It is now in two pieces as opposed to the standard and mroe convenient one.

Maybe if I bill it as Retro it'll make me feel better.

But not much.

However, there is one small but significant saving grace. I now have Snake!

Yeah yeah, I know Snake is sooooo '95 but bugger you, I've never had Snake before, I even have Campaign Snake but why oh why can't I get past level three?
I'm a master at the entire GTA series, some of the biggest and most complicated games in the world but I can't get past level three on an ancient game that involves four buttons and very litte hand to eye coordination. I feel like a spastic.

Mind you, it makes waiting for trains a bit more bearable and it takes my mind off that shocking classical shit they play at Perth station. I feel like I've been fucked in the ears every time I get a fucking train in this city.

But still, I will give oral sex for a new Samsung flip phone (conditions apply).

written by  Koala Bear on January 15, 2007 from Perth, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged Bollocks
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Heres my Rainbow Lodge recipie for Bangers And Mash.

You Will Need:
21x Various Meat Sausages
6x Vege Sausages
1x Block of Butter
1x Head of Garlic
1x Block Of Cheese
1x 4kg Bag Of Spuds
1x Box Of Gravy Granules
1x White Onion
1x Bag Of Frozen Peas And Sweetcorn
1x Dave
1x Annabelle
1x Sarah
1x Gayle

How To Make It:

1. Wait for Annabelle to tell you to keep Dave out of the garden while they decorate it for his birthday. Stare at her blankly until she tells you to peel spuds.

2. Accost Dave and make him help you peel and chop and put the spuds on to boil. Ask many stupid questions to keep him in the kitchen.

3. Get him to grate the block of cheese for the mash. Pick at it profusely.

4. Decide you're going to start chopping garlic for the mash. Make sure this takes a while. Do the lot.

5. Concentrate intently on the garlic and eventually someone will come and put the sausages on for you.

6. When Sarah asks how long the spuds have been on for, shrug and mutter "Dunno... A little bit I guess" and continue with the garlic before being dragged into the garden to wish Dave a happy birthday. Return to the garlic.

7. Eventually, Gayle should enter and ask if the sausages have been turned. Respond with a drawn out "Errrrrrrrrrmmmmm....." This has a better effect if you drool a little bit.

8. Watch Gayle turn the Sausages.

They Trusted Me With The Pointy Stabbing... I Mean Cutting Thing.

For What We Are About To Receive Please Don't Let It Poison Us

9. Sarah will show up and make onion gravy around this point. Also, if you check the stove someone will have put the vegetables on for you.

10. Continue chopping garlic.

11. Once all the garlic has been chopped and Sarah has checked that the spuds are cooked, drag Dave away from his birthday celebrations and get him to mash the spuds.

12. Watch in horror as he chucks the whole block of butter in and reassure your arteries that there will be a punishing gym session the next day.

13. Dish up and eat before you keel over with starvation.

See, fucking master chef, me.

(Point to note: There is so much garlic in this that even your urine will smell of garlic the next day. Don't be surprised if your work mates avoid you)

Tidy Boy Dave
I'm not one for tearful goodbyes darlin, its the worst part of backpacking without a doubt but I will genuinely miss you and one day I might even let you have my babies although I've already promised our first born to Satan on account of the fact I already sold my soul for a packet of Tim Tams.
Good luck with the sponsership.

written by  Koala Bear on February 1, 2007 from Perth, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged Bollocks
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Without the aid of narcotics!!!

Do not expect this post to make any sense.

This is all on account of the fact I landed myself a second job in a nightclub. No, not as a skimpy, no one wants to see my saddlebags swinging in the wind plus if they cranked the AC too high I'd take out half the bar with a nipple and I just don't need that on my mind.

I'm a glassy at Connections, Perth's gay club. It's usually quite cock-heavy down there but it was the re-opening night so there was a good mix. I also holed myself up on the new outdoor terrace so I managed to avoid too much Hairy Man Nipple Action so I'm not in need of too much therapy right now and the ego has been sufficiently boosted. I am officially hot.

According to drunk people anyway.

Shiny Disco Balls @ Connections

Not A Bad View From The Work Place

I feel surprisingly great, I feel better than I do when I get proper sleep. I wonder how long I can actually stay awake for using only the power of Red Bull and stupidity.

Anyways, it's my birthday soon and I'd like a large quantity of amphetamine and an intravenous caffeine drip, please.

Moving Rooms
It's surprising and somewhat worrying how many people are actually willing to sit on a wet tin roof next to a lesbian with a lightening rod for a face and watch a storm but this is what occurs in my new room at Rainbow when I'm not sat on the flimsy excuse for a roof watching the sunset over the Perth skyline, drinking goon and wondering exactly how much weight tin can take.

Sunset As Seen From My Room

Watching A Storm On A Wet, Tin Roof

I've moved into the penthouse suite (otherwise known as the staff room) upstairs which doesn't have bunk beds, has a TV, a hammock, a balcony overlooking Perth and a fridge that won't give you E-Coli.

Going up in the world, me.

Do come and visit, darling, just mind you don't bang your head on the chandelier now.

written by  Koala Bear on February 9, 2007 from Perth, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged Work and Bollocks
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No?

Uh.... no.... me neither....

We have these things in England, they're a marvellous invention, they're called Roofs and when it rains we stand under these Roofs and they keep us dry.

We don't sit in a Field picking fucking capsicums!!!

And therein lies the difference.

Wankers.

written by  Koala Bear on March 2, 2007 from Perth, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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I must have lead poisoning.

Obviously.

written by  Koala Bear on April 15, 2007 from Esperance, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Cow On The Corner

Not particularly big now, is it. In fact it's distinctly Cow Sized.

Not ones to pass up an opportunity we spent a few minutes molesting anyway it causing a local in a ute to drive past shouting, "Get off the cow!"

Oh come on, what the fuck else are you meant to do with it?!

written by  Koala Bear on April 25, 2007 from Brunswick Junction, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged Bollocks and SouthWestLoop
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I'm holed up in the Slow Death that is Broome on account of the fact I decided that if I got a job before Staircase To The Moon I'd stay in Broome and save up for the Kimberleys tour I wanted to do. If not, I'd be off to Darwin the day after the Staircase.

Anyway, I landed me a job with a gardener, I mow lawns, rake leaves and trim hedges and by "trim" I mean butcher in a style made famous by Jack The Ripper in the 1800's. My boss is nice enough, he's an English bloke, he's been away from home since 1973 and solidly proves the theory that you can take the Pom out of England but you can't take the whinge out of the Pom. It's a job anyway, it's cash in hand so I should be able to save enough for this overpriced 4WD adventure then get out of here.

I also work on the markets on Saturday mornings making fruit smoothies and juices so I'm getting something resembling a health food intake (take note, mum) although there's something about working on a market stall that makes you talk like a southerner with a dodgy cock-er-ney accent.

Bitch, Moan, Whinge
In case you haven't guessed I'm not Broome's biggest fan, it was never part of my plan to stay here until I found this tour, I was going to head straight to Darwin and spend a few months there. It doesn't help that I never wanted to leave Perth in the first place, I guess that any town I spent any time in after the West Coast road trip was doomed from the start for simply not being Perth. For the first time in Australia it doesn't feel right, I feel a bit lost and confused, like I'm treading water or wasting time, I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo, waiting for something to fall into place.

I miss Perth and the people I left there so much it actually hurts, I think about going back every day, even if its just for a weekend but I think it would be the wrong thing to do, I think I want to go back for the wrong reasons and it would be too different.

Party At The MCG

Gypsy Camp

I'm staying at Roebuck Caravan Park in an unpowered section called the MCG (Mango Camping Ground), known to every one else in the park as the Festival Site on account of the fact it looks like a scaled down Glastonbury (minus the mud and medieval diseases people contract from being soaked in water for three days), the dope smoking and the loud music.
I like living here, its like an outdoor hostel but I'm over camping now. I love it when I'm travelling but when I'm settled somewhere I want a proper bed and a powerpoint for my laptop and a light switch but I'm paying $69 pw here. A hostel would be over $150 pw so my choice is live here and leave sooner or live in a hostel and probably miss out on Darwin.

Some Of The Broome Crew

Killing time in Broome invariably involves alcohol, it has to, there's not much else to do but it's hindered by one painful fact; Goon is illegal here. Oh you can get 2 litre casks but you're looking at $11 and when you've been paying that price for 4 litres it's gutting. This also means that games like Goon Rugby and Goon Volleyball and other games involving an inflated 4 litre goon pillow are out of the question so we've had to resort to Intelligent Conversation and Making New Friends.

Just Chillin'

MCG Golf Hockey Team (Yeah, We Were Bored)

The thing is, I'm surrounded by friends, old and new. The weather is amazing considering it's winter, it touches the late 20s every day. My tour is booked, I know when I'm leaving, I'm earning money and saving enough to get to Darwin comfortably.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?!

written by  Koala Bear on June 1, 2007 from Broome, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged Work and Bollocks
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