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Now I'm No Expert...

Auckland, New Zealand


X-Ray Vision
But is it seriously necessary to extract half the contents of my bloody arm just for a few fucking blood tests?! Anyway I survived it with only minor sobbing and they only had to get ONE extra nurse in to hold my hand. Oh and this is what I'd look like if I was transparent. And stood in front of a bench. Naked. Anyway. Visa extension application has been handed in and now I just have to wait a bit to find out if I have to leave in May or if I'll be allowed to hang around for a bit and take a bit more verbal abuse off infomercial customers.
On a brighter note, this is about as stressful as my life gets. Can't really fault that ay.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on November 21, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Practically A Local

Auckland, New Zealand

So my visa extension was approved and now I'm legally allowed to reside in the Southern Hemisphere until April 2010. Yay an things.

However this may have some severe implications for my hair, more specifically the back of it. Whilst mullets were outlawed in 1994 in most parts of the world, in New Zealand they're practically fucking compulsory and not those allegedly trendy Toni & Guy mullets either, more like those rat tail efforts so popular with rednecks and Australians circa 1989.

My hair has mulletous tendencies as it is, I spent years abusing it with peroxide and product and now it spends its time plotting a terrifyng revenge. Every now and then the back of it makes a break for it and tries to outgrow the top. I usually manage to catch it in time once I notice the horrified stares of bystanders but as mullets are as common place as sheep over here and even regarded as (shudders) acceptable my early warning system may fail me.

Hmm. I may need to invest in some hats.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on December 3, 2008 from Auckland, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Winding Down

New Plymouth, New Zealand

And it's a good job we were on a Mission to chill out for a couple of days on account of the sheer amount of things to do in New Plymouth which amounts to... well... sod all really. There's a big mountain but I think Andi would have hung me with my guts if I'd suggested we both go and have a look at the view from the top.

Oh, and there's a Wind Wand of course which is a pole that bends in the slightest wind.


Do You Need A Mop For That Mess You Just Made When You Came Just Looking At It?

I shall leave you with that so as you have some time to contain your excitement.

I dropped Andi off at the airport in the early evening and began the drive down to Wellington stopping on the way at a campsite a mate had circled in my map book, saying it was lovely and right by the beach. Indeed it was by the beach. It was also deserted apart from a tiny house on a hill, I was more freaked out than that time me and Andi had pulled into Mill Creek.

I wandered down to check out the beach then back to the car when I happened to glance up at the little house. Was that someone at the window? Were those curtains drawn before?

I jumped in my car and headed down to the next basic campsite on the map, keeping an eye in the rearview mirror for anyone brandishing a chainsaw.

And in the event I do get hacked to death in my sleep and there's nothing else to read for a while, check out some photos from the trip instead: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ohfuckkit/sets/72157613070820166/detail/

permalink written by  Koala Bear on January 27, 2009 from New Plymouth, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Random Emo Moment

Wanganui, New Zealand

As well as a bog standard Looky Where I've Been travel blog with which to bore my friends and family these pages serve as kind of a diary, sort of something to show the kids when I'm older. By kids or course I actually mean cats which will I shall refer to as "my children" in a creepy Wicked Witch Of The West type voice and they shall follow me around my house at the end of the road that all the local kids avoid because it belongs to the Mad Cat Lady who mutters to herself and smells faintly of pee.

Anyway.

Basically it means that sometimes, just sometimes, you end up with bollocks like the following.

While I was holed up in the back of my car last night in the howling wind and pissing rain I was overcome by a gut wrenching lonliness. It really hit me that once I'd gotten back to Auckland I'd be starting again from absolute scratch. One day I was going back to my girl and a life and I was looking forward to settling down for a year with her in town, building a life together and the next day I had nothing. I'd spent all my time with Kama and hadn't spent time meeting people, making friends, the usual things you do when you get to a new place.

I could count my mates on two hands and most of them would be gone by the time I got back, the backpackers having flown back to their respective countries, the locals moving on with their lives with plans of their own to travel or move overseas. But ya know what? I've started from scratch so many times I'm sure I can do it again. I just wasn't expecting it.

I wasn't expecting the break up and I think this is why I'm finding it so hard. Every other girl I've got involved with since I left England, we've known from the outset exactly when it would end. As strongly as I felt about Toni we always knew we'd just be ships passing in the night, I never even expected to see her again in Alice Springs. Even with Irma, she was always going to leave and we knew exactly when, it was hard but we were prepared for it. I was prepared for it. As for Emma, after two and a half years together the relationship had run its course, even though I wasn't expecting it it was welcome, we'd had our time together and the break up was relatively easy.
When Kama finished us it was so sudden and even though we weren't getting on it was so unexpected, I'm really struggling to let it go because there was no attempt from her to talk about it, to try and resolve it.

But I'm going back to Auckland regardless. Yeah I know I don't have to but I love it there and like I say, I might not know many people there but the ones I do know are fantastic, its quality, not quantity that matters, right?

permalink written by  Koala Bear on January 28, 2009 from Wanganui, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Back At Rowena's Lodge

Wellington, New Zealand

So I was gonna hang around Taranaki for another couple of nights so I could climb that mountain but eventually I decided against it. Its a big scary mountain and I didn't want to do it on my own and anyway, Wellington has plenty of hills that resemble mountains so I headed back down to the nation's capital to catch up on my blog because there's no decent internet between Auckland and Wellington. Seriously, its like an abyss. I also wanted some time to just chill out try and get the smell of sulphur out of my towels.
Oh yeah, and there's another handy hint if you go to Hell's Gate in Rotorua. Wear old togs, take an old towel, shower properly and when you're done put the togs and towel in a bag and incinerate them or you'll spend the rest of your days wandering round smelling like an egg salad.

There's goes any hope of my rebound shag.

Anyway, I checked back into Rowena's Lodge up in Mt Victoria and guess what? It's STILL full of crazy people! Just as I was chatting to a girl who was telling me all about how she's on benefits but wants a job but can't write a CV on account of her "disorder" and probably should go to her drug and alcohol rehab courses, a condition of her probabtion, before they resentence her for her two counts of assault with a blunt weapon and one count of stealing a car and trashing it, a man known only as Bush Man (on account of the fact when he first got to Rowena's he slept in the bushes) rocked up clutching a beer, fresh from court after being"convicted and discharged" for breaching the liquor ban and arguing with cops.

I'm so sleeping with the car door locked these next couple of nights.

Although in all fairness, the crazy people are generally pretty cool once you get to know them. I mean, last time there was Cheryl who told me all about her P addiction and the fact she'd lost her kids because she couldn't get a job or a place so her kids are in foster care but she really wants to clean herself up and get her kids back but she can't get work for all kinds of various reasons. As unstable as she seems she's actually lovely once you can tear your eyes away from the scabs round her mouth, she came out with us one night and we had a blast.
But somtimes they're not so cool, there was Ashika, the terrifying little Fijian girl. We called her Little Box Of Fear, she was tiny but she'd go off on these rants either to herself or at people about the craziest things, usually god and she'd become convinced that she'd known you for years and you'd somehow wronged her in the past. She was also a swine for robbing your food and booze an all. She was absolutely terrifying, the kind of scary where you're convinced if you say her name 5 times in the mirror she'll come and carve your guts out with a hook.

I do kinda like this about Rowena's Lodge though, it takes your expected bunch of international backpackers and mixes them up with people from the community centre who have nowhere else to go, plus locals who just find it easier to live there than move. The result is a colourful and interesting band of people from all walks of life, you meet people who you would never have normally met and let's face it, that's a massively important part of travelling.

Anyway, I'm only here for a couple of nights before I catch the ferry to the south island. Might as well pick up here where I left off last time. If you need me I'll be out front having a beer and hoping that everyone remembered to take their meds.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on January 29, 2009 from Wellington, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Harden Up, Princess

Wellington, New Zealand

On account of the fact I'm a cheapskate my ferry to Picton on the south island was the Stupid O Clock ferry due to depart at 1.55am on the Saturday morning which meant I got to spend all of today chatting online, shopping for clothes that don't smell like eggs (I'm actually having to replace most of my wardrobe, it might actually be cheaper to just move to Rotorua so no one will be able to tell if its me that stinks or the city) and chilling at Rowena's.

It was probably a combination of the retail therapy, touching base with a couple of folks back in Auckland as well as Loody over in Australia and maybe even being back at Rowena's Lodge, right back where I started when I first got to the country and catching up with a couple of the old faces there but whatever it was, I realised I'm happy. Properly, truely, happy. Not just the kind of happy that you are because you're distracted, you're chatting to a mate or rolling down a hill in a big plastic ball or swimming around in a cave full of glow worms. It's the kind of happy where, even on your own, left alone with your thoughts, you still have that feeling of inner bliss.

Well it fucking took long enough! I was only with the girl for 3.5 bloody months for fucks sake! I usually leave a good couple of years between proper relationships because that's usually how long it takes me to remember how pointless they are and how bad I actually am at them. I'm not girlfriend material, me. I'm moody and demanding and much easier to get on with once you learn to worship me and yes actually that was the world you just saw revolving around me now where's my cup of tea, wench? Fortunately Kama reminded me of this in record time leaving me to enjoy singledom again. And I do enjoy being single. And in all honesty I was with her for ALL the wrong reasons.

Aaaanyway, thats enough of that emo bollocks for now thankyouverymuch. I've dragged myself out of the pit of self pity I was having a damn good wallow in and the cynical, anti-romantic bitch is back.

I'm off to kick some puppies.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on January 30, 2009 from Wellington, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Catching Up

Christchurch, New Zealand

My sister, Natalie, is a tea-total, vegetarian and a qualified personal trainer with a cat and a dog and a mortgage. She enjoys things such as snowboarding, cycling, running, rowing and other Moving About stuff.

I'm pretty sure we're not really related.

Her fiance, Shane, is equally fit. He's also into snowboarding and running and also off road mountain biking and things that make you sweat in an unpleasant manner.

But it doesn't matter how fit you are, 27 hours either sat on a plane or in transit will turn anyone into a pale, red eyed zombie. I met them at the airport, they were totally shattered but starving so we headed into town for a feed.
It was like Return Of The Living Dead, I half expected them to foam at the mouth and lunge at passers by screaming "braaaaiiiins!"


Christchurch Cathedral

Its awesome to see them both though after over 2.5 years. When they decided they wanted to come and visit we decided on the south island on account of the fact that's where Queenstown is and for some reason they thought that throwing themselves off stuff would make for a relaxing holiday so after we'd eaten I dropped them at their accommodation with some teabags (you can take the poms out of England...) and enough leaflets and maps to make a rainforest cringe so they'd have some idea of what they'd let themselves in for over the next three weeks.

Bring on the South Island tourist whirlwind.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on February 2, 2009 from Christchurch, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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End Of The Road

Rotorua, New Zealand

So all that remains is to get back to Auckland and experiment with this Settling Down and having a Normal Life thing people keep going on about.

After three years on the road and not spending more than 6 months in one place it should prove interesting to say the least. Updates will be provided when stuff and things happen and also to let my mum know I'm still alive.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on March 5, 2009 from Rotorua, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Getting Settled

Auckland, New Zealand

The reason I wanted to settle down somewhere for a year and have something resembling a "normal life" is because I feel like I've become jaded. I realised this while I was travelling with Andi and then Nat and Shane, the photos they took and the things they found amazing were things that, while I could still appreciate them, I found normal and mundane. I mean, I had an awesome time travelling around NZ with them, it was wicked but its hard to explain. It didn't feel like a holiday or an adventure to me, it just felt like life.

I want the buzz back.

I want that feeling I used to get when I first saw a perfect beach, when I watched the sun go down over the ocean, when I jumped into a freezing cold waterfall for the first time or hiked to the top of a mountain purely for the breathtaking views at the top.
I want to feel that nervous excitement again, I want to I step out into the unknown, not knowing fully what to expect. I want my stomach to do flips at the thought of setting out on a new journey with new people I met at the dinner table over a box of wine the night before, I want every new place to be fresh and exciting again, each place with its own adventure to offer and not just another town in another country with another beach or whatever.
Going to new and beautiful places, doing new things, meeting new people constantly, every day, became my life for three years and I realised that this, for me, has become normal and normality is... well... its boring isn't it. The boundaries of my comfort zone have expanded so much since I left the UK and whilst I don't want them to shrink back in I want to find a way to step outside of them again because life is always so much more fun, so much more exciting and colourful on the other side of the Comfort Line.

So. A year in Auckland is it while I sort my head out and make some life decisions and yes, I'm questioning the wisdom of building a whole, proper life in a city that I have to leave in 12 months but what else am I going to do? On account of the fact I'd spent most of my 6 months in Auckland holed up in Muriwai with an overweight bisexual with the emotional capacity of a gnat I had kind of expected to have to start from scratch but I have some awesome friends in this city and that circle has just grown since I got back. I have my job back at Family Bar and a place to live with my very own room which means I can leave my crap all over the floor and no one can say a damn thing and after so long sharing a room with four to ten other people it's fucking brilliant. I can sleep naked. And I can unpack! I don't own that much stuff though so I've just spread everything out to all four corners to make it look like everything I own wouldn't fit into an 80 litre backpack. I even bought furniture... well... a mattress and a book case to store my clothes but hey. I feel so grown up.

I had expected this Normal Life bollocks to be boring but I guess you can't really consider my life to be entirely normal, the shifts I work, the people I hang out with and the lack of routine won't allow that but in all honesty I don't cope very well with Normal anyway. This way I have the best of both worlds. I get to settle in one place for a year and still have a fucking amazing time with an incredible set of friends who are already making my time here one of the most memorable and fun periods of my life. It's going to be so hard to leave Auckland when my visa expires but that's a while off yet and yes, time will fly by but I fully intend to make the most of it.

And as for the next stop? I don't even know yet. Maybe South Africa as I have mates there or prehaps South America because I've had my little heart set on it for a while. Whatever. I don't know.

That decision can wait until 2010.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on April 20, 2009 from Auckland, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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Random Nuggets Of Information #6

Auckland, New Zealand

Having a Normal Life isn't generally conducive to a good blog. When I'm not holed up in the bunker awaiting the apocalypse with the Trashbag Association (read: sat in the laundry with two friends hoping reality doesn't set in any time soon after a particularly heavy night) I'm generally doing any one of the following;


Working...
On account of the fact that my current idea of Looking For Work consists of writing down phone numbers out of the paper then not actually calling them my job at Family bar is still my only source of income but this is fine because they give me loads of hours and I do really enjoy it there despite the fact drunk people drool a lot and like to shout their order directly into your brain and I have to empty my ear canals of saliva after every shift.
They also ask questions that annoy me, the current one being, "Where is everybody?" when they walk in early and the bar is still empty. Where is everybody. Well I don't know mate, I'm not everybody's fucking mother, shall I just call everybody in Auckland and ask them? I'd consult my magic crystal ball but it's in the shop being calibrated for Dumb Questions. Or maybe they just heard you'd be out and decided to stay at home tonight?

But anyway, most of my nights are spent there getting a room full of queers drunk.


Working Out...
Since I got back to Auckland I've eaten a lot of food and not actually moved much because I live across the road from work. This has resulted in rolls of fat that could insulate the whole of Siberia but as I wish to continue eating cake and drinking beer I joined the gym. All this did was make me sweat in an unpleasant manner and I discovered that I actually look thinner when I lie down anyway so I decided to spend as much time as possible horizontal instead, cancelled the membership after a month and used the spare cash to get a tattoo.


Getting Inked...
Shit I forgot how much these things hurt! It took about 3.5 hours to engrave this thing permanently into my flesh and there was a fair amount of butt clenching involved, especially when it got to the crook of my elbow.

And the healing? Christ they itch! They itch and they flake, there's bits of me all over the bar. I strongly advise everyone to check their drinks after getting served by me for signs of shedding.

I'd already told my mum over the phone I was getting this done so she didn't freak out when she saw the photos and she took the news quite well although I had just told her I was dating a dominatrix just minutes earlier so this was probably just a return to normality for her.


Treading The Path Of Discovery...
So I recently discovered that jalepenos burn more on the way back up than on the way down especially when they exit the body via the nostrils and as a direct result of this valuble lesson I am never eating jalapenos when I'm that hung over ever again.


Contemplating Fashion...
I watched the Phantom Of The Opera movie coz I'm all classy and sophisticated like that and now I want a big, black cape that I can swish when I exit the room.
I've also been fighting the urge to buy oversized, grey sweatpants to veg out in through the winter on account of the fact I'm sure it's compulsory to position yourself on the couch with hands down aforementioned grey sweat pants whilst watching TV and I don't have any testicles to rearrange and I'd just feel like I was missing out on something.


Jumping Off Stuff...
Because this will never get dull. My mate Alyssa wanted to jump off something before she left NZ and I'd had my little heart set on jumping off the Auckland Harbour Bridge and Telaina was easily coerced into it when she was drunk ("Wanna come jump off the bridge on Monday?" "Yeah Ok...") so on the 15th June we duly rocked up to be harnessed up and lead out to the jump pod underneath the bridge. And here's a random detail; the jump pod has a disco ball. There's really no escaping the gay bar in this city ay.

As much as I love classic bungy where you shuffle to the edge with your feet tied and bounce around upside down wondering what the hell to do with your arms, seeing as I'd done it before, they asked me if I wanted to jump attached to the harness around my body instead, that way I could run and jump off if I so chose to. Fucking awesome! I went for that option.


Alyssa And Telaina; Jump Buddies

Alyssa Harnessed Up


One More Time


Off She Goes Again

Telaina On The Edge

When you do a harness jump they throw jump ideas at you such as jump, tuck and somersault or as you jump, turn and look back at the jump pod and fall backwards because this is an awesome feeling. Bitch, please! I wasn't even sure I'd remember to let go of the elastic I had to hold on to as I ran to avoid tripping over, let alone anything else. And run? What is this run of which you speak? I resembled a crippled giraffe as I lolloped along the platform to the edge and hurled myself over but I did remember to let go of the elastic AND I rememebered to turn around and shit yes! It's a fucking amazing feeling as you plummet towards the water, watching the bridge get further and further away from you before the harness catches you resulting in what can only be described as the Mother Of All Wedgies.

I still dream about bungy but as fun as the water touches are, I'm thinking I wanna get bigger now. Higher jumps, longer freefalls, bigger thrills.

I await the panicked phone call off mum.


Thinking Deep Thoughts...
Is it a condition of power ballads that you have to resemble a drag queen in order to belt out these great hits of the 80s?

permalink written by  Koala Bear on July 1, 2009 from Auckland, New Zealand
from the travel blog: Tiny Little NZ Road Trip
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