Erm, wow...

Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to reply to your last entry. We just had easter break, so I was gone camping and away from computers for a few days, but also I think I needed to let your last entry digest a bit before I replied to it. I feel like I've had some time, and yet I'm still not sure how to convey everything that's going through my head...if my thoughts seem a bit disjointed, forgive me.

First of all, I am so sooooo proud of you/happy for you...not in a condescending I-told-you-you-could-be-happy kind of way...but in a very pure way. I care about you so much, and you have no idea how ecstatic it makes me feel that you can find something that makes you happy every day and that you're in a much better place in your life right now. I've always felt that you deserve the best, and I'm so glad to hear that you feel you're finally getting closer to that, whatever the best may be for you. I am sooo proud of you for working so hard to find contentment and be honest with yourself...I think so many people think that happiness is just a default state of being, and when they can't reach that state, they just get angry and don't understand why they are an exception to a wonderful and much-deserved universal condition...at least, that's how I used to be. It's taken me years to figure out that I have to work at being happy, that it is not a default setting unless you strive to make it one. All the people I know who are truly at peace with themselves have worked their asses off to get there. I hope I'm not coming off as preachy...what I'm trying to say is that I am indescribably proud of you because I know how much work goes in to what you are doing now. You are so brave, especially considering your past and how many obstacles you've had to overcome to get to this point. If I were with you right now, I would give you the biggest hug ever.

Secondly...well, this is the part where I have an emotional brain fart. I can't express how good it makes me feel to read your apology and to have you acknowledge the struggles in our relationship that I couldn't always articulate to you...after working for so long to keep things together despite the obvious issues and constantly asking myself what was wrong with me and why I couldn't ever do what was right for you and feeling like I couldn't always talk to you about it...it's an enormous relief to see that it wasn't all me, even though I will always take on some of the blame and feel that relationships are two-way streets. Part of me feels incredibly guilty that you would find any fault whatsoever in the way you were handling things...after all, making things harder for both of us was never your intention, and you do deserve the best the world has to offer and shouldn't think of yourself as any less of a person because you made mistakes. I was always afraid that should you realize you could have dealt with things a bit differently, you would feel guilty and down on yourself, which was one reason it was always hard for me to ask you to deal differently. Making mistakes doesn't make you less of a person...if anything, it makes you more beautiful when you can still accept yourself at the end of the day. I have a feeling that you already know this, and I hope I'm not sounding preachy again. What I'm trying to say is that I feel guilty for potentially making you feel guilty even though I might be projecting my own reactions onto you and you might not feel guilty at all because you're strong and beautiful and you already realize that it's okay to make mistakes. I hope you know what I'm trying to say because rereading that last sentence was enough to make my head hurt.

I guess the last emotions I felt when I read (and reread, and reread) your entry were sadness mixed with a bit of anger. It still kills me that I couldn't do more to help you, and thinking about what we both went through makes my throat tighten a bit. I love you so much. We both needed to figure these things out, not only things about our relationship, but mostly things about ourselves. I just wish we could have avoided the heartache we both felt. Neither of us deserved it. It's no one's fault, just one of those growing-up-is-tough things that you're warned about over and over when you're a kid but don't understand until you've experienced it. The universe it a bitch in many ways, but I like to think the grass will be greener for us now on this side of our experience. I have faith that one day we'll both be able to let all of this go...no more sadness, no more anger, just acceptance and appreciation. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm trying to get there.

Lastly, and on a completely different note, thank you for your Easter texts! I didn't receive them until after I got back from camping, but I did want to let you know that they came through and they made me smile. I hope you had a great Easter, and I miss you too.

Well, I think my brain has completed its fart. I love you, and thank you again for your honesty. You didn't have to tell me all those things and make yourself vulnerable like that, and I appreciate that you did. I miss you pretty girl, and I am so soo SOOO happy for you. Goodnight, sleep tight.

Always,
~Kae

written by  snookyferrit on March 27, 2008 from Dunedin, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Mel and Kae's Craaaaaaazzzzy Blog
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