Hayley, Jaz, Me And Loody At The Railings For Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras Posse

Matt, Nat, Loody And AJ

The atmosphere was electric, I know I'm not even going to be able to write anything resembling a decent paragraph but it lived up to expectations, I got pissed and had fun and was part of one of the biggest pride events in the world.

It's so easy to get caught up in the moment but so hard to put into words.

Mardi Graaaaaas!

Sky Safari

Taronga Zoo

Well I've Kissed Worse

So me, Loody, Hayley and Jaz (Loody's housemates) embarked on a magical mystery tour with Hayley in the lead brandishing a map. Taronga is definitely one of the best zoos I've been to, you can easily spend a day there and everything is really well displayed and thought out. Even the bird show is surpassed only by the kind of bird show you get in Kings Cross at the seedier clubs.

Grr And Things

Watching Stuff Eat

As well as things you'd expect to find in a zoo such as animals, keeper talks and the ever obligatory reptile show Taronga has all kinds of exciting things such as statues you can climb on but probably aren't meant to and cardboard with holes cut out that you can stick your head through for a comedy photo op. Weirdly though they also have them old style scales at every turn that you put a dollar in and stand on to weigh yourself.

Riiiiide Em!

Gorilla Lurve

So I did and the evil bastard piece of machinery told me I was 70kg.

Seventy! Can't they program these things to lie?

I vowed to cut down on them chicken shish things I'd gotten addicted to and jumped off the scales before the keepers threw me in the elephant enclosure.

Thunder Jet And The Minus 5 Bar - 05/03/08
There are a million things to do in Sydney that I never got round to doing for one reason or another but the things we did do fucking rocked. Today was my last full day in Sydney and Alan and Nat had spent some time the previous day looking on the internet for stuff to do and one of those things was Thunder Jet which is a very fast boat that quite literally gives you a taste of the harbour and beyond. We got there early, paid our $79 and were told that the front was the roughest ride on the boat so me and AJ made sure we got it.

Note The Only Four Not Wearing Ponchos

It's. So. Cool! They give you the option at the beginning to wear a yellow poncho, we decided not to because at the end of the day you're gonna get a soaking whether you're covered in plastic or not then they speed around, getting into the wash of other boats, finding the biggest waves, spinning you round, stopping suddenly and nose diving into the water so that about 1000 litres of water hits you in the face and sloshes around your lungs. Its fucking awesome! And me and Nat were the only two of us four that didn't have bruising from holding on like pussies ;)

Before The Soaking...

...And Piss Wet Through

Afterwards we headed back to Alan's leaving half the harbour trickling off the train to get dry before we went back to Circular Quay and the Minus 5 ice bar. Now this is very very cool, pun fully intended because yes, I'm really that lame. Its a bar made entirely of ice complete with sculptures where they can only serve vodka cocktails because everything else would freeze which is Absolut-ly (ok, I promise I'll stop now) fine by me because vodka is the nectar of the gods.
It's $30 entry and they only give you half and hour in there but to be honest that's all you need, it's about -13 degrees in there. You'll never bitch about the heat again and thank the dear sweet god of insulation for the thick Eskimo coats or my nipples would have taken out half the ice sculptures every time I turned round.

Freezin' Fucking Cold. Vodka Makes It All Good Again.

I'd spent most of my time in Sydney with Alan, Matt, Nat and AJ which was awesome. Alan is a great tour guide and a top bloke and him and the others just made my time in Sydney what is was, it wouldn't have been the same without them, I had an amazing two weeks.

Three Dykes And A Bridge

And as for the most hyped city in the country, Sydney is an awesome place to visit but I totally couldn't live there without selling a kidney and swapping a limb for a new liver.

And All The Debauchery Can Be Found In Glorious Technicolour Here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/sets/72157604103523133/detail/

written by  Koala Bear on March 7, 2008 from Sydney, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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One Tree Hill

One Tree Hill

I'm actually a bit disappointed in the abundence of trees on the alleged One Tree Hill. There's definate tree related activity on that there hill and dammit there's more than one of them. The one tree the name refers to, a Totara, was apparently chopped down years ago. Then it got replaced by a pine tree which was attacked by Maoris and then, well, chopped down. So yeah, it didn't have much luck with its One Tree and all that remains is a stump and a fuck off great big oblisk.

Gregg And Bexster

The Last Bit Of The One Tree

And One Tree Hill is interactive, if you look down into the valley you'll see where people have gathered rocks and made big art such as their names and a large, smiley penis. We made our way down there to make some of our own. Ok well me and Bexster did anyway, Gregg and Kama stood around taking photos and generally mocking our efforts. Slack bastards.

Working Hard

Me, Bex And Our Downs Syndrome Smiley

We stole a circle of stones that was already there, had a brief attack of guilt before deciding that we weren't destroying a great work of art or upsetting anyones dead ancestors and made a slighty spastic looking smiley face.

Cunningly Arranged Rocks

Our Contribution To The NZ Landscape

Mt Eden
After the completion of our Special Needs Smiley and we'd admired it frm the top of the hill we headed to Mt Eden. Apparently you haven't seen Auckland until you've seen it from Mt Eden so we duly rocked up to take more photos of the city from the top of a big hill. The oblisk isn't half as impressive as One Tree Hill but you do get some pretty views and a crazy Asian lady thrusting leaflets about organ harvesting into your hands.

The Four Of Us On Mt Eden

My Girl And Her City

City Of Sails
Random retarded question of the week: "So is there, like, a harbour in Auckland or anything?" I was informed that Auckland IS a harbour then promptly ridiculed. Oh come on, I'm allowed to ask stupid questions, its the tourist in me.

The Harbour

Auckland Harbour Bridge

So the next stop was under the Auckland Harbour (duh!) Bridge for more photo ops and a wander round the marina in the wind. Fuck it was breezy yesterday, probably not the best day to spend mincing around near water or on top of hills but there was one more hill to go.

North Head
Then it was over the bridge to Devenport and North Head where it occured to me that the majority of tourist activities in and around Auckland involve taking photos of the Sky Tower from various look outs and points surrounding the city. I have millions of pictures of it from every angle and I have no idea why because it looks exactly the same no matter where you stand to look at it. I still fucking love it though.

Driving Over The Bridge; Which I Do Every Day

On Top Of North Head

North Head is laced with tunnels all through the hill that you can wander through and explore, its pitch black in parts, darker than a back room at a dodgy gay club but not quite as dodgy on account of all the tourists emerging out of the gloom. You don't really have a chance to give the place a bad reputation. Uh... not that we would, mum...

More About The Girl
And yep, I've met this lass and no, she doesn't seem to have too many Crazy Issues at this stage. She's an Auckland girl who I met at the call centre which means I probably can't keep her once I leave the country, locals just don't travel well once you drag them away from their own bed, couch and their hair straightners, but I'm trying not to think about that at the moment, we're just gonna make the most of what time we have.

A Windswept Kama And Me

Aaaand, I don't think there's much more to tell. She's 21, called Kama, lives out in bloody woop-woop at Muriwai Beach about 45kms west of the city and it amuses me that she always dresses for the office, even on a sightseeing tour of some hills.

Surprised She's Not In Heels An All

Ha, can't wait to see how she copes on the road for 10 days in January.

Photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/sets/72157608780982328/detail/

written by  Koala Bear on November 9, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Anyway, eventually I crammed my life into the Camry and headed out west to pick Andrea up, the lass I'd be travelling with who I met on the internet about three years ago and only met face to face for the first time yesterday. She doesn't appear to have too many psychotic tendencies though but keep an eye out for headlines screaming "English Backpacker Disappears In NZ After Internet Meet". She's originally from Leeds but now lives in Ohio with her fella and her kids and she's also in the Guinness Book Of World Records for having the biggest appendix in the world ever. My only claim to fame is once, in the pub, I staggered up to the guy who used to present Run The Risk, a UK kid's TV program in the 90's and asked, nay, slurred if he was "the bloke off the telly" coz none of us could remember if his name was Simon Peters or Peter Simons. I may or may not have drooled on his shoes. I'm not entirely sure.

I digress.

I picked up my new buddy from her brother's place and we headed off to the Coromandel region, first stop being Hot Water Beach. The aim here is to battle the hoardes of other tourists for a bit of sand to dig a hole in so you can sit in your very own hot spring on the beach.

Sounds easy yeah? It's not. As you dig the hole keeps filling in with waters. You dig, it fills and collapses. You dig some more. You build a small wall to stop the waves from lapping up the shore into your hole but still it fills in. By the end of it you don't want a hot water spring anymore. You want a cold water pool and an esky full of ice and beer. Then you realise you've been digging in the wrong spot anyway and the hot water bit is 5 metres to your right.

And shit is it hot! Yeah yeah, I know the clue is in the name of the place, it's not Tepid Water Beach or Little Bit Toasty Water Beach but seriously, it actually hurts. It should be renamed Really Fucking Hot Water Beach although we were the only ones bitching about it. You can take the pom out of England but you can't take the whinge out of the pom.

You Have No Idea How Long It Took Me To Dig This!

It didn't take too long for the novelty of potential third degree burns to wear off so we headed off to look for a place to crash for the night. I'd told Andrea we'd be camping for most of if not all of this trip on account of my laughable budget and she was like "yeah I love camping!" before remembering she hadn't been camping since she was 13 and that was in her back garden. This could be amusing.

The first place we went to was full, the second wanted at least two of your four limbs for an unpowered site so we headed back up the main road towards a DoC campsite on the map but it was getting late. Then we passed a sign for a bird And animal park at Mill Creek that also had campsites available so we duly swung a left onto an unsealed road. It felt like we were driving for ages up this remote little road in the middle of nowhere, I had visions of mutants emerging from the trees wielding chainsaws and waking up nailed to a wall with one or more of my organs missing as the signal bars on my phone dropped one by one.
Just as we were about to give up and head to the DoC site there was a sign telling us it was 500 metres away so we carried on, followed the campervan sign and stopped. It was deserted. There was an empty caravan with an annex to the left which looked like it had been there forever, to the right was an empty field and a shed thing. Ahead was a little path that lead between some trees and you couldn't see what was on the other side.

I'd seen this movie.

Eventually we found the office round the corner and were greeted by an overtanned hippy lady clutching a duckling who took $12.50 each off us, gave us directions to the showers and told us to feel free to wander round and look at the birds and animals. She wasn't even a little bit sinister.

Andi And Her Tent. Proud As, She Was.

I kinda felt bad for doubting the place because it's actually really cool, they have heaps of farm animals and birds that they care for and the facilities at the campsite are brilliant. I jumped into the shower and a quantity of sand the Sahara would be proud of fell out of my knickers.

I spent the rest of the night expecting a phone call from Hot Water Beach asking for their sand back.

written by  Koala Bear on January 13, 2009 from Mill Creek, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Something Alex seems to talk about alot are JAFAs which is Just Another Fucking Aucklander. They don't seem to like AUckland much in the rest of New Zealand, especially not in Wellington but y'know what? It made me realise how much I do actually love the place. I mean I love travelling round and seeing new places and I love camping out in the middle of nowhere and I love beautiful places in the countryside an all that but I realised that Auckland feels like home. I also realised that I was really going to miss it.

After catching up for a cuppa, we are all English after all, we headed to the wharf for some fishing where Alex managed to lose his $200 sunglasses. It might not have been so bad if we'd caught anything other than leaves but we left the wharf and tried our hand at kayaking and near drowning instead.

Alex And Me

Here's the thing about kayaking, I've done it a million times but I don't recall having to get past surf on a surf beach before. This time we did. Alex cleared the waves and left me and Andrea on the shore, we paddled our little hearts out and managed to get over most of the waves until one came right at us while we were side on and rolled us into the water. We weren't gonna be defeated though, we got back on and got through the waves to where the water was calmer and paddled ourselves out to one of the islands just off shore.

Me And Andi Looking Every Inch The Kayaking Professionals

Getting back was gonna be easy, the pros we were. We paddled ourselves back to shore, through the waves, aiming for the beach at a 45 degree angles just like Alex had told us. He sailed past us just as another wave took a disliking to the tourists and deposited me and Andi back in the water. We managed to hold onto the paddles but not Andrea's $200 sunnies, she managed to lose them an all, seems there's a direct corrolation between the price of sunglasses and how likely you are to lose or break them. I managed to keep hold of my $40 pair from the servo. Shame about my dignity.

Alex's missus, Claire, has a siamese cat that had kittens a few months ago so there were four kittens plus mum. God they're cute! And expensive, the kittens are like $500 each which is a bit steep for a tiny little weapon of mass destruction if u ask me. I love kittens though, these ones tear around the house, fight and play with each other before curling up together in a big pile of Cute.

And The Award For The Cutest Thing Ever Goes To...

Covered In $2000 Worth Of Pussy

After a meal and a game of pool at the local RSA we just chilled at Alex's with a few beers while I got covered in pussy.

Sounds like a damn fine night in to me.

written by  Koala Bear on January 14, 2009 from Whangamata, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Looking Like We Know What We're Doing

Wentworth Falls

Instead of staying at Wentworth Falls we decided to try and cover more ground on account of the fact maps over here lie. Just because it doesn't look far on paper the roads turn back on themselves and wind their way up and down hills and have corners that if you take just a teeny tiny little bit fast the back of your car tries to overtake the front and scares the fuck out of you, your passenger and any oncoming traffic so we carried on to a free campsite called Dickey Flats near Karangahake Gorge.

Dickey Flats

Dickey Flats River

I seemed nice enough, right next to a river but it has the best hidden toilets ever, I know it has loos because a sign near the gorge told me so but we couldn't find them at all. I ended up holding it in until dark and sneaking into the bushes like the classy girl I am.

If Dickey Flats only had one river before it probably has two now.

written by  Koala Bear on January 15, 2009 from Karangahake, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Anyway, first stop today was Karangahake Gorge for a bit of a walk before breakfast. It's a really nice walk, pretty short an all so you can do it before breakfast and not starve to death. There's a part of it called the Underground Pumphouse and they recommend you take a torch. The only torches I have are the ones I picked up from the $2 shop that are about as bright as Paris Hilton but we took them anyway and ventured into the cave.

Now Imagine Two Screaming Poms...

Clearly we both watch too much horror. We didn't even get halfway in, Andrea hanging a bit behind before that kind of fear you haven't felt since you were five years old and thought the gremlins were behind you overcame us and we legged it out of the cave like the soft bitches we are.

God I hope no one saw us.

Luxury, Mate!

Tonight we'd be in Waitomo on account of the fact we'd booked ourselves in for some black water rafting action the next day, we were staying at a Top 10 campsite which had all kinds of exciting things such as a hot tub and a pool and no mozzies. There must be some kind of relation between the price of a campsite and how likely you are to get eaten alive by things you can't see until it's too late. Anyway. We got drunk and this is where The Bet was born, designed to get Andrea to do a bungee jump.

THE BET
If Andi does a bungee jump in Taupo I have to get a full minge wax. As in total. As in, not just the little bits round the edge to stop your dreddlocks sticking out of the sides of your bikini bottoms, every single hair on my private parts brutally torn from their roots. However, if Andi bottles out of aforementioned bungee jump she has to be my bitch for the duration of the trip.

Is It Legal To Sign Contracts....

...When You're THIS Wasted??

Shortly after the bet was made I text everyone I thought might have had a wax to gauge the pain on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being fine, 10 being Kill Me Now. So apparently it's about an eight or nine.

I'm so doomed.

written by  Koala Bear on January 16, 2009 from Waitomo Caves, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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We dragged ourselves out of bed and arrived at the Legendary Black Water Rafting Company just up the road, signed our lives away and waited for the guides to show up. We saw a couple of folks walk in wearing harnesses and for one brief moment I thought I might have to entrust my life to a man with a mullet but they must have been on another tour. Our guides were Brydie who was far too enthusiastic for that hour in the morning and Cory who had wandered past us earlier masked in a pair of sunnies and clutching a cup of coffee. They proceeded to kit us out in damp wetsuits, a fetching pair of shorts, boots and a harness then they drove us to the cave entrance.

How Hot Are We?

Practising...

The harness was how we'd be getting into the cave, we'd be abseiling 40 metres into a hole after a quick lesson on how not to die when suspended by your genitals by a rope. Ok so maybe not quite the genitals but that's how it feels. Once we were all at the bottom we waited while the boys checked to see that everything was where they left it before the descent then we were lead to a flying fox and sent down it in the dark.

Note The Terrified Grin

Once we were home we chilled in the hot tub until I'd regained feeling in my extremities and I resembled a hairy prune. I would SO recommend that tour to anyone. Maybe not in winter though. Unless you're hardcore or don't want your fingers anymore.

written by  Koala Bear on January 17, 2009 from Waitomo Caves, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Ah yes. The smell. You can't talk about Rotorua without mentioning the smell, it's sort of compulsory. Most people who've been to NZ are aware that Rotorua stinks like eggs. When eggs smell like eggs its fine but when something that isn't eggs smells like eggs suddenly it becomes so very very wrong. In some parts its rotton eggs, in others its not too bad but it's all on account of the fact the the whole place is built on masses of geothermal activity which can be viewed for free at a local park. Rotorua is also great because you can get away with dropping your guts and just blaming the steaming pools of sulphur. Bliss.

Be Glad It Ain't Smell-O-Vision

The weather wasn't great so we bypassed the Agrodome and I introduced Andrea to her very first backpackers ever and the joys of deciding who got landed with the top bunk. After sleeping in a tent for the last couple of nights she just wanted to be as far off the ground as possible so she was happy up top. By that time the weather had cleared up a bit so we headed back out to find the Zorbing.

Zorbing, for those who live under rocks or on Mars, is where they put you in a big, plastic ball and throw you down a hill. You can go down the straight track with one or two mates or you can go it alone down the zigzag track, either strapped in or with a bit of water for extra lubrication. Its. So. Cool.
When you first rock up you look at the slopes and they seem a bit, well, disappointing. They look a bit small from the bottom but once you're in your Zorb and you've launched yourself down the zigzag you discover they're plenty big enough but once isn't enough and it's a perfect way for filthy backpackers who've been living out of the back of a Camry to get clean.

A word of advice though; take socks. They only recommend you wear socks if you have noticably long toenails on account of the fact there are seams inside the Zorb that you can catch them on and pull them back. This freaked me out enough to head back to the car and ferret out a pair that you couldn't break with a hammer or that hadn't crawled under a seat and started building a nest.

We threw ourselves down a couple of times each, got well and truly soaked before Andrea changed into dry clothes and I kicked myself for not thinking about bringing dry clothes.

Later on, my mate Spiky came down from Auckland with Tash and Sam and we hit up Lava Bar for a few drinks where I highlighted the fact that I'm a total lightweight and got absolutely hammered. Cheered me up no end though after a random emo moment I'd had earlier. Spiky's pretty much been my rock since me and Kama split up.

Spiky, Me, Sam And Tash

Once I'm back in Auckland m'dear, me an you are hittin town. Vodka is the perfect cure for everything. Trust me. Vodka makes everything good again.

written by  Koala Bear on January 18, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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One more time.

They make you pull. Your own. Ripcord.

I can't inflict my own fear, this is why I pay other people to inflict my fear for me. Skydive? No worries. Sling Shot? Not a problem. I don't have to do anything, I just sit back and its all done for me. I get my adrenalin fix, they get a large portion of my bank account, everyone goes away happy. I had to make Andrea do it.

Oh...

My...

Fucking...

Gooooodddddd!!!!

If you want the girly screaming in full clicky here ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/3231968215/ ) which will take you to an external site which also whores all my other photos and videos...

Chicks Dig Scars

So yeah apparently you can tip them if you don't steer soon enough and slam into the tiny barriers which are about the same height as the luge itself. It turns out if this happens they do definately tip and send you flying head first into the ground thus potentially marring your perfect features and I now have a rather handsome graze on my left shoulder to remind me of this fact. Oh and for future story telling purposes I didn't stack it on the scenic track, clearly it was the advanced track whilst going over a jump.
The intermediate is cool if you don't mind kids tearing past you while you nurse your injuries but the advanced track is awesome! I still got overtaken by children but they bounce. After finding out that I most definately do NOT bounce I slowed down for the corners and dammit if I'd have had indicators I'd have used them too.

Once we'd eaten as much as would actually fit (and spot the backpackers, going up for more) we waddled to some tram things that would take us to their geothermal valley to see if the geyser, Pohutu, was erupting. It so totally was and it was fucking beautiful. I've never seen a geyser before, it's totally stunning.

I reckon it's worth the $95 if only for the feed and the geyser. It was pretty cool to see the Haka though and watching the fellas in the crowd get on stage and try and do it was hilarious.

We headed home and I spent the night admiring my wound and trying to decide if it made me look tough. Well I guess it might. If I lied about how I got it anyway.

written by  Koala Bear on January 19, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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