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Being A Tourist - Day 1

Cairns, Australia

On account of the abject boredom and the desperate need for anything resembling Decent Conversation I got to Cairns a couple of days earlier than expected, arriving on the same day as Mum and Dad thus dashing any hope they had of a quite couple of days recovering from jet lag, getting used to the heat and humidity and generally relaxing. I dropped the girls off in town and drove to Palm Cove to meet the pair that spawned me for the first time in 17 months and began three weeks of renouncing noodles and dorm rooms in order to Be A Tourist.

I've broken this down into bite sized pieces to make it easier to wade through, not that anyone is gonna read it anyway, I don't know why I bother half the time. Its a bloody good job I'm just about self centred enough to enjoy telling the world all about me me me regardless of whether they like it or not.


Today we were going to Cairns Tropical Zoo in the morning then we were going to make some plans for the next couple of weeks in the afternoon, we'd get a nice early start, they'd call me when they were up and I'd drive in from town. I gave them until about 10.30am before I called to get them up.
I don't know, parents ay, lying in their pits until god knows what hour, anyone would think they were on holiday. So the afternoon plans were abandonded and instead we just chilled at the zoo. There'd be plenty of time for planning later and anyways, planning is best done over a beer.


Mum And Dad Feeding Roos

Mauling Crocs

The zoo is cool though, its $29 each to get in but you can easily fill a whole day there with the obligatory reptile talks, crocodile shows and cups of tea at the cafe plus you get to manhandle saltwater crocs before they get too big to remove limbs. And and and! I got to cuddle a koala for the first time. I kind of forgot they existed, they don't have koalas in WA or the NT which is where I'd been living, I'd stopped associating Australia with koalas thinking instead about stingers and crocodiles and other things that'd generally keep you out of the water on a blazing hot day.


We Make A Beautiful Couple, So Much In Common.

If I had a totem animal the koala would be it. They're cute and cuddly (oi, stop laughing you fuckers!), sleep for 16 to 20 hours a day and eat food of no nutritional value whatsoever. If they drank I'm sure it'd be goon. So we spent the best part of the day there then headed back to Palm Cove for dinner.

One of the best things about Being A Tourist is the food, no more boiling noodles for 2 minutes in a kitchen which you have to share with 100 other people and probably e-coli. Oh no. Its cafes for lunch and restaurants for dinner.

I wondered how my body was going to cope with Nutrients.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 5, 2007 from Cairns, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 2

Cairns, Australia

On account of the lack of planning the day before it was a quite one today, me and dad went sea kayaking round Double Island which was nice whilst mum chilled out on the mainland.


"I'm Comfortable With My Sexuality" Pink Kayak

Butch Blue Kayak


The Headland

Double Island

Cairns is promoted as the place where the rainforest meets reef but you don't really get the full impact of that until you look back at it from the ocean and see the headland covered in trees with the top of it shrouded in cloud. It's a beautiful place but so unlike what I'd become accustomed to in Australia, I was sort of missing the Eucalypts, the scrub and the vast open deserts but at the same time I love how diverse this country is. Oh its such a hard life ay. Which amazing place shall I visit next?

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 6, 2007 from Cairns, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 3

Cairns, Australia

Ok so today we were Doing Stuff. We were getting off our arses and going to Kuranda which is a little rainforest township a mere rail ride from Cairns. And by rail I mean Skyrail, a sort of cable car ride that takes you over the canopy giving you amazing views of the rainforest with the ocean as a backdrop. So I suppose I could just about get used to this new idea of Australia. You have the opportunity to jump off at two places and go for a walk to look at Barron Falls before getting back on and continuing through to the town.


The Skyrail

Looking Out Of The Skyrail

Kuranda is impossibly pretty, it doesn't look real. It feels like it gets packed up at 6pm when all the tourists go home and is taken out again in the morning like some kind of stage set, I half expected the locals to suddenly start singing and dancing like we were in some kind of bizarre musical. Mercifully they didn't. We had some time to kill before we were picked up to go horseriding so on the advice of a random Frenchman clutching a shingleback lizard we headed to Australia Venom Zoo where we parted with $15 each to go and look at some poisonous stuff.


Australia Venom Zoo
We were shown around by a guy who clearly had no fear of things with too many legs. I'm fine with snakes, insects don't bother me, crocodiles are cool and whilst stingers are a bugger I know to keep out of the water and avoid them. But spiders? Oh fuck no, I can't handle spiders. They're the manifestation of all that is evil, nothing has any need to be that shape and there's just no need for them. We have fly spray these days and anyway, the ones that were on show here would probably turn down flies in favour of a nice, juicy human limb. He took a tarantula out of its tank and I realised I'd instinctively backed away about 3 metres, I swear it was looking at me and licking its chops.

He then showed us another spider sat in a mesh of web which turned out to be a Funnel Web spider but not a Sydney Funnel Web which, as indicated by its name, is found in and around Sydney. Oh no. This was a Far North Queensland Funnel Web and... hang on... weren't we in...? Oh fuck! This was a brand new species they'd just discovered, so new that they'd only ever found 5 of them but in order to create an anti-venom they needed 500. He went on to tell us that they're found north of Mossman in and around the Daintree Rainforest but if we were out walking in the area we'd be lucky to find one. Lucky?

Lucky??

Getting six numbers in the lottery is lucky. Backing the winner of the Grand National at 100:1, that's lucky. Walking in the rainforest and stumbling across the deadliest spider in Australia with a bite that can kill you in 15 minutes for which there is no anti-venom? That's not exactly on my list of Lucky Things To Do This Week.


Blazing Saddles Souvenier Photo

Dad's First Time On A Horse Ever

After I'd been suitably traumatised we went to the meeting point where we'd be picked up by Blazing Saddles for a few hours wandering the rainforest on horseback. This was something Dad wanted to do because he'd never been on a horse in the entire 52 years he'd been on the planet. I'd not got on a horse for about 16 years and neither had Mum.

Horses don't have a stop button or seat belts, there's nothing to stop you from falling off but grim determination and a death-like grip and the only thing to break your fall is the ground. Things that are recommended whilst riding are long trousers and a top with sleeves to avoid scratches from branches, sunscreen and a pair of sunnies to hide the look of abject terror in your eyes. It was fun though and despite the mildly sore arse due to the trotting they made us do we had a good time.


Stoney Creek Falls

Not Always Overly Scenic

Then it was home again via the scenic railway which winds its way back to Freshwater station, slowing down for Stoney Creek falls and general outstanding views.

Such a hard life. I don't know how I cope.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 7, 2007 from Cairns, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
tagged PotentialDeath, LovinIt and ShamelessTourist
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Being A Tourist - Day 4

Mareeba, Australia

It is generally agreed in backpacker circles that 3am is a time you stay up until and not a time you get up at. However, when you're a tourist all the rules change, especially when you're going hot air ballooning at dawn in Mareeba which would be a nice leisurely drive if it wasn't on the other side of a hideous, winding road that's enough to make you sea sick. Plus we'd be doing the drive in the dark and there are all kinds of things that like to jump out in front nice, shiny cars at night on Australian roads. So yeah, I stayed over in Mum and Dad's nice air conditioned room in my swag and we dragged ourselves out of our pits at 3 o' clock in the morning and yes, there really is a 3 o' clock in the morning, its not a myth. I crawled into the back of my parents rental car with my pillow and was woken up when we got there. Not only was I now a tourist I'd regressed to the age of 5 again. Maybe later they'd get me a colouring book and some sweeties.


Ohhhh So THAT'S What Dawn Looks Like

There are a few companies that run dawn balloon tours and they all generally launch from the same spot in the morning once they've worked out where the best spot that day would be based on wind speed and direction. Its all very technical. What Raging Thunder, the company we flew with do is stick a birthday candle in a piece of card and light it, put it in a white supermarket bag, attach two helium balloons to it and watch where it goes. I tried to ignore the eco warrior within ranting about littering the Queensland countryside with plastic.

This is one of those Words Don't Do It Justice Moments, apart from the roaring flame that keeps you in the air firing up every so often its so quiet, you get to watch the sun come up from a basket floating above the earth. I thought I'd be scared but I wasn't, I guess if I'm not expected to jump off or out of something then heights are ok with me. After we'd landed the second group jumped in and we followed the balloon in a coach to the second landing spot where we all helped pack it away. Its weird how its easier to get the air out of a massive balloon than it is out of an air mattress, you know how you can never quite fit it back in its box because there's always some pocket of air you missed? Well the balloon was packed away, stuffed into a bag and loaded onto a trailer in no time then it was off for a cooked brekky where I pulled my usual backpacker trick of Eating Until Movement Becomes Painful. Fortunately I only had to spend the rest of the day sat in the back of a car being driven through the Atherton Tablelands from waterfall to waterfall.


Flying High

My love of waterfalls is well documented, since I left Perth and discovered Karijini National Park, The Kimberley and Litchfield I renounced beaches and oceans in favour of fresh water swimming holes and waterfalls. I love them and the Tablelands have an abundance of them. When me and the Chinese girls were camping at Georgetown I'd got chatting to a proud local who'd given me a map and marked the Must See places so we dutifully went to see them.


Elinjaa Falls

Zillie Falls


Milla Milla

Some Random Shitty Falls Somewhere

She'd told me if I do nothing else have a swim in Lake Eachem. The water is the perfect temperature, not too cold but cool enough for a hot day, its perfectly still, motorised water sports are banned and its like swimming in velvet.

Velvet. Yeah right. Crazy lady.

But I like to swim so I got my kit off and jumped in and oh my god, its like swimming in velvet. It really is, the water is so soft, its gorgeous, seriously. There's BBQ facilties there an all, it's be the perfect place to go and spend the day and if you're lucky you'll see turtles. We weren't lucky this time.


Lake Eacham. Like Swimming In Velvet. No, Really.

Lets hope we don't get lucky enough to find a FNQ Funnel Web when we're walking in the Daintree either.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 8, 2007 from Mareeba, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 7

Undara Volcanic National Park, Australia

Today we were heading west a wee bit, about 250km out of Cairns to the Undara Lava Tubes. I'd done this drive on the way into Cairns, its a harsh one with the roads being about as wide as a road train and yes, its a road train route. It requires masses of concentration for the driver and it can get dull for passengers, especially those that aren't used to travelling long distances over land. 250km isn't a long way for me anymore, I did a 500km round trip in a day once to look at a Big Ram but it really got to Mum I think so we abandoned an idea we'd have to drive 500km to Airlie Beach to look at the Whitsunday Islands.

We stopped at Innot Hot Springs on the way for a cup of tea because we're the typical English types that will drink tea in any weather regardless of the heat. Now here's the thing about Innot Hot Springs. They're hot. Really really hot. Dad put his foot in it and nearly scalded himself, we needn't have bother boiling water for a brew ay.


Having A Dip At Undara

Drinking Beer And Cooking Roo

Once at the Tubes we checked into our accommodation and cooked up some roo on the BBQ before settling in round the fire pit, dousing myself in mozzy spray before I sat down thus making myself flammable. Great. Especially giving my history of setting myself on fire.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 11, 2007 from Undara Volcanic National Park, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 8

Cairns, Australia

There's not a lot you can say about the Undara Lava Tubes. They're interesting, I enjoyed the tour but I can't for the life of me think of anything even vaguely entertaining to write here. They were formed by a shield volcano (that's one of the flatter ones that have a constant lava flow as opposed to the steeper once that have sporadic, violent eruptions, fact fans) a long long time ago, before even the Rolling Stones started making music and Cher discovered face lifts. The lava flowed and hardened on the outside but the centre remained molten and flowed right out thus forming the tubes.

So yeah, they're worth a visit I reckon and its a nice place to stay overnight.

By the time we got back to Cairns it was pissing it down, I didn't know whether to have a shower or just stand in the street for 10 minutes. Apart from, like, seven drops of rain in Broome once I hadn't seen anything falling from the sky since Perth. Weird.

Anyway, tonight I was going to have a brief Backpacker Interlude before we headed up to Cape Tribulation the next day. Irma, a Dutch girl I'd met in Alice and who I was slowly becoming overly fond of and a few of her mates rocked up to Cairns so I armed myself with a bag of goon and wandered over to their hostel where I proceeded to get very drunk and stay up past my bedtime so I kidnapped Irma and made her stay awake with me until Mum and Dad came and picked me up. I'm sure it was a lovely drive but I slept all the way through it.

I should imagine it'll be just as lovely on the way back down.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 12, 2007 from Cairns, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 9

Cape Tribulation, Australia

Cape Tribulation can be easily described in one word. Paradise. Set in the Daintree Rainforest, you emerge from the trees straight onto the beach and it just takes your breath away and the only words you can manage are, "Fuck me, that's pretty!"

But whilst its probably one of the most amazing places on Earth don't bother visiting if you're scared of salties, jellyfish, killer spiders or large, flightless birds with claws that can rip your guts out or you'll probably spend the entire time curled up in the corner of your room weeping gently. It is advisable whilst visiting Cape Tribulation to carry a big stick.


Rainforest Meets Reef

You also have to get used to being permanently damp, its either so humid that merely breathing makes you sweat like a blind lesbian in a fish shop or its pissing down with the kind of rain that Manchester would be proud of. But still, I love it here.

Saturday however was a write off. We ate some food, I topped up my alcohol levels and promptly caught up on some sleep.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 13, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 10

Cape Tribulation, Australia

One of the least sensible things you can do is look up a good mate who you haven't seen for months the night before you're due to go out on a boat but that's what I did. I'd heard Raz was working at PK's Jungle Village so I found him and told him I'd be back a bit later for a few drinks then me, Mum and Dad headed off to do some more horse riding.

Ok, so yeah, horse riding is fun and I wasn't quite as worried as I was last time until they said the C word. No, not that one, the other one. Canter. As in faster than a trot. As in, hold on, close your eyes and hope for the best.


Horse Riding On Cape Trib Beach

Mum, Dad And Me On Cape Trib Beach

Ohhh-kayyyy then, and here's me with expired medical insurance. Everyone else looked every inch the professional as I bounced around the saddle sustaining extensive bruising to my posterior and indeed my dignity although we're getting to be quite the experts now. Maybe tomorrow I'd buy a 10 gallon hat and go Lasso me some bulls.

And here's where I made the mistake of going back to PK's, as soon as I rocked up I was handed a jug of snake bite. For those of you who don't know, snake bite is half cider half lager usually with a dash of red cordial. Some pubs in Britain refuse to serve it because it gets you very drunk very quickly and can make some people violent. So that was a good idea then.


Raz

But it was a wicked night, it was awesome to see Raz, one of my favourite people in the world and I randomly bumped into Irma and Dorien again because they were up for a night to check out Cape Trib. I was picked up at midnight which in theory would have given me plenty of sleep to recover if I hadn't pumped my body full of some of the worst alcohol known to man including something called a Flaming Looney which is a shot that you set on fire. I'm sorry but drunk people plus fire can only lead to third degree burns. I was lucky I made it back to Cape Trib Beach House in one piece.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 14, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia
from the travel blog: Sod Off Great Big Mission Round Oz
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Being A Tourist - Day 11

Cape Tribulation, Australia


Poorly Sick
Oh my god I hurt in the way only goon makes you hurt which wasn't going to help the fact I get ill at sea anyway. It was the kind of hurt that only copious amounts of tea, bacon, eggs and lying on the floor moaning can fix but no, I had to get on Odyssey H2O which would take us out to the Great Barrier Reef for a day of snorkeling and an intro scuba dive. During the 45 minute ride out to the Mackay Reef I emptied the sparse contents of my stomach into the ocean along with several other people. It was a little bit choppy which made things worse so I took up residence at the back of the boat where I alternated between retching over the side and lying in the corner feeling very sorry for myself. Once we'd moored at the reef it didn't go away, the only relief was getting in the water for a snorkel which was pretty fucking awesome, not a bad way to relieve nausea.


Dad Going For His Try Dive

In The Water

The reef is awesome beyond words, its just a shame they didn't let me do an intro dive because I was so ill. Something about being dehydrated and losing too many nutrients or something, I wouldn't mind but I probably didn't have any nutrients to begin with, I've been functioning perfectly well without nutrients for the last 17 months thank you very much. Ah well, I'd go out again when I hadn't consumed the majority of the contents of a goon bag.


Heading Back To Land. Sweet Joy Of Joys.

By the time we got back to the mainland I just wanted the world to stop moving, I fully understood the concept of falling to your knees and gathering handfuls of sand and kissing it, overjoyed at finally reaching shore. I resisted in favour of going home for a nice sleep.

Fuck I must be getting old.

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 15, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia
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Being A Tourist - Day 12

Cape Tribulation, Australia

Tuesday was a designated rest day. A day to chill out, maybe sit on the beach, just generally relax.


The Unsinkable River Train. Sounds Like A Challenge
Relax? What is this Relax of which you speak? Instead, we drove down to the Daintree River for a cruise on the River Train which is the only one of its kind in the world. There are no life jackets on board because they don't need them, every one of the carriages is a life boat and the River Train has been certified unsinkable. Just like the Titanic. Although the River Train has the advantage of a distinct lack of icebergs in the Daintree River and to be honest, a life jacket in a croc infested river isn't really gonna do you the world of good now is it.

It's a nice enough cruise, we only saw one tiny croc on a log but it was cool. Once we were back on land we drove up to the Daintree Discovery Centre, it was a random stop because we thought they might have tea. They did. And cake. And all kinds of exciting stuff for you to look at such as rainforest and things to do such as an aerial rainforest walk. Who'd have thunk it, right here in the rainforest.


Daintree Aeriel Walk

At The Top Of The Rainforest


Walkway Through The Trees

The Daintree. Some Of It Anyway.

Obviously we still weren't over trees so we had a wander round the walkway to the top which is a measly 23 metres. I think Valley Of The Giants is 40 metres and Otways Skywalk is about 47 metres but these places don't have all kinds of plants with needles and barbs that want to stick in you and cause you pain such as the Wait-A-While, so called because if it catches your clothes or flesh you just have to wait a while for someone to come and rescue you. For once I wasn't the spikiest thing in the area and I was becoming less worried about the elusive FNQ Funnel Web and more worried about being attacked by foliage.


For Once I'm Not The Spikest Thing In The Area

Strangler Fig

We didn't see any cassowaries here though, the rare, endangered and horribly vicious bird which inhabits the Daintree but we'd seen one a few days previous right outside our cabin at Cape Trib Beach House. Here's me demonstrating the correct way to act when confronted by one of these dangerous birds.


Bring It, Bitch

You're meant to make yourself as big as possible and back away slowly whilst bystanders take your photo and mock you. The warning posters tell you to never take your eyes off the bird and if it begins to get aggressive to hold something out in front of you such as a bag or a jumper.

A jumper. In the fucking rainforest.

Although to be honest if I was confronted by one of these things I'd probably just run screaming like the bitch that I am, never mind that it'd outrun me and tear me from limb to limb. Its like telling you to stand very very still and not move whilst an Inland Taipan slithers over your feet, clearly you'd kick it and run.

And that is reason number 26 why I should never try and go feral in the bush.


Chill Out, Not Flat Out

permalink written by  Koala Bear on October 16, 2007 from Cape Tribulation, Australia
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