So, I'm in New Zealand...crazy shit yo. I already told you about how I've been kayaking, hiking, and mountain boarding (resulting in the unpleasant sheep poop experience), but so much has happened since then that I don't know where to start. I've been in Dunedin itself since last Saturday...in case you have a map, we flew from Auckland to Christchurch to Dunedin...then at the airport we found out that a bunch of our luggage had been left in Christchurch. No toilettries after travel makes Kae sad and smelly. We made the most of things though...I moved into my flat, which is kind of like my house at Sarah Lawrence, although my flatmates are three Americans, a Canadian, and a Kiwi (aka New Zealander). I wasn't there for long though...at 8:00 my orientation group went out to dinner at a pizza place nearby, and then my friends Sarah, Ethan, Gillian, and I bought a bottle of Captain Morgans and went dancing. Sarah is awesome...she is a writer who also likes to write about dark and dismal things, like me...she's also a complete hippie at heart and loves to walk barefoot, sleep outside, and smoke a ton of pot. Ethan is brilliant...he goes to Brown, but is originally from Berkeley, so we bonded over the wonders of northern California...I'm almost completely convinced that he's gay, even though he claims that he's straight...he has a lot of the same manneurisms as Keith, which just doesn't scream "Straight!" to me...and Gillian is really nice...sometimes she can come off as a bit ditzy, but I think she's smart nonetheless. Anyhoo, they were all at orientation with me, but we don't live in the same flats...we have to walk to each other's houses, but that's okay because they all live really close. Anyway, we all went dancing at a bar/club about fifteen minutes walk from my place called Captain Cook's...it's really popular with university students...it was also just like I imagined a college club would be...crazy dark lighting, sticky floor, bodies squeezed so tightly together that you can tell whether the person next to you is wearing cotton or nylon...that kind of thing. It was a lot of fun, but we only stayed out until 2:00 or so because we were all tired.
Erm, what have I done since then? I've been to the beach and I got soooo sunburned...did you know that the holes in the ozone layer are situated above New Zealand? I look like a tomato. Anyway, we also went on a gorgeous train ride through the Tairie (sp?) Gorge, which was beautiful...it's this huge gorge that passes through all sorts of vegatation and fields...I felt like I was in Lord of the Rings the whole time. We also got to stand between the cars on the train so that we were actually kind of outside as the scenery passed...I took lots of pictures...I'll have to post them. I've also done boring things like sign up for classes and open a NZ bank account and whatnot. For the most part though, I've been drinking and hanging out...a lot. Dunedin is definitely a college town......a ridiculous proportion of the population here consists of college students...you can wander through the streets at night with open containers of alcohol and not worry about getting arrested...since I've gotten here, I've seen people running around in togas, people painted blue and yellow, people in wigs, all smashed...I've seen students knock a fence down and throw eggs at freshmen...I've also seen them duct tape their friends to chairs and force them to drink massive quantities of alcohol through frighteningly large funnels...I pass about ten houses every day where the yards are unabashedly littered with dozens of beer bottles/cans/cups...the bars stay open all night here and people go out to drink at 4:00 in the morning...just to paint you a picture of the crazy shit that goes down here. I've heard orientation week is especially crazy, so I wonder if the madness will continue next week after classes have started. We'll see.
Well, I have to get going because my friends and I are going to see some sort of traditional Kiwi dance thing at the Monkey Bar, an old cathedral complete with full-sized organ that someone turned into a bar...it's exciting. I'll try to write more soon though and post pictures. I miss you, ferrit girl...good-night sleep tight.
I can't stay on late because I have class tomorrow and i still have to find out where my classes are (oops), but I just wanted to say hi. I'm glad everything's going well for you and that everyone loves you so much at Empire Ginger, even if you want Ralph's to start again soon. What did Jenny say when you told her you were a lesbian?! That's exciting news.
Things here have been more mellow the last couple of days...everyone's starting to get worn down from partying so much, which is good because classes start tomorrow. I have 4 classes tomorrow...Music Technology, a lit class on crime fiction, Social and Applied Psychology, and Statistics. Blahhhhh. At least it will be new and interesting.
Oh, one more thing...on Friday I did something called Seven Deadly Sins at a local bar...if you take 7 shots in a row, one for each sin, you get a tshirt...I did it without throwing up! Yay! I think I'm going to stay away from alcohol for a little while now though...I had my party week, but I like being sober too, and my body would probably appreciate me returning to that state.
So, I better go. I love you and I miss you! Oh, and I posted pictures...I hope you like them...I love yours. Talk to you soon and good-night sleep tight.
On a different note, I posted an entry in response to your other entry, but I don't think it worked. How is Grandpa doing? And you told Jenny you were a lesbian?! How did she react? Maybe now she'll stop forcing her brother upon you, lol.
So, things here have been busy, but a lot of fun. My friends and I went camping last weekend...we drove to a random beach that had a bunch of huge caves about 100 yards from the shore...we built a bonfire and slept in the cave...about 25 people ended up showing up too, so it was kind of a crazy party...we're all really poor right now, so all we had to nourish ourselves all weekend was plain rice, plain pasta, and whiskey. It was so much fun, but I think eating should be a priority next time. This weekend we're driving up north to the Wild Foods Festival...tons of people gather for this festival and eat things like crocodile and kangaroo and crickets...it's supposed to be a lot of fun and supposedly there's live music, which is awesome. The only problem is that it's supposed to rain, and our tent is old and not completely waterproof...fun fun fun. The weather is the only thing I've really been frustrated with so far in coming to New Zealand...I think it has PMS. The first week we got here, it was unseasonably cold for a couple of days and then it warmed up for about a week or a week and a half...now it's been cold and rainy for awhile, which makes me nervous as to what winter will be like. I wake up in the mornings and it usually takes me an obscene amount of time to get out of bed because it's so cold and there's no heating. I have discovered long johns though, and although I feel like an old lady when I'm wearing them, they are my new best friend. Oh, and on a completely random note, New Zealanders drive on the left side of the road, and I tried it for the first time last weekend...it's terrifying, especially when you're turning. I almost had a stroke while I was driving, as did the people in the car with me. Ooops. Well, I better get ready to go to this food festival. I miss you, I hope you're doing well, I love you, and I'm SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE OKAY. Take care darling.
~Kae
I now know how you felt, and I wish I could take it back. I now know what I put you through- how you couldn't win. I didn't even know how I was hurting you, even though you tried to tell me. I didn't even understand how much I was hurting you, even though I thought I did. When I said I was sorry, I didn't know that I was only covering the surface wounds. Believe me, I truly was sorry, but I didn't realize then that sorry just wasn't enough. I thought it was worse for me, that you just didn't understand- but it was bad for the both of us. I can't believe I see it now. It must have exhausted you.
I never would have known, had we not taken this time apart. It might have had the opportunity to happen again if I didn't take this time to see- had I not taken this time to change. It's not going to happen, not anymore, not to anybody. I couldn't bare it, especially knowing what I know now.
I can't believe how different life is now. I think i've finally come to peace with my past. Though I can't change it, it doesn't have control over who I am anymore. I'm not crazy, I wasn't really crazy before- I was troubled and I didn't want to believe it. I thought that my past didn't matter, that the problem was me. I was fooling myself- I was only half the problem. The past was under my skin, and I refused to see. And I thought (truly thought) that I was just crazy- that I was just unique, and the way I was- was who I was born being.
But that's not the truth. The truth is that I was born a good person. I was born honest, and loving, and happy- what happened to me is what changed that. I could fool myself into believing that my past had nothing to do with it, but it would catch up to me- and it would hurt me and anyone close to me. I couldn't cope with it all and I had to battle for control of my mind. And I couldn't remember a lot of what happened which made me believe that it was all made up. I drank, did drugs and hurt myself- and that assaulted my body and fucked up my chemicals even more, and may have even caused the imbalance that I sometimes deal with now.
I ended up hurting those closest to me, convincing myself that I was the one who was really getting hurt- because I had spent so much of my life where it was that way, and I didn't think it could possibly be any other way.
Now that I have this total honesty rule, over time i've discovered the truth. That I was miserable because I allowed myself to be- because that's who I thought I was. I kicked up so much dirt while trying to change, and got nowhere.. because I was barking up the wrong tree. I was searching for answers in all the wrong places. In that process I hurt you. I'm sorry.
I should have opened up to you more, it probably would have helped. I convinced myself that it wouldn't. By not opening up, I didn't let myself see- I couldn't see the truth, even though I thought I could. I didn't know how to be totally happy, even though I probably could have been. I probably could have made you much happier.
So much has changed. Now, every possible curve ball has been thrown at me the past couple of months, and i've just been batting them away. It's like, by realizing how to be honest with myself, things that were so complicated before seem so easy. I can handle now what I couldn't two months ago. Now I know how to be happy and stay that way even with a bump or two in the road. If I could I would take this knowledge and apply it to back then. If I ever have the chance to, I will utilize it when I see you again.
I can't change the past now, but please know that I get it now- and please know how truly sorry I am. I acted crazy, so crazy.. In that sense, I was the crazy one, you weren't. I get why you felt like you had no control. I get why you felt like there was nothing you could ever do or say. You shouldn't have had to experience that. I thought life was hard me, but I made it hard for you too. I just wish I knew.
I love you so much for sticking through it like you did. I'm so grateful to you, I don't think I could ever accurately express how much. I don't know how to explain getting from there to here as far as my thought process goes. But being here, I don't ever want to turn around again. I don't think i'll ever be that same person again. I'll always be Mel- but I feel so much less fucked up in the head. I feel healthier and happier- even though i've still a ways to go.
I wish I could share this with you. Where i'm at is not an easy place, but it's so much better than before. Everything is brighter and more possible- I find something to be happy about just about every day. But I thought of you today and I smiled inside and out. I realized, it's been over a month since we last spoke- I miss you like hell, and from time to time I just wish you were here or I were there. But things around me, and it seems around you range from allright to good to even great, and I am secure with that. When I see you again though, i'm giving you the biggest hug you've ever received.. You may not be able to stand afterward.
So.. I love you, beautiful. You mean the world to me. g'night sleep tight.
Btw, car+tree= at least 40 mph. And yes we're all fine. The corolla is dead but a 95 honda civic is on the way with 200,000 miles on it as well as a ton of debt for me, haha. I promise my next entry will update a little more about my actual life. ps, congrats on the drinking game lolol
RIP 03' Corolla and 94' Cavalier
Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to reply to your last entry. We just had easter break, so I was gone camping and away from computers for a few days, but also I think I needed to let your last entry digest a bit before I replied to it. I feel like I've had some time, and yet I'm still not sure how to convey everything that's going through my head...if my thoughts seem a bit disjointed, forgive me.
First of all, I am so sooooo proud of you/happy for you...not in a condescending I-told-you-you-could-be-happy kind of way...but in a very pure way. I care about you so much, and you have no idea how ecstatic it makes me feel that you can find something that makes you happy every day and that you're in a much better place in your life right now. I've always felt that you deserve the best, and I'm so glad to hear that you feel you're finally getting closer to that, whatever the best may be for you. I am sooo proud of you for working so hard to find contentment and be honest with yourself...I think so many people think that happiness is just a default state of being, and when they can't reach that state, they just get angry and don't understand why they are an exception to a wonderful and much-deserved universal condition...at least, that's how I used to be. It's taken me years to figure out that I have to work at being happy, that it is not a default setting unless you strive to make it one. All the people I know who are truly at peace with themselves have worked their asses off to get there. I hope I'm not coming off as preachy...what I'm trying to say is that I am indescribably proud of you because I know how much work goes in to what you are doing now. You are so brave, especially considering your past and how many obstacles you've had to overcome to get to this point. If I were with you right now, I would give you the biggest hug ever.
Secondly...well, this is the part where I have an emotional brain fart. I can't express how good it makes me feel to read your apology and to have you acknowledge the struggles in our relationship that I couldn't always articulate to you...after working for so long to keep things together despite the obvious issues and constantly asking myself what was wrong with me and why I couldn't ever do what was right for you and feeling like I couldn't always talk to you about it...it's an enormous relief to see that it wasn't all me, even though I will always take on some of the blame and feel that relationships are two-way streets. Part of me feels incredibly guilty that you would find any fault whatsoever in the way you were handling things...after all, making things harder for both of us was never your intention, and you do deserve the best the world has to offer and shouldn't think of yourself as any less of a person because you made mistakes. I was always afraid that should you realize you could have dealt with things a bit differently, you would feel guilty and down on yourself, which was one reason it was always hard for me to ask you to deal differently. Making mistakes doesn't make you less of a person...if anything, it makes you more beautiful when you can still accept yourself at the end of the day. I have a feeling that you already know this, and I hope I'm not sounding preachy again. What I'm trying to say is that I feel guilty for potentially making you feel guilty even though I might be projecting my own reactions onto you and you might not feel guilty at all because you're strong and beautiful and you already realize that it's okay to make mistakes. I hope you know what I'm trying to say because rereading that last sentence was enough to make my head hurt.
I guess the last emotions I felt when I read (and reread, and reread) your entry were sadness mixed with a bit of anger. It still kills me that I couldn't do more to help you, and thinking about what we both went through makes my throat tighten a bit. I love you so much. We both needed to figure these things out, not only things about our relationship, but mostly things about ourselves. I just wish we could have avoided the heartache we both felt. Neither of us deserved it. It's no one's fault, just one of those growing-up-is-tough things that you're warned about over and over when you're a kid but don't understand until you've experienced it. The universe it a bitch in many ways, but I like to think the grass will be greener for us now on this side of our experience. I have faith that one day we'll both be able to let all of this go...no more sadness, no more anger, just acceptance and appreciation. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm trying to get there.
Lastly, and on a completely different note, thank you for your Easter texts! I didn't receive them until after I got back from camping, but I did want to let you know that they came through and they made me smile. I hope you had a great Easter, and I miss you too.
Well, I think my brain has completed its fart. I love you, and thank you again for your honesty. You didn't have to tell me all those things and make yourself vulnerable like that, and I appreciate that you did. I miss you pretty girl, and I am so soo SOOO happy for you. Goodnight, sleep tight.
Always,~Kae
-Mel
P.s. Is your ESPN on? because we keep loggin on, on the same day. haaah..
I'm glad you got the easter texts, btw, I was afraid your spam box would steal and delete them
Maps
People
Photos
My Stuff
trip feed
trip kml