to here as far as my thought process goes. But being here, I don't ever want to turn around again. I don't think i'll ever be that same person again. I'll always be Mel- but I feel so much less fucked up in the head. I feel healthier and happier- even though i've still a ways to go.

I wish I could share this with you. Where i'm at is not an easy place, but it's so much better than before. Everything is brighter and more possible- I find something to be happy about just about every day. But I thought of you today and I smiled inside and out. I realized, it's been over a month since we last spoke- I miss you like hell, and from time to time I just wish you were here or I were there. But things around me, and it seems around you range from allright to good to even great, and I am secure with that. When I see you again though, i'm giving you the biggest hug you've ever received.. You may not be able to stand afterward.

So.. I love you, beautiful. You mean the world to me. g'night sleep tight.

Btw, car+tree= at least 40 mph. And yes we're all fine. The corolla is dead but a 95 honda civic is on the way with 200,000 miles on it as well as a ton of debt for me, haha. I promise my next entry will update a little more about my actual life. ps, congrats on the drinking game lolol

RIP 03' Corolla and 94' Cavalier

written by  snookyferrit on March 12, 2008 from Smithtown, United States
from the travel blog: Mel and Kae's Craaaaaaazzzzy Blog
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