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Mel and Kae's Craaaaaaazzzzy Blog

a travel blog by snookyferrit

Unfortunately, we are currently on opposite sides of the world. More fortunately, however, we have this blog to keep in touch!

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I have a really hard time sitting still...

Auburn, United States

Hey you! So, I suck...things have been really busy this week and I haven't found the time to call. Also, I won't be able to call until the 27th because I made a decision a couple days ago, which was to go on my father's Field trip, potentially his last one (although he always says that...I think he might be serious this time though). We're going to southern Colorado...Mesa Verde, Natural Bridges, Black Gunnison Canyon, Lehman Caves...it'll be cool. I'm sorry I didn't get to call you before I leave, but I wanted to let you know that I miss you and I'm thinking of you. Love you, dahling, talk to you when I get back. *hugs*

Love,
~Kae

permalink written by  snookyferrit on July 18, 2008 from Auburn, United States
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That's awesome

Smithtown, United States

Have fun! I'll talk to you eventually.. I had a blast with you on the phone last week.. thinking about it makes me smile! enjoy the trip and the time with your dad- i'm excited for stories. *hugs* Love you and miss you too--

Mel

permalink written by  snookyferrit on July 22, 2008 from Smithtown, United States
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manitees and lemon drop shots...

Rockledge, United States

I deleted the last entry, it's not even worth reflecting on... what up, from florida. It's my first weekend here, in case you don't read this for a while. It's so crazy being here, having been in New York only a couple of days ago... especially having had no plans to step foot off long island before graduating. I can't even begin to describe the way I feel, and that whole "dealing with your inner turmoil without fixating on it" thing is impossible, and i'm still... totally... at a loss for words. I can't even go there... so, i'll just describe my new experiences. I've seen my first lizard, pelican, manatee and dolphin. Had my first lemon drop triple shot, (which I think is a mix of lemon flavored vodka, seltzer water, and garnished with a slice of lemon covered in sugar). I pierced my ears! Mom's friend Robin paid for it and the 24 Karat earrings... If I knew she was going to pay for it, I never even would have told her my ears weren't pierced... But I am learning to accept gifts... I like her a lot, she's free spirited, and looks like she's had one or two (or a million) wild moments in her life. Her husband Randy is a southern gentleman... I watched the Daytona 500 for the first time with them... we ate dinner over there, and robin baked a pie (even though she doesn't like desserts).My mother's next door neighbor's chen and li li have a son named johnny (their aunt is visiting from vietnam for a couple of months).. They remind me so much of Jenny and her family back home. They invited me in for a beer, and we watched, I dunno'... the chinese vma's or something. My mom is friends with her landlord Jen, and her husband Ed.. but i'm not liking them too much right now, so i'll hold off making any judgement for a while... I'm hoping to join an 8 mile hike with my mother's other friend's soon... I like them all a lot.. I just hope I can figure out the bus schedule quickly and meet people my own age. Not that I haven't enjoyed myself to this point, it's just that I want to know what else there is to do around here.. and as much as i like going out to eat and drink, I want to try new things too... I want to know florida in more than one way. Chen is looking at cosmetology schools for me, he owns a nail salon and would probably hire me if I had my license. I've been spending a lot of time with my mom.. we have dinner together every night (she's teaching me how to cook- so far i've learned about the art of preparing nachos and reheating leftovers- (which by the way, if you ever go to TGIFridays, the tropical mint mojito is pretty good).. but soon, i'm sure I will learn how to cook for real. We hang out with Chessie (her dog who's birthday was this last saturday), and watch shows and movies that she's saved on her DVR. I'm enjoying my time spent here (with the exception of going to sleep at night... I stay up thinking about everything i've left in New York, the good and bad)...I think when I get a job and have something more to do in the day time it will be better. Anyway, I have to go make myself busy.. (there's this nice spot for running by the river- by the way, we're within walking distance from cocoa beach, which is much like old town port jeff... we are so close to the water, it's ridiculous)... I'll be leaving a lot of my updates here since I leave my phone at home most of the time (until I learn how to block numbers, I won't be around it much)... I hope all is well... Love you, take care, Mel

permalink written by  snookyferrit on February 16, 2009 from Rockledge, United States
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Fire dog

Rockledge, United States


Did it work?
My mother cooks Chessie a stew once a week. She get's out the big pot, chops up vegetables and boils chicken thighs and legs down. She let's it all boil for a couple of hours. She told me once before that she left the pot on simmer before going to work one day a couple of weeks ago, and the fire department had to come and knock down her door because there was smoke pluming out from the slightly cracked windows. She said that's the only time it's ever happened. The other night she had set the pot to simmer while we were watching our soaps and eating dinner.. after countless hours of days of our lives and all my children, and of course after a nice warm shower I was ready for bed... In my dream I heard Chessie whining, and felt his paw on my hand, I woke up and there he was, pawing my hand and whining into my ear... smoke was everywhere. The second I sat up, he left the room.. I saw the light on in the kitchen. I jumped out of bed and there she was cursing at the boiled down chicken fragments lining the bottom of her brand new pot. As sorry as I was about the pot, (and i know she was even more sorry), we had to laugh... I went out tanning the next day, and could have cried because for three hours of sun exposure I was still white as a ghost. Later on that evening I noticed in the bathroom a tan streak running from my forehead to my kneecaps. Had to laugh again. Today I went job hunting... I picked up app's for Barnie's coffee shop, COBB theatre, Publix grocery store (mom and gene call it pubix), Wal-Mart (Which they refer to as Wally- world), BJ's, Zumiez, and... oh lord, everywhere inside and around the mall... I need to make a friend... I just don't have the chance to get out at all, unless it's with mom... which I have no problem spending time with her, it's usually a lot of fun... it's just... that... fuck it, honestly, I don't want to live vicariously through my mother. All of her friends are nice, and mom knows how to kick back.. but I need to let loose some energy.. talk to people who share my interests, goof off, go nuts... I just feel... muted down... I like being mellow, just not all of the time. I love my mom to death, and she's great to live with... I just need a house key. Pronto. I can go out while she's at work (if i'm not working, that is) and hang out with her at night.. then go back out again when she hits the sack, and hang out with her again in the morning. That way, i'm not a motor ball all the time, and noone's at home in the day time anyway. I think even Chessie is getting sick of me, haha. Anyhoo... It's getting easier to be here... I miss my life, my family and my friends back home... and that just doesn't change... but i'm dealing with it... I can't wait to not be a tourist here anymore.

PS... got the skype memo... i'm ferritgirl... I wanted just Mel... but it's not long enough... bastards.

permalink written by  snookyferrit on February 20, 2009 from Rockledge, United States
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my Future (ahhhhh!) and the psych ward

Bronxville, United States

It's beautiful outside, and yet the wind is making it frigid. I want to go lay in the sun, but I might die from hypothermia, so I'm staying in my room. I moved my bed next to the window last semester so that at times like these, I could bask in the sun from the comfort of my room...Dimo thinks it's kinda creepy that people could look in, but mostly I'm just happy that I can look out.

I had two interviews last Tuesday...one was for the JET program (the Japanese teaching program) and the other was for a non-profit organization called US PIRG that organizes social movements on college campuses/lobbies and canvasses for social change. I went into the city for JET to the Consulate of Japan...man, security is high there. The interview went well, but it also could have gone better...they kind of caught me offguard with a really obvious question, which was whether or not I liked kids...I smiled and lied and then told them that, although I enjoyed children, I would rather work with adolescents. I'm not as good at lying as I used to be...my face tends to give away my emotions now, so I'm not sure if they bought my response or not, lol. Oh well...I did the best I could do, and I'll find out the results in April. For PIRG, I got a second interview, but I'm not sure how I feel about them...I love the idea of working towards social change, but I did some research on the internet and found that there have been a few wage/labor law disputes with an affiliate of PIRG recently...people were getting paid less than minimum wage. PIRG has a fixed salary rather than an hourly salary so that wouldn't be a problem, but I would earn $23,000 a year for 50 to 80 hours of work a week...with that much time spent at PIRG for so little money, I'm not sure if I would be able to pay off my student loans...I wouldn't have enough time to pick up a second job. Also, although I could request a location to work, the possibility that I may end up somewhere completely different is high...I could end up in Alabama, where I'd be shot for sure. So yeah...still not sure what's happening with my life after graduation. But that's okay...no one really does at this point (except for Dimo, and he's just a freak...damn computer programmer...shakes fist). It will all be fine.

On a different note, I got my old volunteer position back at the psych ward...my first day was yesterday, and I am sooooo excited. I was afraid that I'd forgotten a lot, but I was able to work with the same doctor (the Croatian guy with a shaved head and big hoop earring in his left ear...he's awesome and looks like a pirate), and he basically sent me out to talk to patients right away, which was scary as fuck but also boosted my self-esteem a bit. I interviewed a man who could hear the Pope talking to him in his head...apparently, Jesus did this occasionally too. I also had a couple patients make sexual comments toward me though when I was walking through the hall, which I hate...it makes me feel like I'm asking for it by wearing nice clothes to work...but I have to wear nice clothes because that's what you do in professional settings...argh. What if I ever have to interview someone like that one on one with the office door closed? Am I going to have to be afraid because I'm a young woman? I guess this is the first time I've ever had to really think about this, and it upsets me.

On a happier note, I'm happy with my schoolwork and social life...I'm taking a psychopathology class, which is fascinating and reading lots of memoirs written by "mentally ill" people...I love it. I'm writing a lot and Jemma, Anna, and I started our own little writing group in which we have dinner and wine once a week and then critique each other's work. Julia and I have also been spending a lot of time together having study parties and making food and going to random arty shows (we saw the Vagina Monologues and a performing arts pie-eating contest...it was interesting)...Ariele, Sammy, Graham, and I drink beer and play Apples to Apples...life is good right now. I'm going up to Providence to see Dimo this weekend...he came to see me for V-day, so now it's my turn to go up there, which also means that I'll get to see Sarah. I'm enjoying it all, but sometimes i feel spread a little thin...I'm spending so much time soaking up people while I still can that I haven't done the reading for my lecture class in three weeks. Ooops. But I don't regret it.

Speaking of socializing, I have complete faith that you can make friends your own age...you have a gift for connecting with people...I guess the hard part is finding a situation in which to do that. You'll be fine, especially if you get a job. How are things down in Florida? What have you been up to? Have you been keeping in touch with people in NY and do you know what's happening with Meaghan's parents yet? I hope all is well, and I'm really glad your house didn't burn down. :S Tell your mom hi for me, and I send my love to both of you. Hugs!

~Kae

P.S. Awesome pictures! When did you get your ears pierced?!

P.P.S. I posted some pictures from the summer of 2007...I've been meaning to put them on facebook, but I'm not sure if you're using facebook anymore...? Anyhoo, now you can look at them here.

permalink written by  snookyferrit on February 24, 2009 from Bronxville, United States
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Rushed

Rockledge, United States

Every four days I leave an entry on here. It’s not on purpose either. I just took notice when I looked at the dates on the entries today for the first time. I went tanning again today, it’s about 70 degrees… It was pretty clear for a while, but then some clouds rolled in and tanning time was over. Put in a shit ton of app’s on line, and now it’s time to wait… It’s all that I do.. I’m waiting for word about the situation. Waiting for a set of house keys. Waiting to go outside and have some freedom. Waiting for a call back. My life has become a waiting game, and I’m sick of it. I sound selfish and whiny, I know… and it’s not like I’m a caged animal… I just have about the worst case of cabin fever ever… But that all may change soon... I may start dropping mom off at work in the morning.. leaving me the car (wooo hooo!).. and a set of keys for the house (wooo hooo hooo!).. So, I think this means that i'm going to have a life again, soon (woooooooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!)..

Wow... well, the pics.. man, those days to me are like a foggy dream. I think about your friends a lot.. but Hannah, Tony, and Jemma especially. It's strange to think that I knew them as they were years before and I often wonder who they've blossomed into today. I know it hasn't been that long, but look how far you've come and then do the math.

I don't have many pictures here to look on and think back to... I miss you more now that I have these to look at, but in a good way. I miss you now, but with the anticipation of seeing you again... soooome day... I almost forgot we took those. I want to climb the rocks again! and smoke weed on the edge of the porch of death. And listen to Hannah go on and on about her boy problems.

Enough reminiscing, lol... Man, you have your hands full... I know it's hard balancing all those things and a social life, but i'm sure if it comes down to it, you'll prioritize... and i'm not surprised about the writing group or the “arty shows”... that's who you all are... sounds like a lot of fun.

Your future is fine. It will all be okay. You are determined and smart as hell and this is life, man, often times there aren’t plans set in stone.. but you know who you are, and you know what you love, and you haven’t been studying all this time for nothing… somebody will find you, or you will find somebody or you’ll find it in yourself and the path you choose will be explosively good. I’m not worried for you at all.

As far as children go… eh, one or two bad experiences? I remember them… brush your shoulder off, kid. If they stick you with the little one’s, just remember that you’re there to make a difference… and you will. But if they give you the adolescents, man, congrats. And if you don’t make it, you’ll make it somewhere else.

PIRG concerns me a bit.

The psych ward thing on the other hand... awesome... really, awesome that you're back there. The patients- don't let them get to you. Keep them at a distance, and keep hospital security in mind. It scares me to think about what they could be capable of... just stick to your guns, and react right away if you see any red flags (any at all)... every job comes with risks, and if it's a job that you love, sometimes you have to take those risks... you're smart, you'll be okay.

I gotta’ go… I’ll update on my life next time. See ya’ in four days probably.


permalink written by  snookyferrit on February 24, 2009 from Rockledge, United States
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Small rant

Rockledge, United States

“I went running yesterday, by the Indian river. It was beautiful.. the sun reflected off the ripples of water that expanded on forever. There are 50,000 varieties of palm trees, i think, and they all line the riverbank. I ran until I couldn't think about anything anymore... concentrated on pacing myself, on getting rid of a cramp, on the sifting sand and rocks in my shoes... I sat underneath an overpass and watched lizards sunbathe. I stayed out until the sun started to go down. The sky turned grapefruit pink.” That’s what I wrote to Rosa the day after her lecture to me about letting go of the people I’ve come to love. She is looking out for me, and at times she has to be a rock herself, to protect me. Especially during my weak moments, when I want to reach out to Meg, Suzie, Steph, Vinny, and Julianne. When I want to risk my freedom to tell them that I love them, and that I’m not abandoning them. She yelled at me using capital letters on facebook chat. That I have to let go, that I’d be risking myself, my future, any scrap of hope by talking to them. That I need to come out of this intact. I had to agree. She’s right. She always is. And as I deleted each one of them from my friends list, my heart sunk a little deeper into my chest. Until I was done, and there was nothing left to feel. And I flew out of my head, and found a place to curl into myself, and hold myself until the next day. And I woke up and knew that I had to get rid of it. So, I ran.

I can’t even describe what it’s been like. Being told to forget, and leave my entire life behind. Everything I’ve worked for, everyone I love… to reclaim, what? My dignity? Hah, please… I still have my dignity. My future? I can’t reclaim that. There’s nothing there. Everything I saw ahead of me is gone. My entire vision, wiped away. I know that I can take this blank canvas and make something beautiful. I know that I have to move forward, Sever all ties to everything I knew. Start fresh. Clean. But I didn’t feel un-clean! I was happy, damn it! We all were… and there’s my one link. We share that. I can’t let go, because they can’t let go. I won’t if they won’t. So what do I call this? Pretend? Fine. Game face on. Wall up. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.

Damn it! I’m so arrrrgh! So sad. So frustrated, SO angry. I don’t know who to direct it at. I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t write… Here they are! Those nasty, filthy feelings… the rage, the pain, the next to hysterical twisting -knotted -glass shard- sharp bone- blood battered- hair raising- teeth clenching -white knuckled feelings that make me want to scream at the top of my freakin lungs!!!… and the second I open my mouth, NOOOTHING.

I just run. I take in the beauty around me and imagine it’s a blanket, soothing me. Letting my mind rest. I am grounded with every foot fall, and I am grateful for dirt and sand. I am grateful for Amanda Fucking Palmer and the Dresden dolls who take me to another place and time. I run until I feel like something is exploding inside of me. Then I walk, and I watch the world throb and pull away.

I have to be done with this. I haven’t allowed myself to think about it consciously until now, and I can’t. I have to numb myself from it, and put it away until it’s safe to take out again. It’s time to work. It’s time for me to rebuild. I have a new place, and a new life. And the two cannot mix. I have to separate them, like peas and corn on a plate. I can only focus on one of them at a time, and I choose Florida. I can’t do anything about New York that I haven’t already done. Florida is here and now, right in front of me, and I can't can't can't can't CAN'T live in the past like I chose to so many times before. I choose the opposite, and that's the end of this rant.


permalink written by  snookyferrit on February 27, 2009 from Rockledge, United States
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weeeeeee!

Rockledge, United States

Um, wow... has it really been 5 days? Things have been so much better... I went on an 8.2 mile hike on sunday with my mom and her friends Doug and Cathy... Doug and I trailed ahead... and the last half of it I jogged... did I mention I went bare foot? (It was a dare) Oh my god, it felt so good to finish. Every bit of it actually felt good, in an odd way. Pushing myself felt good. Pacing myself felt good. Being out of my head felt damn good. Granted, my legs didn't feel good today. But it gave me an excuse to take a luke warm bath in lavender oil. My mother has a yoga mat which i'm going to use tomorrow morning to stretch, and then i'm going back to run down Rockledge Blvd. A lot of people stopped trying to contact me after the Great facebook deletion. As terrible as I feel about having to do it, it actually feels good to not be swarmed with calls that I have to ignore, and messages that I have to erase... it's good to not have my focus drawn away from the things here. Now I can try to put it all behind me, and channel any remaining emotions through running. I would complain about how it's in the 40's/50's here, but I thought I heard somewhere that you guys got 8-11 inches of snow and well... look on the Bright side... snow is pretty! Hope all is good... You must be busy, take care of yourself... no brain emplosions, k?

permalink written by  snookyferrit on March 2, 2009 from Rockledge, United States
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siiiiiccckkkk

Bronxville, United States

Hey dear, sorry I haven't gotten back to you lately...there has been a plague going around SLC and it seems that I have caught it...I feel like Death shat on my immune system. I'll get back to you once I feel I actually have the power to be coherent. Glad things are looking up!

Love,
Kae

P.S. I actually had a nightmare the other night about not being able to breathe through my nose, and when I woke up, it was true...how sad is that?

permalink written by  snookyferrit on March 4, 2009 from Bronxville, United States
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honesty

Bronxville, United States

Hey girl. I'm glad you're feeling better about things, although I do think--as always--it's best not to tuck the hard things away and to meet them head on. I only say this because you said in your small rant the other day that it was the first time you'd really let yourself think about it consciously...perhaps you should be letting yourself more often? Not dwelling or stewing, of course...just thinking.

As for me, I'm going to be very honest right now, and I hope it doesn't hurt you in any way. It's hard for me to hear about everything you left behind on Long Island, how happy you were and how much you love people who can no longer be in your life. Not that I don't want you to be happy...happiness was all I wanted for you since the beginning, especially when we were dating...but that's the point. I feel like I worked soooo hard while we were dating, pushing you to take care of yourself and reach for happiness/healthiness, and I was met with so much opposition, often at the expense of my own emotions. And the happiness you've found in the last year is yours...YOU worked for it, and I am so proud of you. At the same time, however, I can't help but feel that Meg and Suzie and Vinny and everyone reaped the fruits of my labors in addition to yours...I endured a lot of heartache when we were together and still didn't get to see the side of you that they got to...that side of you came later after I ran out of the picture for the sake of my own growth. I know that none of this has to do with me, the Meg thing doesn't have to do with me, but it hurts to know that you had the potential to be the person you were for her all along, but you couldn't do it for me. It hurts that you would risk going to prison for her, but you wouldn't see a psychiatrist for me. While I understand that you were a different person during Meg time and Kae time and that kind of growth cannot be forced, it is still difficult for me to hear you talk about Meg time...it kind of reawakens feelings of abandonment for me. I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm soooo sorry you're in pain over having to leave NY and nothing that happened to you was fair...but I'm still not sure I want to hear about how much you love her/them/your old life. I'm not saying this to hurt you...I'm just being honest about how it makes ME feel. I'm happy to talk to you about Florida and your future plans and whatnot, and I hope we'll always be able to talk about that...but I'm not ready to talk about other people that you love, other people that you sacrificed for.

On a completely different and less heavy note, I have the Flu from Hell, and Emily is supposed to come from Philadelphia to visit me this weekend...it will be the first time she's made it to NY in the four years we've been back east, and I have the Plague. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think? I'm not allowing myself to leave my house, not that I really could if I wanted to...Julia had to go grocery shopping for me yesterday coz I was all out of food, but I was too weak to go to the store...it was really sweet of her/pathetic on my part. I've been sleeping about 17 hours a day...I feel like a cat. On an even different note, did I tell you that Ellie--Hannah's mom--moved to Vermont for the last semester that Hannah is here? She quit her job--it's about time, she's hated it for years--and rented out her house in Auburn and totally relocated to be out in the woods/fresh air...that woman is my hero. If I get better before spring break, I definitely want to go visit them.

Okay, I've been awake for about three hours, and now I think I should go to bed again. Take care and keep running...it sounds like it's been very therapeutic for you! Absorb as much sun and happy nature energy as possible. :)

Love,
Kae

permalink written by  snookyferrit on March 5, 2009 from Bronxville, United States
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