Change (Rob)

People say that change is good. I have never had to make such decisions in my life. Where am I going, what am I doing, what is in store for me? These are some of my questions that I can’t answer right now. But it is a great opportunity to reconnect with my family. It’s been 2 years since I have seen any of them. Last time, not unlike current circumstances, was to take care of my grandmother while she was recovering from her surgery due to breast cancer. Sometimes, things get better. I wish that was the case for her. 2 years later and I’m back – considering how I can help. I won’t go into the details of what “care” may encompass as I have heard stories from my mother. I am hoping that my mom will continue some of her duties. I hope that my duty is for being there, handling doctor visits, and providing company when she needs it. I’m not sure what I am going to do when my grandmother is gone.

One thing that I don’t bring up very much is my childhood. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They offered me a second home when times were not so great in my own household. Grandpa would always have a Klondike bar waiting for me. We would watch WWF, even though I hated it. I don’t know why – grown men in tight clothing? I would think that it would be right up my alley at the time. But no, I just thought it was silly. Grandma would always be there to play games with. We used to play gin rummy, Uno, dice, Trouble and Sorry. These were all games that I was 100% out to win. In Trouble, for instance, I would stop at nothing to make her pawn piece be sent home. For me, it wasn’t about winning the game, it was just to see the reaction on her face and hear her call me “You little shit!” or some other naughty word that generally doesn’t come out of her mouth. That’s what made it so funny. I did my best to make her use swear words.

My trip began with saying “see you later” to a number of people. Len was not easy for me because he is dealing with a lot of the same stuff that my grandmother is – just on a different level. He constantly deals with good days and bad days. There is a part of me that feels like I am abandoning him by going. Joe, comes next. This was tough for me. I have grown attached to the boy. I would never say that we were the perfect fit. I think that’s what I like about it. There’s something there that makes me want to look into his life and see what makes him who he is and do what he does. I’m not his general type either. Sometimes the ideal of the ‘perfect’ match evolve. My thoughts are quite different than they were last year. My coworkers were next. They were a little easier. I have spent a bit of time with them lately, and although I will miss them, I will have the same conversations with them as I have in the past – just over email / phone. Vineeta was different. We had a little bit of a rocky start. Now, I know that it was hard to say good-bye, so I just left quickly. She would seriously make me cry pretty easy. I haven’t had to say anything to James yet. We have one huge, emotional trip ahead. There’s so so much to say on this subject, but I’m going to hold out for now. I’m sure there is much more to come later.

I crossed the San Diego county line today. That was the last sign that this is all happening. San Diego doesn’t feel like my home anymore. My bed/furniture is just where I left it, but I am not spending my time there. I’ll be coming back to ‘visit’ until the final days. Things are going to be different. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure when. But this trip is all ready changing me. I’m sure it will all be for the good.

Rob

San Diego, United States