Look Mum, I'm In A Drag Show

I hate being on stage, I always have, I'll avoid it as much as possible but sometimes it can't be helped like that time I was sent on stage at Connections to pick the whips up or the time they put me on stage in front of about 15000 people to set up a prop at the Kylie gig in Perth. I know its only a big deal in my own head, no one else cares or is even paying much attention so it's doable with only minor psychological scarring and the nightmares go away after a few days.

I have vague recollections of being dragged onto stage on my birthday, sipping an Ella Va'Lay Surprise (surprise, you've lost the use of your basic motor functions) but again, being pissed helped and everything else was drowned out by the sound of liver caving in on itself.

Then there's the Sportsman Hotel Annual Drag show which this year happened to fall on my last night on the bar. This meant I would still be staff and with it being a staff drag show an all that I'd be expected to perform. On stage. In front of people that were actually looking at me!

Me As Anthony Canlicker

I toyed with the idea of deportation or sustaining some sort of crippling injury during a freak accident but I kinda need a good track record in order to get into other countries and I generally don't move around enough to cause myself a mischief so I resigned myself to the fact and me and Chris decided we were going to do Kids by Kylie and Robbie and anyway, how hard could girl-to-boy drag be?

Anthony Canlicker And Alana Speed

The hardest part was working out how to strap my tits down, they're c-cups, they don't just invert y'know so after extensive experimentation with bandages I ended up just wearing a sports top underneath a shirt. My package was easy enough, I stuffed enough socks in my knickers to make a donkey blush and now I get it, I finally realise why blokes adjust themselves so much. A bulge is a really convenient place to rest your hand during any other one handed task such as driving, drinking beer or flipping through TV channels, for the entire time I had it in I couldn't for the life of me remember what I usually did with the other hand during the aforementioned tasks but then this is why blokes cant multitask; "Can't do anything with the other hand right now, dear, I'm very busy holding my crotch."

Finally, Sasha drew a beard on me and darkened my eyebrows to complete the look and I spent the night trying to resist the urge to scratch my imaginary bollocks in front of a room full of people and wondering who I should start a fight with at the kebab van later on coz he looked at my bird funny ok?

Olivia Kuntz

Alana Speed

Y'know I've never been so scared in my whole life, ever. I can't recall a time I felt that sick because I had to do something I was reluctant to do. I don't actually remember much of being on stage, I don't know if I remembered to mime or not, I remember bits and bobs and just wanting to get off stage at the end and Chris not letting me by the time I did get off I was a sweating, shaking wreck. Despite the date on the bottom of this post I was in Fiji by the time I got the bottle up to watch the video back.

It seems I have an abject inability to shimmy, one or both shoulders forget what they're meant to be doing resulting in something resembling a minor fit and there wasn't much dancing so much as wandering aimlessly round the stage waving my arms about occasionally but hey, I did remember to mime. Bella Chimes (Chris) was brilliant though, no way on this earth could I have gotten up there on my own and while she was dragging me back on stage against my will she said some awesome things that I wasn't expecting so thanks again :)

I had a top time working at the Sporties, everyone has been brilliant, both the staff and patrons. The boys (and some of the girls...) that drink there are some of the warmest, funniest people I've ever met and they made me welcome right from my first day. I love the atmosphere there, the look on the faces of the people who haven't worked out where they are when a 7' drag queen sashays past, watching the pool comps and whiling the day shifts away chatting to the regulars.

The Good Ol' Sporties

Yep, I'm gonna miss working at a place where at the mention of a boys vs girls pool comp where everyone has to wear a dress the girls groan in horror and the boys start picking out their outfit.

written by

Koala Bear on May 6, 2008 from Brisbane, Australia

from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz

tagged Work and Bollocks

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