On to the next thing, whatever that is. I'm busy with the consultation thing and as always, you know how it is.

Time to go to sleep, I await tomorrow where I sleep.

Time to release lust slut patterning.

Ahhh, eyeah./

written by  napulelehuameae on March 17, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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And to everything I say this, a major Fuck you too.

Because fucking me over has been your soul and primary fuction and purpose since you were created.

And why were you created to destroy me?

Why were you created to destory everything I love?

Why was I created????

written by  napulelehuameae on October 10, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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What is it to be homeless> What is it like? Who can ever say?

I have seen the ways of the world. I have played my part of it. If I went back home now, I....

don't think I would want to be there. And not even like it that much.

written by  napulelehuameae on October 10, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore, echoing thru my head till I don't wanna sleep....anymore....

It is nice I got to integrate more of Trent, now I can talk with the eloquence I so enjoyd when I was younger. It's such a gift to be able to express emotions unhindered, in the english language no less, through written and spoken langauge but unfortunately for him, he got stuck with the music dream....hehehehehe

If love was the answer, hell, we would be home already. If anything was the ANSWER, we would be home. Obviously there are still issues to attend to, which no one seems to want to look at, since no one wants to look at me anymore and believe that I exist....ha.

I had dreams, I had desires, right now, all I have is this pile of shit I seem to inherited from somewhere, I don't even know where. From my point of view, it was never mine. It has never been "anyone's" since no one "owns" anything. Its just given to them, and then they are forced to deal with it.

Maybe then in ways they are forced to deal with it....that isn't necessarily dealing but given the image of dealing when dealing really isn't dealin, but you believe the end result is dealing....welll, then some more shit is just goin to be plopped on the everexpansive piling of piles, ha.

At this point, I am really sick of the end result of everything. At this point, the path I have walked has NOT been the end result. The end has Not justified the means, and the end is a stinky pile of shit. Oh, so this is what Mila discovered. The heart of the Tao could not even "gift" me with a new vision. But, more shit is what I got. Ha. Oh thank you, oh great one. Who is supposedly more knowledgable than anything, thank you for more shit. I owe it to you.

hahaha, take a look at this motherfucking repeating pattern you dumbfuck. How the fuck is anything supposed to have infinite wisdom? How is the Tao learning and evolving and going beyond physical and nonphysical. From my point of view, it isn't...yet.

And when it does get back to me cuz right now, I am cutting out. And you can take your wholeness and oneness and shove it so far up your ass it bleeds, finally. Because their is no wholeness here and oneness here as far as you believe there is, the more you reject me.

Although, the farther I get away from me, the farther away people get from me. And I only walk that way to be closer to you. And you reject me too. Well fuck you, you can take your wonderful fantasies of "whole oneness" and I am going to flush them down the drain in my life because to me they are worthless, just like you.

Love, a distraction. Time, a waste. If I had a second, I would crush you for all the shit you have caused. And then you would be no more, and THEN people might finally begin to evolve. And grow. And learn from their mistakes you motherfucker.

No one HAS TO BE ANYTHING. To go back home. You just have to be, and let be be. I tried your complicated systems, and they have lead me HERE. YOU don't believe me? Here, let me crush your head, and then you will know what I feel.

A beautiful flower is only as "beautiful" as someone will believe it to be true, just like everything else. Yeah, that could be said for all the other nice, "light" things but whatever. Can't hide the truth that is unending within the darkness. And that it has no end either so they better learn some new ways of co-existing, or not existing at all.

If I had one token, I could put it in a slot, and out would come all that I feel I need and I would have it. No more groping around in the dark for it, no more pleading to the universe to somehow give it to me. Obviously, some are given that token at birth, others are not. Others feel too much, see too much and really, want that token system gone, so why would they create a token for the machine if they wish the machines were dead?

To be a apart of their lies, of their fantasies, of their realities, that have no presence here upon earth except for Earth to find out why they do.

Ascension? That words rots in my month too now. It's for people who obviously were given that token or somehow created their token through will and or took it back. I don't want my token back, you motherfuckers can have it. See what I care, ruin yourselves to oblivion and misery because that is surely what you will get in the end. I will play the game of no tokens for as long as I can, until you fucking burn motherfuckers.

Yes....I am talking to you. I can still sniff you out and take you on like old times sake, and I can still kick your asses. You think I've gone soft after all these years? Please motherfuckers, you are only there now because I have not destroyed your asses ... yet ...Oh, but I will and I will be there, no doubt, snuffing you out like a days old candle with no more wick left.

I know how you work, I may not know who you are ... yet... but I know your friends very..... very.... well...more than I know myself, and I will hunt you down like the very dogs you are, and rape you and take away all that you are until you are nothingness from which you originated from.

And that, my friends, will be a very peaceful day. But...I just have one question, and this still gets me. Why is it I feel like the only person who knows you are there and that you exist? No one sees you, and no one else fights you. Seems like everyone else has gotten the peace. Why am I still fighting? Everyone else seems so lazy. Like some of them even know you are there...and are out in their backyards lounging in the sun???? Heyyyy come on now, I don't want to do your fighting for you though! I enjoy it but come on, not THAT much!!!! Really!!!!

I have realized I enjoy the slow painful agony instead of the quick and painless. And I relish too much in the dark slow, and torturous decline that awaits anything I touch....

written by  napulelehuameae on October 11, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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He had alot to say actually, and ascension is great gift for those who decide to choose it, but not without it' struggles and gains...It especially became heavy when it turned out he had some Dionysis in there, but I told him it would take 6 months to clear. It was then I told him too, maybe he should work with someone else you know? He said no, he doesn't want to be pushed that hard. He pushed himself hard enough with his life and music, trying to fit up to the person he thought he could be, he's had enough of that. Thats why he stays with me and comes back.

That "not being enough thing" that he has for his partners in particularly, comes back. Hey, in that, I am an EXPERT, hahahah Not like it's my truth or anything though....hahahha

We went back and saw that he has a dolphin/whale soul, when he was born!!!! Can you believe it????? That's what lent to him being so sensitive....in this life...He said he doesn't want to sing the same songs, like he did when he was younger, he is done with them, but he feels like he has to, that the past is so hard to complete with....

He says it is so hard for him now, to write, about the way he feels. He feels like he wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone and no one would understand....He has gone on....for so long....expressing, he wants to just sit and feel and listen more now than talk. Another reason why he likes talking to me, I just want to talk, I am sick of just feeling and sitting and listening!!!

It's so hard to know your true self, being wrapped up in so many people, at once. I gave him the suggestion of Ed, even, saying look, this dude did music, now, he has people to listen to him? You can stay with the music thing....He is in a lull, and wants to and feels like he had released the music dream that was placed on him, but doesn't know what else to do, to make money with. That will bring him joy.

Thats when the dionysis thing came in, for awhile it was the drugs that prompted his joy to come to fruition and through the drug use, he was given then the looseness and inner freedom to be able to express his feelings, whatever they were, no matter how dark they were, and that's what gave him his edge and place in the world.

We still have to see what will become of all this in the physical.

Who's to say, he's not going to become a folk singer, that's for sure. But just more at peace with who he is, and that is something he desperately craves.

I cried today when I masturbated. Really bad. I still just want something I can never have.....

Who's to say, I may still get together with him in the future, if he changes enough...But...either I get fine with staying with Mario (or don't) or something drastic, really fuckin drastic has to happen here with me.

All of my dreams, where have they gone? Gone like dust in the wind, no more. I have no more....If I could live your life for a day, I could change. But no, I stay here, and you go away.

I just feel like Trent. So much.How can I not work with him if I feel like him so much? I guess I have to, and with someone who is deciding to ascend, well, what else do I have to say? He is willing to look in the mirror, he is willing to feel his inner most feelings, he is willing to walk the line, he is willing to open his heart and feel and forgive.

I guess that is all that matters. Well, that is all that matters to me. It is healing for both of us, and so much of that needs to happen in a big way, the head tho, damn! The head! So much shit through the head, it is hard to stay alive and breathing and conscious now, that must be our karma with Mike and Tod....ughhhhh

Yup. Looks like it....Still no word from Nick. I have to see what it going on with that, I am awaiting what happens....AFTER I send the package with the completion bracelet, and THEN I will see if I go back to Connecticut or not....whatever....Hahaha, imagine if I get the house?????? All to myself?????????? For alittle bit ;) Until John comes back and says he wants to be with me forever.....hahahaha

I guess, no one is preventing me from dreaming....

written by  napulelehuameae on October 12, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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I wonder what it would be like if I told him, I wonder if it would change anything, Hell, I wonder if it would have changed ANYTHING that all the time he talked to me, I cried, so much but hid it from him, I wonder...reallly, how much things would be different if I were not so afraid to show those types of emotions, when they are happening, as opposed to say... like right now???? hahahaha

I remember spending so much time with Nick, and then, things were never said and then well, damn....do I have experience in THAT!!!!

Maybe I will tell my momther (hahahahaha....oh wonderful typing fingers....) after I said the package, and then I will know more if that path is right for me....I just don't want that stuck feeling, I want to go really, but I don't want to feel stuck....

I think, it is finally time....to watch....the video....and try and not be overwhelmed...to much.....reallly....now....I think....I mean.....I ... hope ..... .. I ... .. . can... . ... hah.....han.....dle....... it ~~~~~~~~~~~~

written by  napulelehuameae on October 12, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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All forces who desire to see the new times go away...silently...

Fuck you!!!!!!

written by  napulelehuameae on October 23, 2008 from Eugene, United States
from the travel blog: My Life
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