Ha...

He had alot to say actually, and ascension is great gift for those who decide to choose it, but not without it' struggles and gains...It especially became heavy when it turned out he had some Dionysis in there, but I told him it would take 6 months to clear. It was then I told him too, maybe he should work with someone else you know? He said no, he doesn't want to be pushed that hard. He pushed himself hard enough with his life and music, trying to fit up to the person he thought he could be, he's had enough of that. Thats why he stays with me and comes back.

That "not being enough thing" that he has for his partners in particularly, comes back. Hey, in that, I am an EXPERT, hahahah Not like it's my truth or anything though....hahahha

We went back and saw that he has a dolphin/whale soul, when he was born!!!! Can you believe it????? That's what lent to him being so sensitive....in this life...He said he doesn't want to sing the same songs, like he did when he was younger, he is done with them, but he feels like he has to, that the past is so hard to complete with....

He says it is so hard for him now, to write, about the way he feels. He feels like he wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone and no one would understand....He has gone on....for so long....expressing, he wants to just sit and feel and listen more now than talk. Another reason why he likes talking to me, I just want to talk, I am sick of just feeling and sitting and listening!!!

It's so hard to know your true self, being wrapped up in so many people, at once. I gave him the suggestion of Ed, even, saying look, this dude did music, now, he has people to listen to him? You can stay with the music thing....He is in a lull, and wants to and feels like he had released the music dream that was placed on him, but doesn't know what else to do, to make money with. That will bring him joy.

Thats when the dionysis thing came in, for awhile it was the drugs that prompted his joy to come to fruition and through the drug use, he was given then the looseness and inner freedom to be able to express his feelings, whatever they were, no matter how dark they were, and that's what gave him his edge and place in the world.

We still have to see what will become of all this in the physical.

Who's to say, he's not going to become a folk singer, that's for sure. But just more at peace with who he is, and that is something he desperately craves.

I cried today when I masturbated. Really bad. I still just want something I can never have.....

Who's to say, I may still get together with him in the future, if he changes enough...But...either I get fine with staying with Mario (or don't) or something drastic, really fuckin drastic has to happen here with me.

All of my dreams, where have they gone? Gone like dust in the wind, no more. I have no more....If I could live your life for a day, I could change. But no, I stay here, and you go away.

I just feel like Trent. So much.How can I not work with him if I feel like him so much? I guess I have to, and with someone who is deciding to ascend, well, what else do I have to say? He is willing to look in the mirror, he is willing to feel his inner most feelings, he is willing to walk the line, he is willing to open his heart and feel and forgive.

I guess that is all that matters. Well, that is all that matters to me. It is healing for both of us, and so much of that needs to happen in a big way, the head tho, damn! The head! So much shit through the head, it is hard to stay alive and breathing and conscious now, that must be our karma with Mike and Tod....ughhhhh

Yup. Looks like it....Still no word from Nick. I have to see what it going on with that, I am awaiting what happens....AFTER I send the package with the completion bracelet, and THEN I will see if I go back to Connecticut or not....whatever....Hahaha, imagine if I get the house?????? All to myself?????????? For alittle bit ;) Until John comes back and says he wants to be with me forever.....hahahaha

I guess, no one is preventing me from dreaming....

written by  napulelehuameae on October 12, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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