honesty

As for me, I'm going to be very honest right now, and I hope it doesn't hurt you in any way. It's hard for me to hear about everything you left behind on Long Island, how happy you were and how much you love people who can no longer be in your life. Not that I don't want you to be happy...happiness was all I wanted for you since the beginning, especially when we were dating...but that's the point. I feel like I worked soooo hard while we were dating, pushing you to take care of yourself and reach for happiness/healthiness, and I was met with so much opposition, often at the expense of my own emotions. And the happiness you've found in the last year is yours...YOU worked for it, and I am so proud of you. At the same time, however, I can't help but feel that Meg and Suzie and Vinny and everyone reaped the fruits of my labors in addition to yours...I endured a lot of heartache when we were together and still didn't get to see the side of you that they got to...that side of you came later after I ran out of the picture for the sake of my own growth. I know that none of this has to do with me, the Meg thing doesn't have to do with me, but it hurts to know that you had the potential to be the person you were for her all along, but you couldn't do it for me. It hurts that you would risk going to prison for her, but you wouldn't see a psychiatrist for me. While I understand that you were a different person during Meg time and Kae time and that kind of growth cannot be forced, it is still difficult for me to hear you talk about Meg time...it kind of reawakens feelings of abandonment for me. I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm soooo sorry you're in pain over having to leave NY and nothing that happened to you was fair...but I'm still not sure I want to hear about how much you love her/them/your old life. I'm not saying this to hurt you...I'm just being honest about how it makes ME feel. I'm happy to talk to you about Florida and your future plans and whatnot, and I hope we'll always be able to talk about that...but I'm not ready to talk about other people that you love, other people that you sacrificed for.

On a completely different and less heavy note, I have the Flu from Hell, and Emily is supposed to come from Philadelphia to visit me this weekend...it will be the first time she's made it to NY in the four years we've been back east, and I have the Plague. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think? I'm not allowing myself to leave my house, not that I really could if I wanted to...Julia had to go grocery shopping for me yesterday coz I was all out of food, but I was too weak to go to the store...it was really sweet of her/pathetic on my part. I've been sleeping about 17 hours a day...I feel like a cat. On an even different note, did I tell you that Ellie--Hannah's mom--moved to Vermont for the last semester that Hannah is here? She quit her job--it's about time, she's hated it for years--and rented out her house in Auburn and totally relocated to be out in the woods/fresh air...that woman is my hero. If I get better before spring break, I definitely want to go visit them.

Okay, I've been awake for about three hours, and now I think I should go to bed again. Take care and keep running...it sounds like it's been very therapeutic for you! Absorb as much sun and happy nature energy as possible. :)

Love,
Kae

written by  snookyferrit on March 5, 2009 from Bronxville, United States
from the travel blog: Mel and Kae's Craaaaaaazzzzy Blog
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