... - Blogabond

Okay. I'm going to be as delicate with this as I can. Number one, I did not risk jail time for Meg, I moved away to avoid it. I never thought it would come to that, (even when the red flags went up- I ignored them, believing that I deserved happiness with another person again, with someone who I care about that was willing to give me a chance). It took so much work to get to this place in my life, and I WANTED to share it with you in the same way I did with her, and them. I’ve always understood you, where your decisions have come from, and though at times I wanted to fight longer and harder, I didn’t (or at least tried not too)… because I want you to be happy too… I’ve always wanted that… and I knew that you had to move on, for your own sake. I knew that I’d poisoned any future we had together. I can’t take back what I did to you, I will never stop wishing I could. But the life I built for me- I built out of what was left… anything good I could salvage. I made a big, selfish mistake letting go of what we had, but I never had any intention of abandoning you. But that’s something you have to realize on your own, if you ever do… not something I can really prove. And I’ve been fighting to this point, just to simply keep you in my life. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve that, but I have nothing left to lose, really… it’s better to try. You think it was easy for me, coming to terms with you and Dimo… not only being together, but having something serious, healthy and good together? Everything I was dying to give you? Everything that could have been, that’s been resting on my shoulders all this time… all the words blaring in my head, “Fool! Idiot! Selfish!”, beating myself up . It took me what felt like forever to finally allow myself to forgive (myself), move on, and admit that it truly was over. I allowed myself to give someone else a chance. For my own sake. And though you’ll always have such a special place in my heart, I had to let go, and realize that I would never have that chance with you again, and by letting other people pass me by, I was not giving myself a chance to re-experience love again, either… and there is only one life. I don’t want to re-open wounds with you. I don’t want to hurt you. I will forever acknowledge the hurt and pain you went through (those words probably understatements), and will always view myself as responsible. I know you helped me, I’ll be the first to tell anyone… “they” all know that too. I don’t want to lose you again. I am here for you, as a friend. I will always be. I won’t mention her or them anymore, if it bothers you. I’ll keep the conversation light... I don’t know if you ever even thought about this, but… You’re part of what I left behind in NY too. I wanted to see you again, be there for your graduation, have Christa over, try to work on our friendship before you go away. It’s not just them… it’s my family, my other friends, you and missed opportunities. I was looking forward to having you back in my life. I’m not hurt by your honesty, at least not deeply. More concerned than anything. I just hope I haven’t pushed you further away somehow.

Things have been okay. Finding a job here is hard… I’m 2.5 seconds away from applying at hooters… as like, a dishwasher or something… I’ve read “The lovely bones” by Alice Sebold, “Just after sunset”, By Stephen King. “Survivor” by Chuck Palahniuk, and I’m in the middle of “Compelling evidence”, By Steve Martini (Do you think he made up that last name?). I still have no friends my age here. I tried with this guy named John, around the corner. He’s a surfer guy who works at some taco hut… he bought my mother and I dinner and beers one night… but it turns out he’s a coke addict and a drunk. I might try with this kid Ade, the next door neighbor, but word of mouth is that he likes me… and I’m already made tired, just thinking about it. I have the car I can use, but I don’t have money… so a bar or club is out of the question. And nobody really goes to the beach right now, because it’s cold(er, than usual)… It’s mostly crazy surfers and middle aged people. So, I’m like… aggh. I almost stopped this guy on Rockledge Blvd. ( He was walking one way, I was jogging the other)… He looked about my age, and seemed artsy enough … I almost did it, but became self-conscious last minute (I was all too aware of the fact that I was sweating, and my face was probably plump and red, and I was panting and out of breath… I was afraid of scaring him away, which I’m pretty sure I managed to do, anyway)… so I smiled ackwardly, changed the music on my ipod, and left. I guess I’m banking on a job for everything… Working was my life for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to make friends any other way. (Don’t feel guilty if you laugh, I’m laughing at myself right now…:-P)…

I’m sorry that you’re sick :-/… I hope you feel better soon, especially in time for Emily to come out. I hope you do… if it’s not too ackward, tell her I said “Hi”… As far as Julia going shopping for you, that’s what friends are for. And I think it’s fraggen awesome that Ellie is moving to Pennsylvania! That’s so crazy, and sooo cool! How does Hannah feel about it? I’m gonna’ go… Mom’s friends from Canada are here to visit… they brought a ton of Canadian beer, and they’re telling campfire stories, so I should get in on that… I told them, while showing them around the river, about our camping trip with the bears and the truck and the panic alarm and us and tony calling back and forth, tent to tent, in fright. They were laughing hysterical. Love you too…

-Mel

written by

snookyferrit on March 5, 2009 from Rockledge, United States

from the travel blog: Mel and Kae's Craaaaaaazzzzy Blog

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