The Last Australian Adventure: Part 1

The initial plan was to move to Sydney before Mardi Gras, find work and live there until my visa expired but I love my job at the Sporties and didn't see the point in uprooting myself right at the end of my visa in order to go through the whole job search thing again when I had one here to come back to so I did that thing that Normal People With Normal Lives do.

I went on a two week holiday.

Despite the fact I believe that buses were put on this earth to enhance human suffering I decided to get one to Sydney on account of the fact I don't think that my nerves could have withstood negotiating and parking in a city that size after spending so long in places like Broome and Alice Springs. If Cairns terrified me when I first got there then Sydney would be the end of me, they'd find me curled up in some dark corner of Kings Cross weeping gently and dark corners in Kings Cross aren't places you want to be.

Ella Va'Lay Surprise

I dragged myself to the transit centre to alternate between sitting in the air conditioning with my head on the table and kneeling in front of the toilet. Thankfully the bus was half empty and I had two seats to curl up on with my face in my pillow, praying to whatever god that would listen that I would follow them for eternity if they'd just stop the bus from smelling like air freshener.

17 hours on a coach isn't as bad as it sounds though. No, really it isn't. We got two stops at roadhouses for pie consumption and they showed a couple of movies. The rest of the time I slept off the hang over and before we knew it we were pulling into Central station at some god awful hour in the morning. I got a train to Kings Cross, checked into Mates Place backpackers where I cracked open a beer then resumed sleeping because sleeping is good practice for relaxing.

Well, might as well start as you mean to go on.

Loody, Me And Darragh; Starting As We Meant To Go On

Dykes On Bikes Bike And Tattoo Show: 24/02/08
Dykes On Bikes. The girls that lead the Mardi Gras parade every year because if you didn't let them they'd punch you.

Ride With Pride

Bikes...

Dykes...

I had an awesome day though, it was perfect weather for sitting in a beer garden getting slowly drunk and the two girls who played there, I think they were called Blue House, rocked. I love afternoon drinking.

As promised there were bikes and tattoos as well as a raffle, a wet t-shirt competition, and a singing man who had a great voice but there was far too much thrusting considering he was performing to a room full of lesbians.

And A Tattoo Show

And I use the word "ladies" with tongue firmly in cheek.

Ultimate Tourist
There are a number of things that are compulsory to see in and around Sydney or you'll be pointed at in the street and mocked by your peers. One is Kings Cross, with its reputation for being a dodgy, seedy strip of nightclubs, some people say it's cleaned up its act in recent years and indeed it might have. I only got offered drugs three times and a hooker once, which amused me, there were two of them and as I wandered past one of them asked me if I wanted a girl. I politely declined their kind offer of minge and as I passed them I heard the other say, "that is a girl..." Dammit those C-cups always give it away.

Two others are an opera house and a bridge that is conveniently located over a harbour in Sydney. You might have heard of them. They must be photographed repeatedly from every available angle in order to inflict maximum suffering on those who are foolish enough to ask if you got lots of nice photos of your holiday while you hang over their shoulder and give them a full running commentary.

Come on then, lets get it over with...

Standard Sydney Tourist Shot

They are cool though and they make you feel like you're really in Sydney, its something you see so much in other peoples photographs so to actually be standing there and looking at it is sort of surreal. I didn't even realise the Opera House was actually three buildings.

Having a personal tour guide helps, Nat who I know from the pub and her friend Alan who lives in Sydney picked me up and took me on a magical mystery tour around Sydney and out to Watson Bay where you get to see the city as it's sometimes best seen; from a distance.

Nat, Alan And Me At The Chinese Gardens

Sydney From A Distance

The Boys Chillin' On Bondi Beach

We frolicked in the ocean, got dumped by a few waves and sat on the sand, soaking up the Sydney sunshine.

Then we got over it and went to the pub.

The Blue Mountains: 28/02/08
The Blue Mountains are only about 90 minutes away from Sydney and get their name from bluish haze caused by oils evaporating from the eucalyptus trees. Can't really see it through fog and rain though and when we went it was pissing it down but me, Nat, AJ and Alan had a brilliant time anyway thanks to the company and the rum.

Three Sisters

First stop was the Three Sisters, accessible from Katoomba. Yes, it's a rock formation, even this far into civilisation Australia can't resist throwing a rock or two into the photograph but it looked fucking wicked with the fog rolling in. You know when you're in an aeroplane and you look out of the window and you see all this cloud but you can't photograph it because it never takes properly and the flash reflects off the window and you get half the wing in anyway?

That. But without the bad in-flight movie and a complete stranger drooling on your shoulder.

After a quick pit stop at the bottle shop to stock up on cans and comedy stubby coolers Alan drove us to the Jenolan Caves because caves are brilliant. I could look at caves all day, they're soooo pretty, I don't know how they can have walls that shiny and textured and expect people not to maul them. It was all I could do not to lick them.

AJ With Drink

Nat And Her New Woman

We ended up checking out Lucas Cave, their biggest, with a massive tour group which meant it took longer than the supposed 90 minutes to get through but we entertained ourselves with tourist photos and by freaking the guide out because AJ couldn't keep her hands off the walls.

Don't Touch The Walls!

Alan, Nat, AJ And Me

After the caves we fully intended to drive back to Sydney via Wentworth Falls but two bottle shop stops later and it became apparent we'd missed them and Alan's SatNav on his phone had no concept of No Right Turn and one way systems. We gave up on the idea of the falls because there was plenty of water falling from the sky anyway and returned to the city.

And of course the local bottle shop.

Honourable Mention
The Lindt Cafe at Martin Place has maybe about eight toasted sandwiches to choose from then two pages worth of chocolate desserts that make your teeth hurt just looking at them and would have dentists drooling over money to be made from the potential root canals. It's the kind of menu you read whilst making orgasm noises and trying to work out if you really need all of your teeth, finally deciding that molars are over rated anyway and can I have this side of the menu please? God it's amazing though, I had profiteroles and a hot chocolate which is served as a jug of steamed milk and a little pot of melted chocolate. It's so so very awesome.

I left feeling a little bit sick in a comforting way and completely unable to face anything with a sugar content for at least 24 hours.

Ish. 24 hours ish.

Give or take an hour. Or five.