And and and! Guess what? You won't guess so I'll tell ya. Just as we were heading to the first gorge we bumped into the Get Away team (Aussie holiday show sort of thing). Now this would be infinitely more exciting if a) I watched TV at all, b) I'd seen Get Away and c) if I could remember the name of the presenter guy who I had my photo taken with. It's on Becky's camera, but. I need to get it off her.

But still, mingling with celebrities, us. We watched as they maneuvered $1000's worth of equipment through freezing water on lilos before moving onto the next place.

There's not much to actually say, it's one of those Had To Be There things. You basically navigate your way through the park's unsealed road, stopping at gorges for a swim and lookouts for oohing and ahhing. We didn't have time for any of the walks but to be fair movement never really suited us. Fortescue Falls were amazing an all, we spent quite a bit of time there until we realised there were tiny leeches in the falls. Nice. A quick dip and a blood transfusion, you just don't get that down the local swimming pool do ya.

Freshening Up

Gotta Love Waterfalls

That night we stayed at Auski Roadhouse (Munjina) for camping, they gave us a powered site for the price of an unpowered one. Luxury! What could we use it for?

A quick inventory of all our Stuff With Plugs later and we whipped out Becky's hair straighteners and began ironing the curls out of Darragh's hair. Yeah, I know Darragh hasn't got curly hair.

Making The Most Of Having Power

Not on his head anyway.

written by  Koala Bear on May 16, 2007 from Auski Roadhouse, Australia
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Well how are you meant to buy souvenirs without getting out of the car?

Wittenoom Guest House

Wittenoom Gem Shop

It was on the way anyway so we pulled in, did a quick circuit and took a few deep breaths before heading north to Karratha with newly acquired stickers that read, "I Went To Wittenoom And Lived."

I'll remember this moment in roughly 10 to 15 years when my lungs fall out.

There are two roads to Karratha from Auski Roadhouse, one of them is about 400km along the tarmac and the other is more direct, about 300km along a slightly corrugated unsealed road. We took the dirt.

What a boring fucking road! All you want to do is read a book or something but you can't on account of the whole Having To Drive thing. There's no let up in the monotony, we probably saw about 3 other vehicles the entire way plus the corrugations don't make it the most pleasant drive ever. I wished I still had my clit hood pierced, at least then I could have driven the road with a smile on my face.

300km Of This

Eating My Dust

Apart from a minor incident in the Millstream National Park when I nearly span off the road after lecturing Craig on the dangers of not wearing a seatbelt we rocked up to Karratha in once piece where we'd be spending a couple of nights. Craig's sister Julie lives here, he hardly gets to see her so we chilled at their house which was awesome, we got fed and got to sleep inside and had proper showers and did all kinds of exciting things such as laundry. I hadn't done laundry since Albany.

My clothes practically walked to the washer.

written by  Koala Bear on May 17, 2007 from Karratha, Australia
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Back In *Shudders* Civilisation

The First Town In The Pilbarra

Cossack Jail

Our First Croc Warning Sign

Julie just kept on knocking up amazing meals, we had a full cooked brekky both mornings we woke up there and wicked dinners. Proper spoilt, we were.

I wasn't on form here though, I'd been having trouble staying asleep the past few nights which fucks me up. I need my sleep or people aside from me start to suffer so I was in bed pretty early tonight while the others had a few drinks and played some cards.

I'd be fresh and ready the next morning, right?

...Right?

written by  Koala Bear on May 18, 2007 from Karratha, Australia
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It was my fault, I pulled out when I shouldn't have, I didn't see the girl's car because I couldn't see out of my back window on account of all the swags and bags and general crap and Craig's head was blocking my side window. But still, it was my fault and she went into the side of me. Fortunately the Falcon is the closest thing you can get to a tank without it actually being a tank so despite the almighty crashing noise that occurred there's practically no damage to my car and no one was hurt at all. Shaken, but not hurt.

Her car however got slightly twisted, I'm insured though so it only cost my excess, $400, and in the words of the girl from AAMI, "It's out of your hands, we'll deal with everything from here on in."

Fuck I love AAMI.

We were going to get to Broome in two parts staying at a free camp tonight. We drove until it was dark, marvelling at the pretty glow of the bush fire up ahead. It was a big fire. Biiiiig fire. We got closer and closer until we got to Pardoo Roadhouse, the fire was in a paddock just over the road. We pulled into to servo and I jumped out for a chat with a guy who was sat on the step of the shop smoking a cigarette.

Blurry Bush Fire Pic

Me: Hiya mate, whats the go with that big fire over there?
Bloke: (shrugs) Guess someones having a big BBQ.
Me: Riiiight. Should we go and join 'em?
Bloke: I reckon. Could probably fit a fair few snags on there.

He took one last drag on his fag and idly flicked the butt towards the bowser.

Bloke: As long as it doesn't come over here it should be right.

I retreated to the safety of the shop where there were toilets and pies and maybe people who shared my concern over naked flames near petrol pumps.

I asked the lass behind the counter if she thought the fire would spread.

Lass: (shrugs) Well its been there two days.
Me: K. Soooo you reckon its safe to camp round here tonight?
Lass: Meh... Should be.

Despite her words of comfort we decided to keep on driving a further 80 or so kms to 80 Mile Beach and a free camp near there where we were attacked by moths intent on drinking all our goon.

Hey man, fuck with me if you gotta but leave my goon out of it yeah?

written by  Koala Bear on May 19, 2007 from Eighty Mile Beach, Australia
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Dammit!

Oh what, like they couldn't have told us this sooner?

Like at the last fucking bottle shop maybe?!

written by  Koala Bear on May 20, 2007 from Broome, Australia
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The photos seriously don't do it justice.

We chilled here for the morning before heading to a free camp not too far from Coral Bay because we deserved another relaxing day snorkeling and sunbathing tomorrow.

Snorkelling At Quobba Point

Killing Time

Well if we were gonna treat us who the fuck else was?

written by  Koala Bear on May 11, 2007 from Minilya, Austria
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So those plans went out of the window with the bottle of cheap wine and the Jim Beam. Everybody who could make it out to say bye did an all which I wasn't expecting, a few people had to work the next day plus its a mission from the MCG into the Last Resort where I was staying for my last night because dammit, I hadn't slept in a proper bed since Perth and I wanted some comfort before heading into the bush.

Saying Goodbye To The Broome Crew

Ok so I gotta say I was surprised to see a bus full of old people when it finally rocked up but fair enough, they must be ok to do a tour like this, sleeping under the stars and not showering for a bit and to be fair I felt about 75 (Dick's age) that particular morning anyway as I stumbled onto the bus and collapsed at the back, clutching my aching head.
It was definitely going to be different to Heading Bush where we made our way through the outback, terrorising other tour groups and generally being feral but hey, it was going to be amazing, I was going to spend 12 days being chauffeured around, shown cool things, taken to awesome places and being fed things that weren't noodles or tinned spaghetti three times a day.

The Prison Boab

Anyway, we got to Windjana Gorge along the famous Gibb River Road, picked up our last member, Isabelle, set up camp and headed into Tunnel Creek which is a walk through a cave. You need a torch, footwear you don't mind getting wet and a liberal definition of "thermal" which is what Glen, our tour guide kept telling us the water was.

Bollocks. It was freezing cold and he'd told us the water would come up to our shins. As the icy water inched above my knees I decided that Glen skipped human biology at school.

The Gibb River Road

Tunnel Creek

Later on, after we'd been fed all kinds of crazy things such as Meat and Vegetables and Things With Nutrients we headed through the gorge in the dark and down to Lennard River. Loads of freshwater crocodiles live there but the best time to see them is at night. Well, their eyes anyway, if you shine a torch into the river it reflects off their eyes and all you see are all these bright yellow pairs of dots. They might be placid compared to the salties but whilst it looks proper cool I wouldn't be getting too close, especially not after blinding them in the name of entertainment.

We spent some time after that just lying in the sand on our backs looking at the sky, watching shooting stars. I'll never get bored of the sky over here when you're out in the bush or the outback. Nothing can prepare you for it when you first see it and every time you see it it feels like the first time. It's just breathtaking.

Nommage On The Fire

Freshie Land

So yeah, day one was cool, my tour group were alright an all and Pam helped me finish the half a bottle of $4 wine I had left over from the previous night and that was it for booze until the next bottle shop which was a few days away. How would I cope?

Pam's cool, she's a terribly English lass in her 70's from Kent who's standard response to everything from "the kettle's on" to "the comet has changed course and we've just averted Armageddon" was "Oh good." She's a retired doctor and anesthetist from the days when they used to use chloroform on kids when they were having their tonsils out.

Ah, chloroform. Every school should have some.

written by  Koala Bear on July 17, 2007 from Windjana Gorge, Australia
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Packing Up

We checked out Windjana Gorge (which used to be a huge coral reef when it was under water) and the crocs in the daylight before jumping onto the bus and heading up the Gibb River Road towards Mount Barnett.

Windjana Gorge

Croc Infested

First stop was Galvan Gorge, its the most accessible gorge up the Gibb and one of the best. Y'know I think I'm over beaches and getting stung by jellyfish, saltwater in my sinuses and sand in my crack but I'll never get bored of gorges and waterfalls and swimming in freshwater pools you can drink out of although I wouldn't because I know what I do when I need to go in the middle of a swim. Its the same reason I'm wary of warm pockets of water near content looking people.

Galvans Gorge

Enjoying A Cold Shower

Rope Swiiiiiiing!

Frolicking At Galvans Gorge

Eventually we tore ourselves away from the waterfall and the pool and got back on the bus to head towards the next walk and our camp for the night.

River Crossing

Y'know when you're on a walk and you're going downhill and you're painfully aware of the fact that its uphill all the way back? I'd been trying to ignore the fact we had to get back across the river and it had already started to cool down. Ah well, its not like we had a choice in the matter now is it and at least I'd have a handy place to hang me coat until my nipples warmed up again.

Manning Falls

One of the key things on tours like this is that everyone jumps in and helps with everything, from collecting firewood to preparing food. I'm not used to Proper Food, I'm used to getting all my major food groups from goon, I wasn't sure my body would know what to do with all these nutrients and I was starting to get withdrawals from the additives and preservatives. Still, I did my best though ay, I didn't do too badly.

I mean, normally I'm fucked if it doesn't come in a packet with the word "noodles" stamped across it.

written by  Koala Bear on July 18, 2007 from Gibb, Australia
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Swapping Buses

Brilliant.

However, it meant getting up at 5am.

There are two five o' clocks in a day??

Beeeeeeeer!!

The rest of the day was spent driving up the the Mitchell Plateau which takes half your life on account of the corrugations you can lie down in. We crossed the King Edward river, set up camp on the banks and went for a swim. Fuck me, that water was cold. Its the kind of cold that causes you to make involuntary monkey noises as you ease yourself in so you can imagine the kind of noise I made when I slipped on a rock and went arse over tit into the water. Meh. I was only intending to go for a bloody paddle an all.

Cunt Of A Road

There aren't many things scarier than filling a washing up bowl from a river inhabited by crocodiles in the pitch black with only a piss poor head lamp for company but that's what I ended up doing because no one else would. I don't care that they're "only freshwater" crocs, knowing my luck I'd come face to face with the only freshie in the river with PMT that was having a bad day anyway coz some tour leader shone a light in its eyes the night before to impress the group. I didn't see anything but it didn't stop that overwhelming feeling of abject terror you only get when you're a kid and you think the gremlins are after you.

Later on we bribed some kids with marshmallows to tell us stories and jokes.

Nope, there's not much else in the way of entertainment in one of the most remote parts of Australia.

written by  Koala Bear on July 19, 2007 from Drysdale, Australia
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I don't know what I expected from a camp site that's so hard to get to but I didn't expect a toilet. We got one anyway, a standard drop toilet like the ones you find all through the Kimberley and at 24hr Stopping free camps on the side of the road. For those of you who haven't experienced the joy of drop toilets, let me explain;
They're basically a toilet bowl which I strongly advise you to hover over instead of sit on even if you need to shit, seriously, work those quads. And its a classic Don't Look Down situation coz if you look down you'll find out exactly what everyone who used the bog before you had for breakfast. And lunch and dinner for that matter. They're waterless, you just do what you gotta do, close the lid and walk away and decomposition does the rest. Its times like these you learn exactly how long you can hold your breath for.

Aaaanyways, on to more pleasant things like eating insects.

Yep, eating insects. While we were walking up to the falls we passed loads of green ant nests. They make nests in trees out of leaves and the ants taste like sour lime, I didn't eat one though on account of the fact I'm socially conditioned not to put insects in my mouth. No. I just licked its arse.

And once more for the record; I licked an ants arse.

Eat A Fucking Lime Instead!

Big Merton Falls

Mitchell Falls are awesome, I could sit and watch them for hours. I'd love to fly over them during the Wet just to see how amazing they look in full force. We spent a bit of time swimming at the top of the falls, you can't swim anywhere else because the Wungurr Creator Snakes live there and will punish you for your disrespect. Well, that and you'd probably be sucked over the edge to your death anyway, its best to nod and smile and go "Hmm, yeah, creator snakes" and just stay where they want you to.

The Stunning Mitchell Falls

There are two ways back to the car park from the falls; either you spend 90 minutes walking back the way you came or you take a helicopter back. Options range from the 6 minute Taxi flight which will cost $90 to the Coastal flight which takes you for miles and will cost you your first born and two limbs. Me, Pat, Dick and Pam went with the $90 option which meant we had to cook dinner for the others when we got back because Glen wanted to have dinner at Little Merton Falls where we could watch the sunset. It's a nice idea in theory and getting there with large pans of food, plates, drinks and cutlery was no problem. Getting back with one torch between four of us was slightly more amusing. Have you noticed how many more rocks there are when you can't see them?

Taxi Home

Mitchell Falls From The Air

Today was awesome, it was a big day and I was suitably knackered as were Scott (22) and Isabelle (27), we fell asleep listening to the old folk singing Waltzing Matilda and slating the "young uns" for not being able to keep up with them.

Dinner At Little Merton Falls

Well some of us are conditioned to get an early night for work the next day thankyouverymuch.

Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

written by  Koala Bear on July 20, 2007 from Mitchell Plateau, Australia
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