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South West Loop: Day 1

Kalgoorlie, Australia

It's a weird one is Kal, it's a mining town with a populaton of about 30000, 80% of which are blokes. The roads are really, really wide (goes back to when camels were the main form of transport, you can't back a camel train up so they just made the roads wider to turn them round instead) which makes jaywalking an extreme sport and the main form of entertainment are the skimpy barmaids.

Ah, skimpies.

They made our time in Kal that much more fun. They wear lingerie behind the bar and go round with a jug called the Titty Kitty (which we never get asked to donate to on account of having breasts of our own) then they disappear for a while and return with stickers on their nipples.

Apart from drooling and planning a three day hike to cross the road the only other things to do in Kalgoorlie - Boulder are visit the Super Pit and one of their many fine brothels. So we did.


Super Pit
It's an incomprehensibly large hole in the ground where they dig for gold, you know, with it being a gold mining town an all.


A Huge Fucking Hole In The Ground

Too Big To Fit In One Photo


A Sod Off Great BIg Bucket

Not Just A Pit... A SUPER Pit

They have blasts a few times a week which you can go and watch but the one that was on while we were there was right at the bottom of the pit so apart from a small rumble we didn't see or feel much.

Meh. Cop out. Its a free way to kill a few minutes though and believe me, after a day in Kalgoorlie - Boulder you'll be looking for anything to kill a few minutes.


Langtrees Brothel Tour


Langtrees 181 Brothel
I think there are quite a few brothels here but at least three of them run tours so we opted for the $35 Langtrees 181 tour because that seemed the classier option and as you know, me and Loody are all about the class. They don't let you take photos though so check out their website (http://www.langtrees.com) and see all the rooms they have. One of my personal faves is the Holden On Room despite being a Ford driver. See, I can put our differences behind us in the name of taste and decency.

As well as hiring out girls they hire out the rooms to couples (or however many, they have a Roman Orgy Room) and one of them has a big TV for watching porn (or a Disney movie, whatever takes your fancy) and a video camera mounted on the wall so you can make your own.
Porn or a Disney movie that is. Hey, I don't judge.

I'd rent it but I've got no one to rent it with and $250 per night seems a bit steep just to have a nice sleep.


Drinking And Girls


Us, The Lads And A Skimpy
So all that was left was to check out the skimpies. We got gooned up at the hostel (hey, we'd already had our daily dose of class at Langtrees init) then headed to The Exchange Hotel. I'd love to give you a coherant and sensible write up but we both know that's not gonna happen on account of the fact that the braincells that weren't killed over Easter died a death this night.


The Exchange Hotel

The Only Way To Travel In Kal

The night was spent tearing round the streets in shopping trollies, meeting randoms, molesting the statue of Hannan (the founder of Kal), dancing outside the brothel because they had good tunes and generally perving.

Fucking awesome night out.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 11, 2007 from Kalgoorlie, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and SouthWestLoop
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South West Loop: Day 2

Norseman, Australia


Best Breaky In Town
We woke up nursing a hangover and rolled out of bed in search of breakfast and in true Kalgoorlie style we rocked up to Hannan's Hotel for a skimpy brekky - The Best Brekky In Town. Certainly one with the best view ("It's at the bottom of the fridge, darl, at the back..."). They have a 6am licence so the night shift workers can get their beer and boobs fix and the food is cheap and greasy. My favourite. The atmosphere was obviously different from last night, there were only a handful of lads in and they were chilled out and friendly.


Wot You Lookin' At?
After we munched our hash browns, got our internet fix at the overpriced internet cafe and completed the slow and painful rehydration process we collected our new Canadian friend whos name at this point we couldn't remember and headed to the Coolgardie Camel Farm ($4.50 each entry, $5.50 for a short camel ride, $18 for half an hour round the paddock and $30 for an hours bush trek)

We found out all kinds of fun and exciting things about camels such as they have a Split top lip, they crush food between their bottom teeth and a hard top gum, they stink and they're ugly. We were also told that they can kick forwards, backwards and sideways. We slowly backed away before we got roundhoused by a ninja dromedary.


Me And Loody Go Trekking

Me, Loody, Kim And A Camel

The camel farm is good for a laugh and a handy way to find out someones name if you've known them too long to actually ask it. We got her to sign the visitors book, her name's Kim but she abandonded us in Norseman anyway where we spent the night as she met a mate (who, randomly, knows our mate Bex coz she works at the Travellers in Esperance) who was heading all the way to Esperance that day and for some reason that appealed to her more than sleeping in a cold, damp, one man tent next to two drunk lesbians in swags.

Pah. Some people have no sense of adventure.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 12, 2007 from Norseman, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and SouthWestLoop
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South West Loop: Day 3

Cape Le Grand National Park, Australia

Esperance hasn't had much luck recently. It was devastated by a cyclone a couple of months ago then the birds started falling out of the sky on account of lead poisoning then elevated and dangerous levels of lead were found in and around the port, in rainwater tanks and in people.

And what day do we rock up?

Friday the fucking 13th.

Oh joy.


Nommage
We decided to offset the potential misfortune so after meeting Becky for lunch at the famous Beryl's Eats (oft mentioned on Nathan and Nat in the morning on Nova 93.7) we headed to Lucky Bay at the Cape Le Grand National Park ($10 per car to get in, camping is $7.50 per person per night), about 60km east of Esperence which can be described with two simple words.

Fucking. Stunning.


White Sands, Crystal Ocean

Paradise (If You Can Ignore The Hyperthermia)

With its white sands and clear, turquoise ocean you could be forgiven for thinking you'd died and gone to heaven and there'd be free chocolate cake and vodka when you got back to camp. The illusion is somewhat shattered when you attempt to swim in the aforementioned clear, turquoise ocean though, it might be WA but its still the south coast, its bloody freezing, you could have hung yer coat off my nipples.

We decided that attempting to fish would be the way forward. I say attempt, we can both chuck a line in and sometimes fish get stuck to it but we haven't actually got a bloody clue what we're doing.


The Only Way To Fish

Dusk At Lucky Bay

Well the fish had a good feed at our expense anyway and one of them did decide that the shiny, pointy thing looked tasty so after ripping the hook from its tender flesh and traumatising the hell out of the poor bugger I lobbed it back in.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 13, 2007 from Cape Le Grand National Park, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and SouthWestLoop
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South West Loop: Day 4

Esperance, Australia


Lucky Bay At Dawn

At Least Something Looks Good In The Morning

We've had a couple of good views at breakfast recently, we have. There was the skimpy in Kalgoorlie and this morning we munched on our beans and sketti whilst admiring the view from the top of Frenchman Peak at the National Park. Ok, so it took us half an hour up some pretty steep bits to get up the 1.5km to the top and I'm about as surefooted as a crippled giraffe but it was worth it.


Breakfast Of Champions
No, really, it was worth nearly getting holes in the arse of my trousers as I slid back down because standing up really wasn't working for the abject fear of dying on the side of a hill I had. Why oh why do I continue to put myself through these climbing things? Its not like I'm even getting much exercise, I generally crawl up on my belly and slide down on my arse, clinging onto rock face for dear, sweet life and not actually having much fun.


Frenchman Peak

At The Top

Oh yeah, that's right, its pretty at the top. Man I'm so easily bought with shiny things.


Sammy The Sealion
Esperance is all about the beaches and the Saturday was overcast and threatening rain, not exactly beach weather even by my dodgy British standards. We also couldn't find anywhere to stay before 4pm because the hostels didn't open until then so we couldn't even start drinking and we didn't fancy checking into a camp site with the weather the way it was. We might be mad but we're not fucking stupid. So we resorted to our new hobby - Pretending To Fish. We headed past Sammy The Sealion down to the end of the jetty and got chatting to Mitchell, a 12 year old local lad who knows his shit.


Mitchell
Mitchell loves fishing and he's good at it, he showed us how to kill, scale, gut and fillet a fish and even how to catch herring with a straw instead of bait. I felt so feral, maybe tomorrow I'd go hunting roos with a spear or grow my own vegetables or something. It turned into a wicked day, the sun came out, we saw some dolphins and we even went home with fish we'd caught ourselves and full instructions on how to cook them. See its not just an adventure, its a fucking education.

I wonder which goon would go well with lead laced herring.


Catching Dinner

Appetising, No?


Cleaning Our Tiny Din Dins

Yeah It's Not Much But It's Ours

That night we picked Becky up from the Traveller's Inn where she worked and headed down to The Pier, Esperance's excuse for a nightclub, and got hopelessly trashed. Loody staggered home before midnight but me and Becky decided that sleep was overrated and kept on through the night, stumbling back to the hostel at 7.30am after a 3km walk back along the beach as the sun rose over the islands.


Sunrise Over Esperance

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 14, 2007 from Esperance, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and SouthWestLoop
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South West Loop: Day 6

Hopetoun, Australia

Having made a miraculous recovery from the (coughs)lead poisoning(coughs) me and the Loodmeister found ourselves with time to kill while we waited for Becky to sort her shit out, get paid, say goodbye etc so we headed off to the Great Ocean Drive Tourist Loop which consists of pretty views, a wind farm and the reknowned Pink Lake.


Great Ocean Drive Tourist Loop

10 Mile Lagoon Wind Farm


The Allegedly Pink Lake
Not quite pink though, is it. More of a Pinkish But Only In A Certain Light And If You Have A Liberal Definition Of What Actually Constitutes Pink Lake but that's not quite as catchy now is it. It killed some time though and if you're gonna go to Esperance you might as well check it out, there really are some good views but call me a hardened cynical bitch, you've seen one beautiful ocean view you've seen them all, right?

We picked Becky up at around one and dragged her away from her friends in tears. Oh come on, it was for the best, we were gonna take her on an exciting adventure, a fun filled roller coaster ride, a magical mystery tour. We were gonna take her to.... Hopetoun!


Damn Hippies

God I hope she doesn't hate us forever.

Hopetoun is a Bum Fuck Nowhere town roughly halfway between Esperance and Albany so we'd decided to break the journey up and stop there for the night so we checked into a campsite where we met Butch.

Butch suits his name, he's an ex-bikey, a huge fella with more ink than skin and devil horns tattooed on his forehead. He gave us a cup of sugar for Becky's tea, invited us to sit round his fire and cooked us a massive BBQ of all kinds of meat products. The freezing cold and the promise of a feast overrode the Wolfe Creek Moment and we joined him for the evening.


Butch

Wolfe Creek Moment

See, this is why so many backpackers go missing; We're far too easily bought with Free Stuff.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 16, 2007 from Hopetoun, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged RoadTrip, LovinIt and SouthWestLoop
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South West Loop: Day 7

Albany, Australia

Aside from posing in front of a windmill and pissing ourselves laughing at Becky refusing to get in the car on account of two horses who seemed to think she was made of grass and polo mints blocking the way the journey to Albany was uneventful.


Attempting To Look Dutch

Niiiiiice Horsey

So was Albany. We were handed a Buy One Get One Free beer token for a local pub when we checked into Albany Backpackers (we recommend this hostel on account of the free coffee and cake) and we decided it would be shockingly rude to refuse. Well we wouldn't want to upset them now would we and of course you can't just go into a pub and spend a beer token, its only polite to stay for a few more.

The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur.

That bloody lead poisoning must have come back.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 17, 2007 from Albany, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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South West Loop: Day 8

Denmark, Australia


Dog (ish) Rock
If you're a town in Australia with not much going for it, why not make things look like other things using only the power of suggestion. For example, why not tell people that a rock looks like a dog, call it Dog Rock, make a huge thing about it and put it on every postcard. Trust me, people will come and take photos of it. I guess it does look a bit like a dog though... If you stand at exactly the right angle, close one eye and squint with the other.

After doing the obligatory tourist things with rocks and stocking up on goon we headed to Torndirrup National Park to marvel at The Natural Bridge and The Gap.

I use the term "marvel" loosely.


The Gap

The Natural Bridge

The Gap is quite literally a gap in the cliffs whereas Natural Bridge is some rocks that join other rocks together thus naturally forming a bridge like structure. How do they always make these things seem so much more impressive in the postcards?


Me, Bexster And The Loodmeister

Posing

We amused ourselves by taking photos of aforementioned gaps and rocks and of each other and headed off to Denmark for a BBQ by the river because we'd walked up some steps today and had earnt the right to a plate of fried spuds and grease.

And we genuinely wondered why we gained weight on this road trip.


Staple Diet Of Spuds And Grease

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 18, 2007 from Denmark, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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South West Loop: Day 9

Walpole, Australia

These books are indispensible:

Seriously, if you're a tight arse or just a bit skint they will save you a fortune in accommodation expenses as long as you're of the school of thought that facilities are unnecessary and hygiene is overrated. Suited us. Last night was our first free campsite, a rest stop about 16km out of Denmark. Once you stop seeing shapes in the dark and get over the fear of being brutally murdered you start to realise that free camping is the only way to spend the night. No check out times, no curfews for noise, no one to offend with over zealous singing of songs that contain the word "cunt."

You just have to remember to get out of your feral free camping habits by the time you check into a pay site.

Today we headed up the river on a paddleboat where we learnt exactly why Becky doesn't have a drivers license. Me and Loody got butch and peddled while Becky steered. Well, kind of steered, I now know what the Denmark River looks like through my fingers anyway.


Licenced For 3 People (Provided One Of Them Has No Legs)

This Took me Forever And I Still Failed

Later we headed up to Walpole and checked into Coalmine campsite which is without a doubt one of my favourite pay sites. They let you have a camp fire and the showers are awesome. Here's a handy hint; if you're after saving water don't make showers so as people don't want to get out of them. Try installing those power ones with the really fine jets of water that hurt your nipples if you turn round to face it instead like they have in most hostels. I also recommend cockroaches and a definite stench of urine.


Sampling The $16.50 Goon

Ming

We chilled here for the night drinking the worlds most disgusting overpriced goon (its all we could get at short notice when the horrific realisation set in that we were about to run out) until the heavens opened and quite literally pissed on our bonfire.

It was at this point we remembered why we were heading north for the winter.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 19, 2007 from Walpole, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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South West Loop: Day 10

Pemberton, Australia


Bex And Loody; The Valley Of The Giants
After the wonders of Dog Rock and the Natural Bridge we decided we couldn't possibly take any more rock related excitement. Fortunately, Walpole is the home of the Valley Of The Giants tree top walk, for about $8 you get to take a stroll through the tingle trees from a bird's eye height with not a single Rock With Name to photograph because you feel obliged to. After the rain scuppered our carefully laid plans to get drunk round the fire on nasty goon we hoped that it hadn't caused them to close the walk, after all, they did say they closed it in adverse weather.

Turns out that our idea of adverse weather had become somewhat perverted after spending so long in a Perth summer. If it drops below 25C we break out the thermals and huddle round the fire with a Cup-A-Soup, a few drops of rain and we worry about flash floods and drowing. I don't think I could cope with English weather ever again.


Valley Of The Giants Walk

40 Metres Up

One of the first things we saw as we got to the walkway was a warning sign, dripping with rain water, stating "Slippery When Wet." Hmm, comforting. And the walkways sway. What the hell kinda sadist designs walkways 40 metres up in the air that fucking sway?? Still, if you're in the area you should check it out although its not as long, high or scary as the Otways Skywalk that me and Kliff did on the Great Ocean Road.


Wanna Root?

After The Millionth Pic You Get Creative

By the time you get down, if you haven't had enough of trees you can check out the Ancient Empire Walk which is just a quick stroll though some more tingle trees. Hey, if tingle trees are all you have you might as well milk it for all it's worth init. They have massive holes in the trunk where they've been rotted by fungus or eaten by creatures and with this in mind we still got in them all for a photo op. Relentless tourists? Us??

And and and! Guess what else you can go and see in Walpole?! No, go on, guess....

The Great Tingle Tree! The biggest tingle tree of them all!

Shall I wait awhile while you contain your excitement?


Inside The Great Tingle Tree

Its Great... Its A Tingle Tree... Its THE Great Tingle Tree


Fuckin' Waaaaasted!
Anyway, it was onwards to Pemberton and a Minimal Fee Site (read: Free If The Ranger Doesn't Catch You Site) at Big Brook Arbetorum with drop toilets (it's advisable to practise Not Breathing if you ever have to use one of these things) a fire pit, a huge stack of wood to burn and a rusty plate that swung over the fire for cooking on. I strongly advise you never to attempt to cook on these things unless you think the rust will add a desirable texture to your fried spuds. We're usually alone in these places but this time there was an older couple on the other side of the site. I'm sure they enjoyed our repeated renditions of London Underground, an expletive filled song about the perils of travelling on the London Underground sung to the tune of The Jam's Going Underground, which had become the anthem for the trip and the power ballads we belted out through the thick blanket of goon that enveloped our brains.

And this is why we free camp as much as possible.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 20, 2007 from Pemberton, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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South West Loop: Day 11

Margaret River, Australia


Gloucester Tree
Today we would be climbing the irrationally tall Gloucester Tree, the tallest bush fire lookout tree in the world and they still use it today if the planes can't fly. There are three trees in the area you can climb, the Diamond Tree is a bush fire lookout but not as tall and the Bicentennial Tree is the tallest but it's just a tourist attraction, it's never been used for bush fire lookouts. We settled for just the one, our interest in trees was beginning to wane.

In preparation we cooked up some bacon and eggs on the BBQ at Big Brook Dam because we would be earning the grease later then headed off to see what all the fuss was about.

It's one of those situations where you stand at the bottom looking up and thinking "why the fuck am I going to climb this thing again?" You get up it using long pegs that are driven into the tree, spiraling up it to the top and the pegs bend when you step on them.

Bend!!

Whats the problem with using proper, solid structures in this part of the world??

Buy hey, we made it to the top, oohed and ahhed at the view and climbed back down because the novelty of being 61 metres higher than normal soon wears off. My arms killed the next day.


Cape Leeuwin Lighthouse

Southern/Indian Ocean

After the trauma had worn off and we'd invested in some well earnt souveniers we headed off to Point Augusta, home of Cape Leeuwin lighthouse and where the Southern and Indian oceans meet. This is worth checking out because you can actually see where they meet, the waves seem to come in a different angles, sort of moving away from each other slightly. Ah bugger it, go check it out yerselves, I can't do all your bloody sightseeing for you now can I.


Where The Oceans Meet


Officially Back On The West Coast
Point Augusta is the most south-westerly point on mainland Australia so this put us officially back on the west coast. Naturally this earnt us a celebration so we got to Margaret River, referred to as Margs by the locals, checked into the Inne Town Backpackers then booked into Goodfellas restaurant because they let you BYO. We rocked up with a cask of goon which they promptly decanted into a bottle and put on ice. See, going up in the world, us. We made mental notes to ditch most of our friends when we got back to Perth on account of them no longer being posh enough for the likes of us.


Note How The Pinky Is Held Aloft Whilst Pouring

Us And Our New Mate, Darko

After we dropped the rest of the goon back at the hostel we kidnapped the hilarious and somewhat camp Darko, our roommate (and yes, Darko is his real name) and headed off to The Settlers for more drinking even though I ended up spending most the night and a whole lot of credit texting Swoop.

I've decided I'm going to have that part of my brain removed that makes me like people until I can afford shares in Optus.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 21, 2007 from Margaret River, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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